One Street Over
by A Letter To No One
Summary: Bella Swan is alone. No family, no friends, just herself and a lonely life. Upon meeting a man in the most unorthodox way possible, her nothing life changes into something. Can she overcome all the obstacles even with all the baggage she carries?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: please read author's note below! This is my first fan fiction so if you could please leave me a review or write me a note it'd be greatly appreciated. Without further adu, I give you: One Street Over. Take it away, Bella.**

**Disclaimer: For the entirety of this story I do not claim to own any character written by Stephenie Meyer. Any plot aspect of character trait similarity in this story at any point is purely a coinsidence. Basically, I don't own anything, I don't want to get sued, I made this story up all by myself, and i just want to play around with the characters until I have to balls enough to create my own. =D**

**All following plot material is copyrighted by onceuponatwilight1208 and cannot be reproduced or represented in any way without written conscent. Please refrain from plagerism. (I'm using please to be polite, don't do it.) **

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It was dark. The clouds were blocking the moon and the stars. Night had swept in and was hiding me, giving me the freedom and cover I so desperately longed for. I walked aimlessly around the new city, trying to get my bearings. The clouds over head threatened an imminent snow story. The air pulsed around me and for some reason, I felt as though something big was about to happen. I felt as though the past I was running from would give me a bit of a head start before it came chasing after me like it always did. The world didn't seem like it was about to consume me.

I kept walking. I could hear the water lapping against the dock and kept walking. Something kept propelling me forward. Something kept pushing me to keep going, to not ignore this feeling. Something told me that just up ahead was something that I would not want to miss out one. So I kept walking, hoping that whatever it was I was supposed to find would show itself so that I could get back on with my life.

I lived a simple life. I was a simple girl and all I wanted was to just keep going. I wanted to blend in with the crowd and make it through this part of my life so I could get on with the rest of it. I was going to school, trying to further my education before I took my place in the work force. What I would do, I wasn't sure. There are only so many things one can do with an English degree, and only so many of them would allow me to keep my sanity. I was not the kind of person who would be able to sit quietly at a desk typing away about some event that I reviewed, or do bland management work. I needed something that would change enough to keep me interested, I needed the words that I so desperately craved and soaked in while studying, and at the same time, I needed stability. I couldn't really think of any job that offered me that, but I digress. I was twenty-one and had seen more than most ninety year olds. I was forever seeking a way to escape from the monotony that was my life. I was relatively plain, brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin. I wasn't the tallest of girls and my legs certainly didn't go on for miles. I was simple. Everything was simple. Too simple. I hated it.

I was still walking when I heard it. At first, it sounded like it could have been the ocean, but as I kept walking and the noise got louder, signaling I was getting closer to the source, I realized it was coming from the opposite direction. I quickened my pace as the feeling deep in the pit of my stomach tightened. The closer I got the tighter the knot in my stomach became. It was a grunting noise, something that was unsettling, something I wanted to run from, yet something that still caused me to inch closer and closer until I discovered the source. It seemed to be coming from an alley. A cliché that made me want to run far, far away from whatever was hiding in the darkness that I was seeking refuge in. But I seemed to be propelled forward, inexplicably pulled toward that alley and whatever it held.

I was almost to the mouth of the alley now, and I slowed my steps. I was frightened now. The noise was loud and aggressive. I'd had enough aggression in my life, I didn't need any more, yet I couldn't pull myself away. I couldn't rip my attention from its objective. Finally, I had reached my destination. As soon as I lifted my head to see what was making the noise, I felt a huge weight push against my body, and then I was falling. I felt my head hit the ground and then everything faded away, and I was numb. The darkness had taken over, and everything went black.

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**AN: Hello! This is my first attempt at actually writing a fic and I'm really excited and nervous! I'm still not entirely confident but I'm hoping to get some reviews. Let me know if you want to see where this story is going so I know if there's any actual interest in it. It started as just a free write thing to just see if I actually had the balls to write a fanfic and it seems I do. Then I wanted to see if I had the balls to actually publish it and what do you know, here we are. So, chickies, please click that lovely little review button, drop me a private line, or send me some smoke signals. Whatever floats your boat. Tell me what you think, give me some advice, send me a recipe I don't really care! Depending on the reviews I get I'll hopefully be updating in a few days. I do have a real life, so that might take precedent over updating. might. **

**much love,**

**~*~once upon a twilight~*~  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, hello my dears! Chapter two has arrived and with it we get a little bit more insight into Bella's world and her mind. Enjoy!**

**Once again, I own nothing but the plot line, so don't sue me. I own the plot line, so use it, and I'll be uber pissed and bad things will happen. o_O**

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It felt like my head weighed 50 pounds. Every time I tried to pick it up it just fell back, my neck not being able to support the weight. My eyes were fluttering open and closed as I tried to understand what was going on. I kept hearing the same noise. Sometimes it sounded like someone was yelling. I really wished whoever it was would just stop, as it was really making my head hurt even more. I felt pressure on my shoulder, like someone was shaking it. But at the same time, it felt like my shoulder wasn't attached to my body and I felt like I was far away from where I should be. I was drifting, that much I knew. I knew I should try to stay away, but the warmth of the nothingness felt so welcoming and so comforting. It was hard not to try and go towards it. I felt the pressure again, and a voice.

"Miss, Miss are you alright? Can you hear me, Miss?" Why was someone asking me questions? Of course I could hear them. Couldn't they hear me when I asked them to shut the hell up? I groaned, and then I was flying. I briefly opened my eyes to see a strong jaw. It seemed like someone was carrying me, a man. I was too tired to be scared, but in the back of my mind I knew I should be. The last thing I remember seeing before I let the darkness have me was a pair of piercing green eyes looking down at me, and a pair of lips mouthing, "Are you okay?"

And then there was nothing.

I was floating. Isn't that how everyone describes it? I was floating and I didn't want it to end. I was numb. I didn't feel anything as I glided through the air, weightless. It was as if I was in water, but I could still breathe so easily, so comfortably. It was peaceful. It was wonderful. It was a welcome change from what I felt on a daily basis. I felt myself smiling, something I had longed to do for so long. I didn't feel the dull aching, the constant throbbing, I didn't feel the constricting grasp of lonliness and pain. I felt nothing. I felt everything. I just was. The pain was gone.

Pain. A small, four letter word that can at times describe everything. It had become my constant companion. It would hide, slinking away into the darkness and I would think I would be ok. I would think I was finally whole, when suddenly it would snap back, wrapping itself around me like darkness hides the light. Everyone, at one point, feels pain. The sharp, stabbing pain to the heart, the slow throbbing that never seems to stop, the pins and needles feeling that covers every single inch of your skin, and the darkness that seems to swallow you whole, trying to destroy you. Some people try to hide from the pain, ignore it, hope it will go away, others try to face it head on, they battle it, some win, and some lose. For others, the pain doesn't leave, you can't ignore it, but you can't confront it, because the time to do so has passed. The chance to save yourself has floated away as time kept moving, but you were locked in place.

That was where I was now. I lived in a perpetual limbo. I couldn't fight the darkness, I was so tired. I didn't want to fight the darkness. I wanted to feel nothing for a while. I wanted that blissful ignorance, that anonymous camouflage that just made everything disappear. So when I was hit by whatever it was that threw me to the ground, and the darkness threatened to close in on me, I let it, just so I could have that short period of nothing, that small piece of time, when I wasn't threatening to shatter into a million pieces because I just couldn't do it anymore. My pain was no worse than anyone else's pain. In fact, others probably had it worse than I did, but nonetheless, it was mine and mine alone, and I couldn't seem to rid myself of it.

I could still feel myself floating. I could still feel the sensation that I was surrounded by water without there being any water. I started to hear voices again. Sometimes it was clearer than others, but never enough to know what was going on. I heard different words but none of it made sense, none of it connected.

"…Sprain…"

"…possible…concussion…"

"…what were you…"

"…how long…"

"…fell…"

"…landed hard…"

"…don't know who…"

And on it went. I felt myself being moved, an arm lifted, my neck being prodded, my head being turned, but I couldn't find it within myself to care, because every touch seemed to feel disconnected. It was so hard to describe, but it was so welcome. I felt something close on my one arm, the voices getting louder, clearer, then they were gone. I heard humming, sweet, soft humming. I got lost in it. It carried me to a different place and I felt so peaceful, so content. The soft melody wrapped itself around me and lifted me up, making me feel safe, and whole, and… loved?

I started to feel an odd sensation in the back of my head. It didn't feel disconnected anymore, it felt like I was all together, but that I was sinking. The farther I sunk, the more the sensation spread, from the back of my head, to my wrist, to my back, to my hip. It spread and it felt like someone was pushing, harder and harder on each of the spots. I was so confused, I had no idea what was going on. The pressure turned into a sting, then into a burn, and it felt like everything was on fire. It hurt so bad. God, I wanted it to stop, I needed it to stop. The burning was drowning out the sweet melody and I just wanted that song back to take away the pain. I was sinking, until I felt like something was underneath my back, I was laying somewhere. Dear God, someone make this burning stop! Holy shit! My face hurt, the back of my head hurt, my wrist hurt, my hip hurt, my back was killing me and I just, God… I can't even… I…ugh. It was too much. It was so much. I felt my eyelids get very heavy, and I peeled them back and gasped at the pain, trying to push myself up to try and alleviate some of it, to try and see if moving would help. I gasped again when I proved this theory wrong and the pain doubled, before falling back into a laying position, crying out as my back bounced on whatever I was laying on.

"Woah, woah, easy there. You're pretty beat up. Here, let me help you."

A pair of hands aided me in getting into a sitting position, but I couldn't see who the hands or the voice belonged to, because my eyes were squeezed shut, trying to make the pain go away, trying any little thing that would make the hurt lessen.

"There you go. Are you okay? Do you need anything? How do you feel?"

The voice asked a lot of questions. A lot of stupid question. No. I was most certainly not okay. I was far from okay, but the kindness in the voice made me refrain from snapping at them, that and I didn't know if I could find my voice hidden under the ache I was feeling.

"Can you… I just… I need…" I tried in vain to convey the agony I was feeling and the need for something, anything, to make it go away, "…hurts so much… water?"

It wasn't until after I asked for it did I realize that my throat was as dry and sand paper and was not helping the overall discomfort I was feeling right now. Water was a start, then I would deal with the pain. I would figure out what was going on, and I would deal with it.

It seemed like seconds later a cool glass was pressed against my lips, "Here," the voice told me. I opened my eyes to see a hand holding a tall glass of water to my lips. I tried to move my arm to hold it, not wanting to seem so pathetic that I couldn't hold a glass, but I was so tired, so weak, it seemed like I would be forced to accept the help. I drank deeply and greedily before laying back against the pillows I hadn't realized until now were propping me up on a large bed. I looked around me to see a tastefully decorated room, not too modern, with vintage accents and very minimal, one of the most beautiful rooms I've ever been in. I was in the bed under a midnight blue comforter with an enchanting design in dark, black velvet sewn in. There were brown accent pillows next to me. Finally I turned to my left to see who the voice I'd been hearing belonged to.

And what I saw nearly made me faint. I gasped at the sight before me, and the sharp intake of breath made me grown in agony. I was not prepared for what laid before me. I was staring right into the green eyes I had seen, that belonged to the strong jaw and the beautiful lips of the man who carried me. The green eyes I had seen before belonged to one of the most beautiful men I had ever seen in my entire life.

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**There you have it ladies (and possibly gents) ! Chapter two! I hope you enjoyed it! I'm working on building the suspense here so there will be cliff-hangers and it will be a little slow going in the beginning, but stick with me kiddies and once we get the ball rolling you won't know what hit you. Believe me, I'm impatient, so I won't make you wait long. ;)**

**now, click that button down there and leave me some love! let me know what you think and what you like/didn't like/want to see/ do NOT want to see/what you're wearing/what the weather's like/whatever the hell you feel like telling me.**

**Get ready, cause next chapter, shit will probably hit the fan. ;) **

**Lots o' Love,**

**~*~ Mo ~*~  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hello chickadees! I'm back! I know I just updated, what, two days ago? But the first few chapters I want to get up ASAP so that I can get the ball rolling and hopefully get more people drawn into the story. Now, we have a lot of stuff going down in this Chapie, my dears. There are tears, there are laughs, there are emotional rants, there are fights, and there is a sexy Edward. This is the longest chapter yet so I'm tre excited about that right there. So, without further adu, I give you Bella and Edward's first interaction! Please read Author's note at the bottom for important info regarding the story! Thanks a bundle!**

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I found myself looking at the most attractive man I have ever seen in my entire life. His hair was this mess of auburn, almost coppery, red/brown/gold/orange-y sort of color. It was like fire. It looked so soft. I wanted to reach out and touch it, run my fingers through it. He was tall, much, much taller than my own height of 5'3". He seemed like he could be more than 6 feet tall. His jaw was strong and looked like it was cut with a chisel. He had a small amount of scruff along his jaw and chin, and Sweet Holy Moses, this man was pretty. He was muscular and fit from what I could see beneath his fitted long-sleeved shirt. And his eyes… Dear Lord, His eyes shined so freaking' brightly and they were so… so _green. _God, it was like a Crayola crayon melted on his eyes. They were beautiful, and I had a hard time looking away. But look away I did, because at that exact moment, I sneezed.

Hard.

"God bless you."

"Ummm..."

I was so distracted by the crayon eyes and the fire hair that I couldn't really form an articulate response. I opened my mouth to say something when out of nowhere; I sneezed again, which led to a coughing fit. Did I mention my head felt like it was going to explode? My stomach seemed like it wanted to murder me or at the very least commit suicide. And then there were the aches and stabbing pains that flooded my body. Oh. My. God. I fuckin' hurt. I decided now would be a fine time to redeem myself with my skills of articulation and actually engage this gorgeous specimen in conversation, and hopefully figure out what the flip happened, and why I was dying.

"Uggggggggghhhhhhhh… son of a mother flippin' batch of cookies."

Oh yeah. Totally redeemed myself with that one. Now let me just say this, I don't say fuck. I'll think it. I'll say it when I'm really, really pissed. But I don't normally curse aloud. I'll drop the occasional shit or damn of whatever, but usually I'll make up my own expletives that make no sense. Apparently, now was one of those times.

"Ummm… I'm sure you're not feeling to great right now…"

I realized I had closed my eyes when my body began to stage a mutiny. I quickly opened them to come face to face with Pretty Boy over there. I was now painfully (haha, get it? Pun. Fucking. Intended.) aware that I most likely looked, and quite possibly smelled, like shit. Again, before I could say anything, my head began pounding, and I began sneezing and coughing like it was going to find a cure for cancer. When I finally stopped, I lifted my eyes miserably up to look at the Man-God sitting in front of me to convey that yeah, I didn't actually feel that great right now.

"Meh."

I was tired again. I didn't give a shit. I wanted to get home. Wait. Holy shit. Where the hell am I? And who the hell _is_ this Underwear Model in front of me? And holy shit…

"Where the _hell_ are my freaking' pants, wonder boy?"

This seemed to shock him into action and into offering me a lovely explanation, which I was certainly eager to hear.

"Right! Well, um. Yeah your pants! They're in the dryer! Your pants. Because they were wet! It was raining when I brought you here, to my house, my apartment… so I uh… I umm… I took them… off? 'Cause they were wet. Because of the rain."

He seemed to be freaking out a little bit. I think my question might have caught him off guard a little bit, seeing as up until this point, I've only uttered animalistic grunts and noises in his general direction. I needed some answers, and I needed them now. The lack of pants had pushed me over the edge and I was beyond freaking out and was way into Holy-Shit-I'm-Going-To-Die-Mode.

"What happened? Where am I? How did I get here? Who are you? Why the hell do I feel like I'm dying? Why does it feel like someone kicked my ass? And why is my entire body staging a mutiny right now? And who the hell are you?"

I think that went well considering my current state of mind as well as the immense amounts of pain I was in right now.

"Shit. Right. Sorry. Um, you're in my apartment on West 18th. I brought you here, carried you. I was in the alley. Uhh...I'm Edward. Edward Cullen. I'm sure you do feel like you're dying. But you're not, dying that is. Um, you kinda did sorta get your ass kicked a little. You're probably sick or getting sick from being in the rain for so long with a weakened body and you might have been getting sick before but I wouldn't know. And I'm Edward. Cullen. Edward Cullen."

Edward Cullen. Weird name. I didn't have time for this. For some reason, I let my walls crumble a fraction and I needed to get them back up, stat. Crayon eyes or no crayon eyes, I wasn't going to be indebted to anyone, nor was I going to be in a vulnerable position in front of a man I didn't know.

"Look, all I remember is walking and hearing a noise and being almost…" I was about to tell him about being physically drawn to it, about the feeling of being pulled towards the noise and what was causing it. The feeling was inexplicable, but one that I did remember clearly. I was pretty beat up though, so I thought better of it and just left it alone in case he would assume I was insane, "… I remember turning the corner into the alley and being hit by something and then everything went black. I remember green eyes and voices and someone spewing medical terms? Maybe? Did you take me to the hospital?"

Shit. I really hope he didn't take me to the hospital. I knew, I _knew _I wouldn't be able to pay those bills. Shit. I was officially in deep trouble if he took me to the hospital. But they don't release unconscious people do they? I'm pretty positive they don't. So… he either did not take me to the hospital… or… he did and he…what? Bailed me out? They released me? Something wasn't right, and I was so, so far from being ok with what was going on right now.

"No I didn't take you to the hospital. My uncle is a doctor and I had him come and check you out."

I waited, expecting Edward, Edward Cullen, to tell me what his uncle has discovered upon said "checking out". When he didn't say anything else, instead he just stared at me; I made an expectant face and drawled out: "aaannnndd…?" hoping to get more information from him.

"Oh! Shit! Sorry yeah, fuck. Ok. Um. You have a concussion, a bad one. Your left wrist is sprained really badly, almost a break. You have to keep the brace on it," I looked down to my left wrist where sure enough it was encased in plastic and restrained. Huh, I didn't know how I missed that in the whole I'm- going-to-die pain fest. While I was pondering this, Edward continued to tell me where I was hurt, "Your face is pretty beat up and your back is scratched and cut up. You broke a few ribs so you're all bandaged up there. You have bruises covering most of your body. 'Cause you were pretty much body slammed. And then hit. A lot. You were uh… out of it for a while. In and out, you know. So um, you have to take it easy for a while. No exercising or anything strenuous until the ribs are healed and even then you'd have to wait for your wrist, since you can't do much with just one hand. And there's the concussion too so… yeah. You can't do much of anything for a while."

Great. Just fan-freaking'-tastic. I was starting to vaguely remember things. Someone punching my face, someone else then dragging him off of me, and...lights? Maybe? Someone was telling me it was going to be ok. And cussing. There was a lot of cussing. I remembered that. I remembered the cold, wet ground. I didn't want to remember anything else. I realized he still hadn't told me what had happened to make me end up this way.

"So are you going to tell me what happened or am I just going to have to guess or something?"

"Oh shit. Um, fuck. Ok. Listen, so you were essentially in the wrong place at the wrong time. Seriously, I don't know your stance on good luck, but you didn't have any tonight. Uh, I was uh, dealing with a guy in the alley and when you turned into it he, uh, shit ok he was drunk and I had shoved him and he was running and when you walked up he basically tackled you. I guess the guy thought you were me and he started kind of um… fuckin shit. He started punching you ok? I got him off, called the cops, left him, and took you back to my place and called Carlisle. My uncle, I called my uncle who is Carlisle. Shit."

Ok. He was _dealing_ with a guy. What the hell does that even mean? _Dealing_ with someone? Is he in the mob or something? What the high holy hell was going on here? I was so out of here. I was done. I wanted to leave now. My walls were up. I was on the defense now. But for some strange reason, a part of me knew he would never hurt me; some part of me looked into his eyes and didn't see a monster, only say peace and worry …for me? It was such a foreign thing for me to see in someone and that alone made me want to get out. That alone made me want to flee far, far from where I was. I took a deep breath and then braced myself, 'cause I knew this would hurt, and I swung me legs out of the bed and made to stand up. As soon as my feet hit the carpet, Edward jumped up, trying to push me back down.

"Whoa, whoa, where are you going? You're really beat up you can't just go jumping around all over the place."

I sighed. This wasn't going to end well. I could see that now. But I wanted out. I was starting to feel the panic spread from my feet and crawling up my body. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. I was getting claustrophobic and there was nothing small about this room. I needed to relax. I was going to be ok. I was going to be okay. In and out.

"Listen, thank you, for taking care of me, and calling your uncle, and letting me crash here, and for everything, but I'm going to go home now. All I want is my bed and my home right now, so I'll just be going."

I stood there realizing I still didn't have any pants on. I looked down to find myself in just a big Chicago Cubs t-shirt that most definitely was not mine and my purple panties.

"Okay, wonder boy, would you mind telling me where my other clothes are? 'Cause I just got to town and haven't had a chance to get outfitted in the local gear, so this is most definitely not mine."

"Your clothes are in the dryer with the rest of your stuff. Your bag is over there on the chair. I dried your coat first so it's on the same chair too. And you're not leaving."

That made my head snap up. Oh, no. He did _not_ just tell _me_ what to do. Oh, this was going to end so far from anything close to good.

"_Excuse me,"_ I narrowed my eyes at him because this shit just did not go over well with me, "I'm sorry, I must have heard you wrong, did you just tell me that I'm not leaving?"

I waited patiently for his response, expecting him to back down once I lifted and initiated the Bitchbrow.

"Yeah. I did,"Ok that was shocking. Bitchbrow was in full force now, "You're not leaving." He continued, "You're sick, and you're weak and you need someone to take care of you. So you're staying. I'll blockade the fucking door if I have to but you're getting back in that fucking bed if I have to put you there myself and tie you down."

He was standing his ground, looking as angry as I felt that I had even suggested leaving. A small part of me respected that. But that small part was quickly overruled by the larger part of me that was furious at what had just come out of his mouth. How dare he. He had no idea. He knew nothing about me. I was so angry I couldn't see straight. I could feel the sting of the hot angry tears beginning to swell in my eyes. But I refused to let them fall. I was done with this. I had tried to be polite, but he had gone too far. Maybe I was being dramatic, but he didn't know anything about my life or me and he was nothing to me. He had no claim on me and no authority over me. I would make sure that after I ripped him a new one, he was well aware of that fact.

"Who the hell do you think you are? How _dare _you. How_ fucking dare you, "_ I spoke in an eerily calm voice because yelling would hurt too much, and I wouldn't give him that satisfaction of seeing my pain.

"You don't know anything about me. How _dare_ you call me weak. I don'tneed_ anyone_ to take care of me. Do you understand me? I've been doing fine, just fine, on my own for years. Do you _fucking _understand me? For fucking years. And you think you have any right to tell me what to do? It sounds to me like it's mostly _your_ fault that I'm all beat up right now, seeing as it was you who was _dealing_ with the guy who attacked me. So let's just get this fucking straight, buddy, I don't know you from Adam so don't you dare think you have any single fucking right to look down at me and tell me what I will or will not do. I don't know you. I am in a strange man's house, a man who I do not know, whom I've never met, and a man _who undressed me while I was unconscious_. Do you really believe that I'm going to lay back down in that bed and sleep and 'be taken care of' when I have no idea who you are? Do you think I'm an idiot? You're obviously capable of some sort of destruction since you were _dealing_ with someone in that alley. No. Here's what's going to happen, you are going to go get my clothes, at the very least my pants. I am going to take my things and go home, where I will _take care of myself._ And you, _you _will go fuck yourself_. _Are we fucking clear? Because I will call the police, and I will have you arrested for kidnapping. Don't you dare tell me what to do. Don't you dare tell me what I need. And don't you fucking _dare_ call me weak."

I was beyond angry. I was furious. My chest was heaving and my fists were clenched and I stood my ground because this asshole was not going to win. My ribs and my lungs were screaming, my head was pounding and I was in an immense amount of pain, but there was no way in hell I was going to let him know that. I looked up to see that he was staring at me slack-jawed. His eyes were wide and he seemed shocked. He didn't know that he had just pushed one of my most sensitive buttons. I was not weak. I wasn't. I did fine on my own, just fine. He didn't know me. He had no right, no right, to tell me anything similar to what had just come out of his mouth.

"Listen, I think we should just…"

I cut him off because there was no way we were going to compromise on this. I was not going to listen to anything he said. I would not back down. I wouldn't be treated like a child.

"I don't entirely care what you think. I told you, either you go get my things or I will find them. If you do not let me, and you do not let me leave, I will call the police. Those are your options."

I met his gaze and he didn't move. He seemed to be stunned in place. I know I am I small person, and normally people don't expect me to be a… ahem… ball buster, if you will. But when I was provoked, or if I was angry or determined, I was a force to be reckoned with. Edward had just learned this first hand and he didn't seem to know how to take it.

When he still didn't move, but just continued to stare at me, I moved around him and walked out of the room. He made to grab my arm but I dodged him and kept walking. When I walked out of the room I was met with a short hallway. On the left was a bathroom, and there were no other doors on the right, so I kept moving. I walked to the end of the hall and found an open living area with a large kitchen and dining space connected. It was a beautiful apartment, I would admit that. There was a gorgeous fire place in a small part of the apartment where the floor sunk deeper which made the couches and sitting situation level with the floor. On either side of the fire place were the huge glass windows. I could only imagine how beautiful it was to look at while it was snowing at night, with the city lights shining. There was another set of furniture to my right in front of a large entertainment system. There were floor to ceiling windows and it was beautifully decorated. The kitchen was one that I could only dream of having, with beautiful appliances, a double oven, and an island all in granite and stainless steel. For some reason the fact that this beautiful man had this beautiful apartment, my dream apartment really, only fueled my anger.

I looked around and saw there was another hallway to my right, across the living space. By this time Edward was following me but I wouldn't be stopped. I walked down the other hall opening the first door I found, discovering the laundry room. I quickly stepped in, closed the door and locked it. The dryer was done with its cycle so I grabbed my things and threw them on my body. I found my boots and pulled those on as well. I exited the laundry room to find Edward leaning against the door. I took off again back towards the room I had been in before and grabbed my coat and my bag. I whipped on my scarf and set off again, this time towards the front door. I had my hand on the door knob when Edward finally grabbed my arm. I cried out from the pain of him grabbing where I was bruised and he quickly dropped my arm, running his hand through his hair.

"Shit! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Fuck! Listen, you really should stay. I know you don't know me and I don't know you but I think it'd be a really good idea if you did. You need rest. You can't be getting up and down all the time. You can't be working. I'm really sor…"

I cut him off again because I didn't want him to go there.

"Don't," I said, "Just don't. Again, I appreciate what you've done for me. I do. But I'm going home now. So thank you, again, for… everything. I hope everything goes well with the guy you were… dealing with." I paused and looked up into his eyes, seeing the worry, the concern, the compassion, and something I couldn't name, everything I wanted to run from all reflecting back at me, staring me in the face. I sighed because for some reason this was so much harder than I thought it would be. This hurt me, for some unknown reason, it hurt me to leave him. But I was not a stupid woman; I would not leave myself vulnerable in the hands of someone I didn't know. It wasn't smart and it wasn't me.

"Good bye Edward."

With that I opened the door and let myself out. I opted to take the stairs instead of the elevator and before I knew it I was on the street again. I was a short walk from where I lived, just one street to the right, so even though I could barely stand the pain, I decided against a cab, because I really should be saving what money I had. As I was walking the few blocks back to my apartment, I realized I had never told Edward my name. That bothered me more than I thought it should. Why did I care if he knew who I was? I didn't know this man. I imagined him to be dangerous, since he made it seem he was attacking a man in that alley. Getting to know him, in any way, would only lead to trouble. I had to keep reminding myself of that fact. Nothing good could come from it. Even if I didn't presume he was dangerous, it was a simple fact that people let you down, people lie, and people hurt you. I was fine on my own. I didn't need him.

I finally made it to my apartment and trudged up the stairs. I was dying. The pain was excruciating. It was unbearable and I was sincerely regretting not catching a cab. I finally made it to my door and dug around in my bag to find my keys. Wait a second, where was my wallet? I had my keys and my phone, my make up was still here along with my small notebook, my random assortment of things I felt that I always needed with me and my pepper spray, but my wallet was missing. Great. This day couldn't get any worse. My wallet, which had my driver's license, my debit card, my money and my spare key, was missing. I let myself into my apartment and took some Tylenol, before I laid myself on my couch, curled up and cried.

I cried because of the pain, I cried because at this very moment, I wanted more than anything for someone to call to ask for help. I wanted someone who cared about what happened to me. But these people were all gone, and I cried for that too. I cried because I had no money or any means of getting my money at this point, and because I knew I had to go grocery shopping. I cried because I had no idea how or when I had lost my wallet. I cried because I was alone, and that hurt so, so very much. I cried for what had happened to me, not just in these past few days, but what had happened in my past that I carried with me every day, a weight bearing so heavily on my shoulders. I cried for Edward. I wouldn't tell myself why, but the thought of never seeing those green eyes again was enough. And with those thoughts still running through my head, I cried myself to sleep, hoping and praying that tomorrow would be a better day and that some miracle would occur to make everything okay.

I woke up the next morning and found myself still cuddled up on my couch. I felt like crap. If I thought yesterday was bad, today was horrific. My lungs felt like they were going to burst with every breath. My body was on fire, every move I made felt like I had a burn that was being prodded, but I was so cold. I couldn't get warm enough. I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. My head, God, someone stop drilling into my freaking' head, PLEASE! My wrist hurt the least out of everything, but I guess that was because it was restrained and couldn't be moved. My face felt swollen, from both the blows I must have taken as well as from the intense crying session I had last night.

I sat up and got so dizzy I thought I would puke right then and there. Thank God I didn't, because I loved my rug. I got up slowly, hoping it wouldn't make my head spin too much. I looked down to see I was still in my rumpled clothes. I felt disgusting. I wanted a shower, but I knew I didn't have the energy for that, and I didn't have a tub. Oh the woes of cheap rent! I resolved to just change my clothes then, and hopefully get more comfortable. I walked towards my bedroom and stripped off my clothes, realizing I was still wearing the oversized Cubs shirt. I left it on because it was just so soft, and threw on my favorite pair of old sweats. Changing hurt immensely as I had to bend in certain ways that irritated my ribs. They were still bound tightly with the bandages, which I knew eventually I would have to change. That was something I had no idea how I would manage on my own.

I then grabbed my phone out of my purse and called my boss, telling her that I was sick wouldn't be able to come into work today. I told her I would call her tomorrow to see if I would be able to come in then. I needed the hours and I didn't want to take off any more days than I needed to. When I hung up with her, I grabbed my tissue box, my bottle of Tylenol, a bunch of blankets and my pillow. I threw my stash on the coffee table and thought about going to the kitchen to make some soup or something. I sighed, knowing that it would be better to do it now while I was up just in case I wouldn't feel like getting up or just physically couldn't, later on.

I stalked my way to the kitchen and peered into the rather barren cupboard hoping that I had some sort of soup type situation. I found Cup-A-Noodles and did an inner victory dance. I had just put the kettle full of water on the stove to boil when there was a timid knock at the door. I looked up in confusion. Who could possibly be at my door? I didn't really have friends, my boss wouldn't be coming to check on me since she had to manage with one less body, and I had just hung up with her and I didn't even need to think about it being family. I went over to the door and looked through the peep hole, but squinting to look through it hurt my head so much that I felt nauseous. I groaned, hoping this feeling would go away soon. I shivered while trying again to look through the peep hole in the door but found that it did nothing but make me feel worse. I was freezing and I just wanted my Cup-A-Noodles and my couch, so I decided to just open the door but keep the chain done up. If it was someone coming to kill me, I already felt like I was dying anyway. They might just be doing me a favor.

I tentatively opened the door until the chain was pulled taunt and shielded myself with the door and looked around its edge at who my visitor was. I gasped with shock and almost fell down when I saw who it was standing there. There was no way, I had to be dreaming. This was absolutely impossible and I must have hit my head very, very hard because there was no way I could be seeing what I was currently seeing.

Edward Cullen was standing in the hallway in front of my apartment door.

And He had my wallet.

* * *

**AN: WHOOOOOOOOO! Ok so! We have more insight to Bella, she's spunky, she's ferocious, she's a little wacky, she's funny, she's serious, and she's been deeply hurt. We have more info on Edward (ladies...)! He stutters, he cusses, he "_deals"_ with people in alleys, and OH SWEET LORDY! He is fine! Now, what's going to happen next? WHO KNOWS? well, I do. But you, my lovlies, will have to wait a tad longer I'm afraid! I'm doing up Chapter four as we speak so look forward to that!**

**OK! Another important matter of business: POLYVORE! that's right chickadees! Our fave characters' clothes can be found on POLYVORE! I have chapter one up and chapter 2 and 3 are together as one, since they're basically wearing the same thing in both chaps. Chapter one can be found at:**

**http:/www(dot)polyvore(dot)com/one_street_over_chapter/set?id=20794315**

**Chapter two and three can be found at:**

**http:/www(dot)polyvore(dot)com/one_street_over_chapter/set?id=20830262**

**I'll be updating the polyvore as I update the chapters. The polyvore might come first or the chapter, there won't really be any rhyme or reason to it. **

**In addition to the polyvore, I've also decked out my FF profile if you want to head on over there and check it out, learn a lil bit more about lil ol' me and what not. I babble on senselessly in the about me section. You might have yourself a giggle form it.**

**Another thing: I've changed my penname. I'm still Mo, formally known as OnceUponATwilight1208, currently known as A Letter To No One. **

**And the last item of business:**

**Leave me some Love, Ladies and possibly gents! Click that gorgeous button right below, send me a PM or e-mail me at a_letter_to_no_one(at)yahoo(dot)com . **

**Questions? Comments? Concerns? Lemme hear 'em!**

**chau for now chicos! **

**xoxo**

** ~*~Mo~*~  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Here ya go people! Chapter 4! **

**I won't talk much up here, but get ready for some more Bella and Edward action, and then meet me back at the bottom where we'll chit chat some more.  
**

* * *

Ok.

Ok.

Edward is standing at my door.

He has my wallet.

He figured out where I lived.

He has my wallet.

Edward Cullen is standing at me door.

I don't know whether to be frightened or excited about what this means.

But he's here.

And he has my wallet.

Holy crap.

I look him up and down as he's standing there, right in front of me. He's wearing old converse, the same jeans as yesterday I think, a leather jacket and a v-neck shirt with the word "Duffy's" on it in bright green lettering. I wondered what Duffy's was. Maybe be it was a band or something, or just a brand of clothing.

I held up one finger, indicating that he should wait a minute while I closed the door enough so I could remove the chair and open it wider. I stood there, about to ask him what he was doing here and how he got my wallet, when I was interrupted by my tea kettle whistling. I looked over into my kitchen and inwardly groaned at the thought of walking there and back. I looked back at Edward to see him staring at me with a raised eyebrow.

"You, stay there. I still don't know you, so I don't really want you in my house right now. No offense to you, but I'd rather not get murdered right now."

With that, I turned on my heal and tried to look like I wasn't in any pain. I don't think I succeeded at this, especially considering that as soon as I turned around I began sneezing. I groaned and sniffled pathetically as I grabbed the kettle, turned off the stove and made my way to my lovely meal of Cup-A-Noodles. I peeled back the top on the carton and tried to hold it still in my left hand, but the brace was making things difficult. My right hand was shaking badly and I was having a difficult time pouring the water. I really didn't want to burn myself, since I was in enough pain as it is. Finally, I slammed the kettle down in frustration and yelled out.

"Freaking A!"

I was just so freaking tired. I felt like shit, and I now had to deal with a whole slew of shit in regards to Edward. I just wanted to eat this stupid fake soup, and to watch a movie that would make me feel better and not move for a freaking year. Audrey Hepburn. I wanted to freaking watch Audrey Hepburn and forget about the entire freaking world. Watching Audrey would make me feel a heck of a lot better. Maybe Breakfast at Tiffany's, or Sabrina. I was so busy thinking about what movie I was going to watch and glaring at the kettle, that I didn't notice Edward had busted into my apartment when I had yelled.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

I sighed. I seemed to be doing that a lot today, which was surprising, since it hurt like a mother every time I did it.

"Well, Edward, I'm trying to make some food."

He took one look at my Cup-A-Noodles and I knew Fancy-Apartment Boy was judging me. I did not take kindly to people who judged me.

"You call that food? That chemical shit won't make you feel any better. In fact, they'll probably make you feel a hell of a lot fucking worse."

"Well, thank you Mr. Freaking Surgeon General, but I'll have you know that Cup-A-Noodles is about 89 cents a box at Rite Aid, ok? And don't even get me started on how cheap it is at Costco, alright? So if you're done judging me and my food, then I've got some things I'd like to do. You can leave my wallet on the counter and show yourself out. I'm not even going to ask how you got it or how you know where I live."

I turned my back to him and took a deep breath hoping it would help with my shaking hands. I picked up the kettle with both hands this time, and painstakingly slowly poured the water up to the line and replaced the lid. Now I had 3 minutes to waste. I decided I would check my wallet and make sure nothing was missing. But before I could turn around, Edward spoke again, making it clear he hadn't left yet.

"You're still wearing my shirt."

I looked down to see that he was right. I was still wearing his shirt. Shit. How was I going to get myself out of this one? Telling him that I didn't take it off cause it smelled good and was comfy and soft probably wasn't the answer he was looking for, I presumed.

"Listen, it's hard enough getting changed with my ribs hurting like they do, ok? So when I got down to your shirt I'd figured it was one less thing to do. I'll go change now and give it to you."

I turned and looked across my apartment to the bedroom. I always thought this apartment was so small, but right now, that small distance seemed huge. I sighed, again, because I honestly didn't know if I had the energy to get myself over there, and then change my shirt as well, before coming back out here, dealing with Edward, before finally taking my post on my couch. I was going to die.

"No, no it's fine. Keep it. I've got more."

Alrighty then. That takes care of that.

"So… you like London?"

What the…? What kind of a random question was that? My confusion must have been apparent on my face because he continued.

"Your wallet, it says London on it, has uh… fucking Big Ben and all. My pop's is from there, born in Bath."

Ok. So I think he was trying to make me feel more at ease, like he was trying to make me feel like I could trust him. And for some reason I did, trust him that is, to a certain extent anyway. I never noticed before that he had a British accent. How had I not noticed it? Maybe because I was always very busy yelling at him. It wasn't quite British, there was something else mixed in, but it certainly wasn't American.

"I wouldn't know. I've never been there. I've always wanted to. Never had the means or the money though."

"Right then."

And that was it. He just kept freaking staring at me. I wasn't that interesting, brown hair, brown eyes, deathly pale skin on a normal day, I'm sure I looked like death right about now.

"Listen, I just want to watch some Audrey, eat my fake soup, and if all goes well, maybe end up in a coma for a while. Maybe it'll be a good one, ya know? Last a week or something."

"Umm… who the fuck is Audrey?"

"Hepburn. Audrey Hepburn, one of the greatest actresses of all time. Breakfast at Tiffany's, Sabrina, Roman Holiday, Funny Face. Nothing?"

"Nope."

"Eh, you're a guy. It figures you don't know her."

I turned to check my Cup-A-Noodles, when a hand reached around me, grabbed it, and took it away. I turned just in time to see Edward dump my lunch right into the trash. Ok, our bonding moment was over, and I was pissed again.

"Please, please, _please_, for the love of all that is Holy, do not tell me that you are coming into _my _house and are going to start with that 'I need to be taken care of, I'm weak,' telling me what to do bullshit. Cause it's not gonna fly, Pretty Boy. I've had just about enough of your bullshit."

"Will ya shut ya fuckin mouth for a second? Please? Just hear me out will ya?"

I was shocked he was talking to me like that. Normally, I punched people who spoke to me that way, but I was way too fatigued and way to enthralled by the way he made 'out' sound like 'owt'.

"I'll hear what you have to say, but if you ever talk to me like that again, I'll make sure you never have children there, Wonder Boy."

I smiled sweetly at him. He seemed undeterred by my threat and continued on as though I hadn't even spoken.

"Listen, I heard what you said yesterday, and I get how you took things the wrong way. I wasn't saying you're a weak fucking person or incapable of fucking taking care of yourself. I was just saying that you got the shit fucking kicked out of you, and it's my fucking fault ok? I was merely stating that you might need some help for a few weeks, especially since you can't be doing much of anything. And Cup-A-Bullshit is not going to help you get any fucking better, you'll just see it again in 20 minutes while you're fucking paying homage to the bloody porcelain gods."

That was the most I've heard him say the entire time I've known him. I was captivated by his accent again. I made to say something back to defend myself, because I wasn't going to be indebted to someone, especially someone I didn't know. But he set off again when he saw I was going to say something.

"Listen, I get that you don't fucking think that you need any bloody help. And I don't bloody well know why that is. You're overly cautious and you protect yourself. I fucking get that. But you're going to get sicker and worse in health if you don't have someone to fucking help you. So since it's my fault you're this way, you're bloody barmy if you don't think that I'd make sure you get healthy. Ok? So you're not going to eat that shit. You're going to go back to your couch and just let me do this shit. Bloody hell!"

Shit. Edward, now British/Something Else Edward, was kind of a badass. That was unexpected. That was really unexpected. I was thoroughly intrigued which of course, made me angry. I didn't want to be intrigued by someone. I didn't want to need someone. I just wanted to keep doing what I've been doing so that I don't get hurt. I would try and use logic to make him see my way and maybe leave me alone.

"Ok, Thank you, Edward, but the fact of the matter remains, I don't know you. You're right, it is your fault I am this sick and beat up, which is kind of my number one argument for not letting you stay with me right now."

He sighed and balled up his fists before he unclenched them. He kept doing that while looking at his feet. He sighed again and met my gaze, and then he relaxed.

"Listen, I know you don't fucking know me. I get that. I'm sorry about what fucking happened. If I could bloody go back and change it, I would. But I can't. So just let me fucking help you. If I was going to kill you, I probably would have done it by now, don't you think?"

Though his last statement should have made me a little wary, for some reason it made sense to me. With that small rational statement, I felt myself wavering. I would concede to him staying until I was better, helping me occasionally, but after that, there would be nothing more. My walls would stay firmly up and that would be ok. I would not get hurt. I would not have anything like my past happen again.

"Fine. But I have zero food, and I really don't feel like going to the grocery store and I'd have to make a list if you went and I don't feel like cooking. And you threw out my noodles!"

"Wait right here, I'll be back in like 3 bloody minutes."

With that he was out the door. I made my way to my bookcases and looked through my DVDs trying to decide what I would watch. A part of me felt badly about subjecting him to the chick-flick-ness that is Audrey Hepburn, but another part of me felt like I should educate him. And then a whole other part just didn't give a shit. So I decided I'd grab some Audrey and then some others for later. I snagged Breakfast at Tiffany's, Billy Madison, Sabrina, and a season of the show Bones. I had just made my way back to the couch and was setting up what I had dumped there before when Edward appeared again.

"Ok, Isabella…"

"Bella."

His head snapped up in confusion and he gave me this strange look…

"What?"

"Bella. My name. I mean my name is Isabella that's what it says on my license, but I go by Bella. Just…Bella."

"Alright then, Bella. I come bearing bloody gifts!"

He threw his arms in the air and I saw that he was right, he did come bearing gifts. He had probably five plastic shopping bags and one Hot/Cold thermal bag.

"So what the heck do you have in those bags, wonder boy?"

"Umm… a ton of shit. My aunt heard about how sick and hurt you were so she sent a ton of shit. She'll probably be here one of these days, if not today, to make sure you're ok. Your ribs are going to take 3 to 6 weeks to heal and…"

"Wait, hold the phone, three to six _weeks, _WEEKS?"

I grasped the fact that I was shrieking at this point. This would not work. I had only taken off for today, possibly tomorrow from my job at the book store. I needed the money to be able to stay afloat.

"Yeah. That's a rake of bad luck."

"A what of bad luck?"

"Oh… um… a rake. I mean it's a lot of bad luck. 'That sucks', essentially."

I looked at him strangely then.

"Where the ever loving hell are you from?"

He chuckled at my exclamation before answering.

"I was born in England. Lived there 'til I was 8 and then moved to Ireland. My mum's from there originally, Ireland that is, so we had been back and forth before. When I was 16 we moved back to England, in London. After university, I moved here to Chicago with my brother and shortly after that, my sister came over as well. Where the ever loving hell are you from?"

He smirked as he used my own words, but I couldn't appreciate that fact. I was deep in the past. He had unknowingly sent me there with his question. Such a simple question that caused me to remember all the pain. I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to go back.

Shit.

I didn't want to talk about where I was from. Shit. I really, really didn't want to talk about where I was from or what happened there. Christ on a cracker. Shit. The voice in my head was screaming,

_Abort! Abort! Divert! Avoid_!

"Born in Washington, state not D.C., came to Chicago by way of New Jersey a few years back."

"Really, now."

"Yes, really. So, what have you got in those bags there?"

My attempt at distraction worked as he looked down at the bags and then set them on the counter with a smirk, apparently making himself at home.

"Right then, well we've got a large assortment here. My Aunt Esme is in town visiting with Carlisle so she fixed you up some, ahem, real soup. There some bread in here with it that she baked for you, as well as some sweets for when your stomach is stronger. Then I've got a random assortment of other foods, I don't know about you but I brought some comfort foods that I enjoy when I'm sick from England and I asked my brother-in-law what some American ones were and we have some of those here too. I've also got…"

"What kinds of comfort food?"

He looked up shocked that I had interrupted him.

"Uh well, British comfort food or American?"

"American. I'll deal with the British kind later, thank you."

"Well, now bear in mind my brother-in-law is from Texas, so if some things are different then I apologize, but I have bagels? Jazz lived in New York for a while so he said Bagels make everyone feel better, but that the bagels here are rubbish so he made some for you fresh. Erm, macaroni and cheese, potato _and_ macaroni salad, French fries, apple pie, chicken strips, Jasper's, my brother-in-law, business card and a Chinese Food Restaurant's Take-Out menu amongst others."

"Wow. This Jasper guy doesn't do things halfway."

He had me at fresh bagels. From my time in Jersey, I knew my bagels, and I was eager to see if this Jasper guy could make one as good as my place in Springfield, NJ could.

Edward laughed heartily.

"No, he certainly doesn't. You should have seen him when he was courting Alice. He owns a diner a few blocks over so anything comfort food related, he's really your guy. Now, if you're looking for _British _comfort food, then we have the makings of a gold mine here, lassie. Boiled eggs and soldiers, bangers and mash, the makings of fish and chips, of course, toad in the hole, various steamed puddings, I can fix you up some good Irish coddle, and of course, Ice cream, mass amounts of ice cream, in its various shapes and forms."

I was speechless. No one in my family had ever made such a large effort for me before, and here was this beautiful man who owed me nothing, had no ties to me, knew nothing about me except what he learned from my driver's license, was being kinder to me than I'd ever imagined. He was bringing me food, had asked his family to help me, and they were. He made an effort to…comfort me. I don't know how he knew it, but he knew what I would need. I didn't understand this man. He was crass and rude sometimes, but impossibly sweet and unpredictable.

"Why… why are you doing all this for me? You don't even know me."

I couldn't keep my voice above a whisper. I wasn't certain that I wanted the answer to that question and I was wary of what I was about to hear. I lifted my gaze from the floor to look him in the eye, only to find him gazing at me intently. He looked me right in the eye, like he was looking for something, searching for a direction or a sign. Whatever he found made him smile softly at me.

"Because you bloody well needed me, love, maybe not just for some food and caring, but maybe for something more. I'm not quite sure what it is, but there's something there."

I couldn't stop staring. I didn't know what to say to that. I detested when people thought that I couldn't do things on my own. But this didn't seem like he didn't think I could survive, it seemed like he thought maybe I wouldn't want to. I refused to acknowledge if he was correct or not. Even though my inner voice knew. I knew that a large part of me wanted to be cared for, but I was afraid. It didn't matter. 3 week he would be here, 6 at the most.

_You're a coward. You know that he's right, you're just afraid…_

Hush. No more. I didn't want to go back to the past anymore today.

"Right, well, before, as I was saying! 3 to 6 weeks we got to get you going again! So, I'll be here on and off. My family has also volunteered to help you in any way. In fact, Jasper said he'd be by in a few days to see if you'd like him to whip up some food for you and make some… I'm sorry I think he called them hushpuppies? And a cheese dream? I don't suppose that bloody means something to you does it? It's means bloody codswallop to me."

Oh my gosh. I was in heaven just by the thought of those little cornbread balls of heaven and the sandwich that beats almost all sandwiches. I couldn't even bring myself to think about the weird words this guy was using when so many delicious fried delights were in my future.

"You tell your brother-in-law that if he makes those for me I might just try to steal him from your sister. Depending on if he makes them better than my Mama."

Edward laughed out loud again, a musical sound that was quickly growing on me.

"Right then, I'll pass on the message. Now let's get you to the couch since you look dead on your fucking feet. I'll tell you the rest there."

I sighed in relief. I wasn't sure how much longer I was going to be able to stand there. I was starving and almost deliriously tired. Edward carried over the thermal bag and set it on the coffee making a point to arrange my pillows and blankets.

"Ok, I'll get you some of Esme's soup right up so you'll have to be upright for that. It's best for you if when you're laying, that you lay on the side with the broken ribs so that the other side can expand easily. I've got a heating pad to help with the pain some if you'd like that also. Taking deep breaths, even though it'll bloody well hurt like the dickens, is good for your lungs so doing that every so often as well will help."

While he was talking he opened the bag and pulled out a large container of what seemed to be homemade chicken dumpling soup. He poured some into a large mug for me and signaled for me to get onto the couch. He passed me the mug and I could see that someone had taken the time to make the dumplings smaller than usual. They were bite-sized.

"Erm… Esme figured with the sprained wrist and you being ill, you might not be up to silverware, so she made a point to make the dumplings bite sized. It's a mix of Jasper's chicken dumpling recipe and her grandmother's chicken soup recipe. So that's home-made chicken broth in there with all the goods and some Southern American crap."

He attempted to make a joke about Americans and the South but I was floored by something else already, too distracted to notice.

Holy shit. I couldn't believe these people. Where the hell did they come from? Were all British people this nice? If so, I was moving to England ASAP. I sat there in a daze just staring at the soup. This lady had never met me before. She knew nothing about me. I could be a horrible, baby killing book thief for all she knew. My family had never gone to suck lengths like this to take care of me, and these people who didn't know me from Eve were going out of their way to make food for me and were coming to help me. I was shocked and floored.

"Is it alright? If you don't like it I can whip up something else for you."

"No, no! It's fine! Great. Perfect actually! I'm just uh… people don't usually take care of me, ya know? I kind of always take care of other people and then myself."

I wanted to slap myself in the face.

I had let too much out already. I let simple gestures of kindness crack my walls. I was making myself vulnerable again and I had no one to blame but myself. I had to get my head on straight. I had to focus. I began to eat the soup and out of the corner of my eye, noticed Edward awkwardly standing there with his coat still on.

"You can take your jacket off if you'd like, make yourself comfortable and what not."

He gave me this crooked grin and made to do just that.

"Thank you, I think I will."

He took off his jacket and threw it onto a chair and then sat at the other end of the couch, across from me, slinging his arm along the back. I stared at him for a moment until my stomach growled, making it evident that I was ravenous. I attacked my soup with vigor, downing it all rather rapidly while Edward amusedly watched on. I ate in silence while Edward watched and I couldn't bring myself to be bothered by this. When I had finished I made to get up to take the cup to the sink and then to put in one of the movies.

"Where the bloody hell do you think you're going?"

My eyes snapped over to where he sat as he glanced at me, seemingly a little frustrated. I had no idea what I had done to make him that way, but he seemed exasperated with me.

"I was just going to put my cup away and then put in one of the movies?"

It came out as a question, because as I started to speak he raised his eyebrow at me and I felt as though I was being scolded. I looked down and fidgeted with the mug. Finally raising just my eyes to meet his and then diverting them again. I finally met his gaze and hoped to deflect some of his anger by offering him something to drink.

"Did you need something? I could make you some tea if you'd like, or coffee?"

This was apparently the wrong thing to say as it only incensed him even more. He stood up and walked to where I was half off the couch and lightly pushed on my shoulder until I was seated again. He stood towering over me with an odd expression on his face, a mix of confusion, frustration… concern? And something more I couldn't quite name… It was rather frustrating to not know what was going on in his head.

"Bella, what part of I'm here to bloody help you don't you fucking understand? That means _I _bloody well make _you_ tea and _I_ put movies in for _you _so that _you_ can sit on the couch, do nothing, and rest like you deserve."

I blinked up at him in shock as he grabbed my mug from me, threw Breakfast at Tiffany's into the DVD player and walked to the kitchen where I could hear him cleaning the mug and preparing tea. I was shocked.

This was all a dream.

He was acting like a badass knight in shining armor. I didn't know whether to jump his bones the second he walked back, or scream at him to get out so I didn't get sucked in any deeper. I didn't have time to think about it all because he came back with a cup of tea for me just as the beginning titles finished. I smiled up at him as he took his seat again. I sipped at my cup and moaned.

"Oh, my good gracious God, this is the best cup of tea I've ever had in my life."

Edward laughed at that. Apparently, I'm very funny. I didn't know that, especially since I wasn't trying to be this humorously entertaining.

"Ha-ha, yeah well, that's whatcha get when a Brit makes it for ya, you yank!"

I giggled at his exaggerated accent and turned to watch the movie, sipping my tea and getting lost in the story of Holly Go-lightly.

I vaguely registered falling asleep, and the gentle fingers prying my mug from my hands and moving me so I was lying down. I felt blankets cover me and a pressure on my forehead, and then I was lost to the world again…

I woke up some time later to see that the sky outside my windows was dark and spotted with stars, as the TV cast a blue light around the room. I looked around and found that I was alone. I was somewhat disappointed at this. I knew that I shouldn't be, that I would be setting myself up for disaster if this went any farther than I had said it would. I had to remember what happened before.

It was still disheartening to wake up alone though, when I was beginning to enjoy having company. I knew Edward would have to leave eventually; he probably had more people to _deal _with or something. But I still had hoped that his leaving would not affect me like this, or at the very least I would be able to say good-bye with my armor in place so that it didn't hurt. This way, I was taken off guard and left to fend with my emotions.

Though I was alone by choice, it was as a means to protect myself, not for personal enjoyment. I liked having someone to talk to, even though Edward and I had barely talked. I wanted him back here, and that scared me. It scared me so very much.

I still felt like crap, but I did feel different, lighter maybe. I wasn't sure. I didn't want to acknowledge the change in my life that might have caused this; instead I stretched out on the couch again, and tried to ignore the aching in my heart at being alone again. I hoped Edward would come back, that he would stay true to his word and not abandon me like so many others before had, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. Because that in and of itself always led to defeat in the end.

I lay down; hoping sleep would overcome me again so I could have a break from my thoughts.

But as I was drifting off to sleep again, I heard _his_ voice, and I knew all chances of a peaceful sleep were long gone.

_Who could want you Isabella? Huh? _

_Tell me one person who has gone out of their way for you. _

_You _need_ me. _

_You're nothing without me. _

_You're nothing. _

_No one wants someone who's nothing Isabella, no one. _

_Don't ever forget that._

_Don't ever forget that. Anything you do is this world will be shit. _You_ are shit. _

_No one wants shit in their lives, Isabella. _

_Don't ever forget that…_

_Don't ever forget that…_

_**Don't ever…**_

_**Forget…**_

_**

* * *

**_**AN: wow wow wow wow**_**! **_**so we have Bella's snarky shield cracking a little under the charm of British/Irish Edward. I didn't randomly make edward british in the fourth chapter, I knew all along our boy was european. I find a british Edward to be the sexiest of all Edwards. But that's just me. wooah. is it getting hot in here, or is it me?**

**Anywho! Check out the Polyvore lovlies! I'm letting you know that I do make the polyvores before I post the chappies most of the time, so if you want a sneak peak at whats going to happen, you can check that out! **

**Please, please, please review! I've noticed that I have over a hundred hits on this story, but only about 5 story alerts and about 5 reviews I think. Am I doing something wrong here people? What don't you like? What can I do better? Let me know! PM me, review, or hit me up in an e-mail. All the info in on my profile along with the link for the polyvore. **

**I wouldn't mind if you told some people about my story! This isn't a typical Bella or a typical Edward, so it's going to be different. Bella's not just going to bow down and do whatever Edward says and think lowly of herself compared to him. Edward's not going to be perfect and always do the right thing. It's not going to be a fairy tale rainbows, butterfly, unicorns puking glitter type of story. Shit's gonna go down, and there are gonna be consequences. In the end, there will be Edward/Bella togetherness, cause I can't bear to have that shit not happen. **

**But anyway, thanks to everyone who's reviewed! Especially AZIdolfan! Thank you girlie! For reading and reviewing each chapter as they come and letting me know what you think. It means a lot and I hope you keep on doing it!**

**SO! **

**See that button there, kids?**

**Click it, write something, and guess what?**

**cupcakes will fall from the sky.**

**don't believe me?**

**try it. see if i'm wrong. **

**but either way, **

**leave me some love...**

**~*~Mo~*~  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Hello chickadees! Long time no talk. We have new things happening in the OSO world guys and gals (SIDE NOTE: Oso means bear in spanish. that has nothing to do with the story and thats not some sort of wierd foreshadowing, it's just a fun fact. tuck that tidbit away for trivia night kids.) I have been oh so lucky to find a beta! Yes, that is right, musegirl is the new OSO beta! I asked her to write something, and she did. She says she's not cool, but legit, she is a fantastic beta who has helped me greatly with this chapter, i think. So, here's musegirl :**

_**Hi, I'm musegirl, Mo's new beta! I'm super excited she agreed to let me be her beta, and you too could have been her beta if you had reviewed her story along with random notes about cupcakes! I am really excited with where the story is headed and that I get to see the chapters before everyone else. That is the biggest perk to being a beta! Hope you all love the next chapter as much as I do, and if you do - let her know!**_

**Alright, kids, meet me down at the bottom where we'll chat some more. Now, we get some Jazz and Em in this chappie, so I, myself, was exceptionally pleased with this one. Enjoy!**_**  
**_

_

* * *

I was pretty sure I was dreaming. _

_Especially since I haven't been back on this street since that night. _

_I'm running. I can hear my feet slapping against the pavement. It's dark. I'm scared. And I'm running from the last person I should have to run from. _

_My feet are killing me, my lungs are screaming, _

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

_My feet hit the pavement in time with my heart._

_My head was whipping around, looking out for when he would undoubtedly find me and try and bring me back. I didn't want to go back. I wanted to run. _

_I ran into the woods, dodging the trees, grateful for the thick darkness they provided._

"_Isabella!"_

_Shit._

_I ran faster._

_I ran deeper into the woods._

"_Isabella get your ass back here you bitch!"_

_I ran faster, still._

"_Isabella!"_

_I sprinted from the voice._

"_You can't run forever, you ugly whore!"_

_I kept moving. Tears were streaming down my face, but I ran more._

"_UMFPH"_

_I hit the ground. I had tripped over a branch. I tried to get up, but cried out in pain. I had twisted my ankle. There was no more running._

_Now there was only hiding. _

"_!__"_

_His voice sent chills down my spine. I pushed myself farther and farther into the woods, crawling back, still looking around. Whimpering, I curled myself into a ball on the forest floor, praying he wouldn't find me._

_I felt hot breath close to my ear._

"_Gotcha."_

_I jumped. Shit. It was over. _

_I was screwed._

_I felt him wrench my arm up to pull me off the ground. _

"_Let's go Isabella; I've had enough of your games. It's my turn now." _

_No._

_No. I didn't want to play his games._

_No, no, no. _

_Somebody help me!_

"Isabella?"

_Somebody, anybody, help me!_

_He dragged me back to the house and threw me on the floor. He stepped on my hurt ankle and I screamed out._

"_Tsk, tsk, naughty, naughty Isabella. You should know better than to run."_

_I saw him go for his belt buckle. _

_No._

_No. _

_NO!_

_I didn't want this. _

_I looked up into his eyes and it was like looking into a mirror._

_No! _

"Isabella!"

_Please, no!_

_Somebody help me!_

_Please!_

"Isabella!"

_Please don't, I'll be good._

_I swear next time I'll be good. _

_I know I'm nothing. _

"Isabella, wake up!"

_Please!_

_I was sobbing. It hurt so much. _

_NO! PLEASE!_

_I was screaming now, begging and pleading with someone who would never even listen to the words._

_He smirked, and then pulled his hand back and released it to punch me in the stomach._

_Stop, please. Please stop._

_He smiled. He smiled that same stupid fucking _smile.

_I knew what that meant…_

_NO!_

"ISABELLA!"

I shot upright.

I spun around. Looking for him. There was a large man standing over me, with honey colored eyes and brown hair. I screamed and backed up as far away from him as I could. Shit. No.

"Please don't hurt me. Please, please don't. No, no, no, no…"

I was hyperventilating. Who was this man? What was he doing here? How did he get in? Was…_he_ here?

I kept crawling away from him. I had fallen off of the couch and was crawling into the kitchen as he watched me, in shock.

"Please, please, just leave me alone. PLEASE!"

"Isabella, please you need to calm down. I'm not going to hurt you ok? I swear I won't hurt you."

He held his hands up in front of him in surrender. His voice…

I'd heard that accent before…

In the back of my mind I knew where but I couldn't place it.

"Please, Isabella. I swear I won't hurt you, but you need to relax. This isn't good for your ribs and you're only hurting yourself more. Just relax, sweetheart. Just calm down."

How did he know about my ribs? Did he work with Edward? Was he going to …_deal_ with me. That thought alone was enough to make me start fearing him again. He was huge, bigger than Edward even.

"Honey, it's ok. I'm Edward's brother, Emmett. It's going to be ok, alright? Do you want me to ring him? I can ring him if it'll make you feel better, so he can tell you who I am. I'm just going to get my mobile, ok? I'm not going to move from where I am, alright? I'm just pulling my mobile from my pocket."

He was talking to me like he would if he were a hostage negotiator. I was still freaking out and I wanted Edward. I knew I wanted Edward. I shouldn't want Edward, but I did, more than anything. I knew that Edward was the only thing that would calm me right now.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw another man; a tall, lanky blonde one. I screamed before facing him fully.

"Whoa, there darlin', no need to be frightened. I'm sorry, I'm Jasper. Edward told you about me, alright, girlie? Now listen, I'm just gonna go stand by Emmett, alright honey? Don't you worry we're not gonna hurt you, ok? We're here to help you. You've gotta get yourself outta that dream you were locked in, sweetheart. Just take some deep breaths, ok? Emmett's getting Edward on the phone and it's all going to be ok."

Just a dream. It never happened, one of my greatest fears, but it was just a dream. It never happened, _he_ wasn't here. It was just a dream.

The blonde man walked over to stand by the larger man and I did remember Edward telling me about his brother-in-law. I remember hearing about a brother as well, but I didn't recall any names.

I was still scared out of my mind, back up into a corner. I couldn't stop the questions ran through my mind.

How did they get into my house?

How long had they been here?

What have they been doing?

What do they want from me?

That question made my breaths come quicker. I could hear voices in the background, but my breathing drowned out the muffled whispers.

"Isabella?"

My head snapped up to meet the concerned gaze of the large one.

"Honey, I'm going to slide my phone along the floor to you ok? Edward's on the line and he's going to talk to you, alright?"

I nodded my head and then had a thought.

"Could you toss me your driver's licenses, please?"

My voice barely carried at all. But the large one, Emmett, seemed to make a proud smirk before pulling out his wallet. He let Edward know what he was doing before he slid his ID across the floor to me. The blonde one, Jasper, did the same before Emmett slid me the phone. I looked at it and for a moment I felt bad that he had slid such a nice phone across my hard wood floors. I hoped it wouldn't get scratched from it. I held the licenses in my hand without looking at them and timidly held the phone to my ear while keeping my gaze locked on the two intruders.

"Hello?"

It seemed my voice was long gone, and I could only speak in whispers.

"Hey, Bella, I need you to calm down, duck. Are you alright? You're breathing kind of quick there, love. Can you calm down for me, please? Take some deep breaths, Bella, everything's ok. "

His smooth voice floated through the phone and I don't know why, but it instantly calmed me.

"Edward, you don't… there are… they said… and you weren't…and he's… my dream…"

"Shh… it's alright, love. It's ok. Can you take a deep breath for me? You're not making sense, sweetheart. I need you to calm down alright? It's really important that you relax, ok love?"

I took a couple deep breaths before looking at the men in my apartment. My voice was still nothing but a whisper as I spoke to Edward again, trying to convey my emotions.

"He's huge, Edward."

Yup. That about sums it up.

I slowed my breathing to some extent. On the other end of the line, I could hear Edward chuckle at what I had said, instantly knowing whom I was referencing.

"Yes, Bella, my brother is huge. Listen, I know you have their IDs now, ok? The huge one is my brother; his name is Emmett McCarty Cullen, ok? Can you check that one out for me?"

I looked at the first small square of plastic quickly before matching the picture to the face in front of me, wrinkled in concern.

"Ok. So…this is your brother?"

"That's right, love. And the blonde bloke is my brother-in-law, Jasper Eli Whitlock the third, alright? He's the one with the comfort food, doll, and I'm thinking these two blokes owe you a hell of a lot of bloody comfort food right now."

I looked at the other ID, checked the name and then looked back up at the other man. It matched his as well.

Now I was exceptionally embarrassed. I was an idiot. This was terrible.

"Edward, I'm so, sooo sorr-"

"Bella, don't even finish that sentence. Didn't you find my note, love?"

"Note? What note?"

"Excuse me, lass, but I think he's talking about this note here? It's got your name on it and it looks like Edward's handwriting."

Emmett waved a piece of paper in the air at me.

"Is it alright if I bring it to you?"

"Um, yes. Thank you. I'm really very sorry that I…"

It was Jasper that interrupted me this time.

"Don't worry about it, honey. We all get scared and we've all got shit in our closets that mess with our heads. You know what you need? Some stuffed french toast. I was gonna get some of those bagels going but honey, you need some french toast like I've never seen anyone needin' french toast before. Don't worry, I've got my mama's recipe and it'll make everything ok. "

With that Jasper headed to the kitchen, taking the note from Emmett and passing it to me as he walked away. Emmett stood there awkwardly, waiting for something to do. I realized I probably wasn't going to be able to get up without some help.

"Um… Emmett, is it? Would you mind terribly helping me up? Um, my ribs are throbbing really badly."

"Oh, bollocks, of course, love. Bloody hell, I didn't even think of that."

With that he sprung into action, crossing the room in a few long strides and picked me clear up off the floor, carrying me over to the couch where he set me down.

"Bella…"

I had forgotten I had Edward on the phone.

"Oh, shit sorry Edward!"

"Quite alright love, did you read the note?"

"Oh, um not yet, just a second, please"

I looked at the paper in my hand and unfolded it, taking a moment to appreciate the clean, clear penmanship.

Bella,

I have to head to work now, but I'll be back to see you soon. It's about 8 p.m. now and you're sound asleep, so I won't wake you. My brothers will be coming tomorrow in the morning to stay with you for a while or to take you anywhere you'd like to go since I may not be able to come back tomorrow because of work. They'll be there all day for you. Don't argue. Just let them help you. I've given them the spare key from your wallet. I figured you might not enjoy my leaving the door unlocked for a long while, especially since you're sleeping. If you need anything, please call. My number's at the bottom, as well as my work number. If I don't answer, just ask whoever's answered the phone for Edward and they'll find me. Sleep well, love, I'll see you soon.

~Edward

At the bottom of the page were two telephone numbers labeled simply, "mobile" and "work."

"Ok, I've read the note."

"Alright then, we're all up to speed. How about this Bella, why don't you get something to eat and then have Emmett and Jazz bring you over here for a while. Get you some fresh air and what not. Might be a little bit more comfortable for you, but only if you'd like to come that is."

I knew this was when I should say no thank you. This was when I should build up my walls higher and stronger so that I couldn't possibly get hurt. When I should clearly draw the line in the sand, but I didn't want to. I wanted to see Edward. He made me feel safe, and right now I really needed that comfort. I was still reeling from my dream and the big scare of having two men I didn't know in my house. For some reason, only the thought of seeing Edward shortly lessened my worry.

"Are you sure you wouldn't mind? You're working and I'm sure I'd just be in the way and I doubt you'd want a distraction doing…whatever… it is… you're… um… doing and your boss would probably not like that…I'm, um… there…and-"

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Just shut up and come down here, ok? Bring the big blokes and it'll be alright. I'll whip you up some fish and chips ok? I'll see you soon."

And with that he hung up. I looked at the phone and then at Emmett, who was still standing in front of me, looking at me like he was afraid I would fall apart. I smiled at him, hoping it would put him at ease. His responding smile was blinding.

"There we go, love. That's what I want to see. Mind if I take a seat, Isabella?"

"Bella."

"What?"

I laughed, this conversation was almost identical to the one I'd had with Edward just yesterday.

"My name, I was christened Isabella but I prefer Bella. Isabella is buried with bad memories. Go ahead and take a seat, make yourself at home."

He smiled and then plopped down on the couch and spread his arms across the back of it, covering it almost entirely. He looked over his shoulder and shouted at Jasper.

"Jazz! Nix the Isabella! Bellarina here says it's a no go! She goes by Bella, ain't that right tiny dancer?"

"Duly noted! Isabella no more! Belladona, your meal will be ready shortly. Now, what did our fair Eddie have to say?"

I chuckled at their banter and their plays on my name.

"Edward said that he wanted you guys to take me over to… wherever he is later on today. What time is it anyway?"

Emmett laughed before answering.

"Well, love, it's actually three. You've slept all bloody day!"

Holy shit. I must be pretty sick if I slept that late. Not that I would admit that to anyone, but still.

"Umm… wow. Ok. Where are we going then?"

Emmett smirked at me and then laughed.

"Well, I bet if Eddie boy hasn't told you already, then he wants it to be a surprise. We wouldn't want his knickers to get in a twist if we spoil his fun."

He winked at me, and then Jazz appeared with three plates of the most delicious looking French toast I've ever seen. I was drooling just looking at it. It was layered with bananas and strawberries, sprinkled with powdered sugar, covered in maple syrup, and sweet Jesus on a pony, it was smothered in whipped cream.

"Well, dig in girl! We've got to get you to Eddie now."

I didn't have to be told twice. I took a bite, out of the French toast came what seemed to be a cream cheese something that probably had a super fancy name with strawberry sauce. I greedily dug in and moaned as the flavors hit my mouth. I wanted to be embarrassed at the explicit sexual sound I'd just made, but I couldn't bring myself to be. It was so good.

"Jasper, I swear if you weren't married, I'd marry you and then blow you every day just to eat this more often."

Oh, shit. My filter is definitely broken. Jasper choked on his food and Emmett looked shocked before laughing hysterically, hitting his hand on his knee. Jasper quickly recovered and winked at me.

"Well, darlin' I'm sure the missus would be against sharing me, I'm pretty damn good in bed."

That only made Emmett laugh harder as my face got redder. But if this guy was good in bed _and_ he could cook like this, whoever his wife was, she had hit the jackpot. I ducked my head and kept on eating. When I felt the heat leave my face I decided to change the subject.

"So, Emmett you're from England, too?"

"Psh, not on your life, lass. I'm an Irishman."

That didn't really make any sense. If he was Edward's brother, wouldn't they both be English and Irish, since he had told me his mother was Irish and his father was English? That was a little odd. Emmett seemed to see the wheels turning in my head and he made to take my focus elsewhere.

"But what about you, ya yank, where do you hail from? I know Jazz here came to Chicago by way of New York, but what about you there, duck?"

Why was everyone calling me duck? Was is cause my last name was Swan?

"I was born in Washington state but came to Chicago by way of New Jersey."

Jasper's head snapped up at this.

"Oh, you know bagels then, don't you?" I nodded. "Finally! Someone who knows the difference between a roll with a hole in it and a bagel! Girl, you and I are going to have a bagel day soon. I need someone who knows what they're talking about when they tell me my bagels are good. These Brits wouldn't know a bagel if it bit 'em in the ass, pardon my language. McDonald's bagels are lies. They are plain lies."

Emmett laughed again at Jasper's tangent; Emmett seemed like a really, genuinely happy guy. I think I threw him for a loop when I freaked out this morning. He seemed like the kind of guy who would protect people fiercely but could never hurt a fly. I could see myself getting closer to both of these guys. I finished my food as Emmett told dirty jokes to get me laughing.

"Alright guys, I'm going to go change and then we can go if that's alright? Make yourselves at home, watch TV or whatever."

I slowly got up, as both Emmett and Jasper jumped up to help me. Emmett scooped me up again and carried me into my room before placing me on my bed.

"Take your time, lass. Give us a holler if you need help with anything." He waggled his eyebrows at that and was on his way.

I looked around my room and thought about my options. I will admit that I wanted to look nice. But I was restricted because of my wrist, as well as my ribs to what I could put on, as well as the fact that I still felt like crap and I wanted to be comfortable. I took off my sweats and grabbed thick, black leggings and put them on. I then picked out a rose pink, loose racer back tank top and slowly pulled that on as well, taking the time to pause when every shift caused my ribs to ache. I walked to my closet and pulled out my oversized, long beige cardigan and belted it. I pick one of my favorite pairs of flats, a bone colored pair that was covered in black lace. I grabbed my floppy, beanie style hat and threw that on. I looked in the mirror. I was wearing all rather boring and subdued colors, but most of the time I did that anyway. I walked over to my make-up and dug around until I got to the bottom. I pulled out my cherry red lipstick and the matching gloss that tasted really sweet. I glided on the lip color and followed it up with the gloss. I grabbed my mascara and added a bit of that as well. I took a last look in the mirror and smiled, remembering something my mom had said.

_Bella, sometimes all you need is a good lipstick. Red is always good honey, men are drawn to bright colors, and red lips just begged to be kissed. Always keep some red in there somewhere, baby. A good lipstick, remember that; that and a good bra. _

I laughed, remembering my mother. She was so full of life, so beautiful. I missed her more and more with each day.

I threw on a long, gold locket to complete the look and grabbed my coat and my purse, throwing the red lipstick and gloss in there before I marched myself out to the living room where the boys sat.

"Well, look at you Miss Bella, you clean up nice, girl!"

Emmett rose, as Jasper was talking, and circled me as though he were analyzing a piece of art. He stepped in front of me finally with an appraising look on his face. He broke into a slow grin before scooping me up and swinging me around. I cried out in pain as he crushed my ribs to his chest.

"Oh, shit! I'm sorry Bella! I forgot you're gimpy! I'm so so sooo sorry!"

I bent over trying to ease the pain in my side and trying to breathe easier. Shit. That really freaking hurt. I stood up straight again and smiled at a worried looking Emmett. He smiled back sheepishly before chuckling.

"You're gonna make him come to his knees when he sees you beautiful Bella."

I blushed again before moving everyone to the door. Emmett insisted on giving me a piggy-back ride, informing me with disgust that my building had no elevator. Of this fact I was aware, since I lived here. Apparently that made no difference to Emmett and he still informed me of the "injustice."

We made our way to a giant Jeep where Emmett lifted me up into it and helped me buckle the …harness? Did cars even have harnesses? Why did I get the feeling I was about to get on an amusement park ride I had not signed up for?

"Um…Emmett? Why does your car have harnesses in it?"

"Easy question, Bellevator, for off roading of course!"

Oh. Of course, how silly of me.

We drove for a few minutes, hitting brief traffic, which caused Emmett to curse at the other cars and Jasper to laugh. I drifted in the back seat, letting my mind wander as I looked out the window without really seeing anything. I was curious as to what Edward's job was. He didn't strike me as the kind of guy who would be in the corporate world. He didn't seem like a teacher either. I couldn't see him as a cop or a firefighter, and he had said he'd cook for me… Did he work from home? These ideas swirled around in my mind but nothing really stuck. Suddenly, the door next to me opened. I hadn't even realized we had stopped.

"Here you go, darling. Let's get going."

Jasper helped me out of the car and I looked up to see where we were going. We were parked in front of what looked to be a restaurant. It appeared vaguely familiar to me. There was an alley on either side of the building as well as what looked like an apartment on top. There were random shops going up and down each side of the street surrounding the building. It was an old looking building, with wood trimmings; it looked like a large cottage, like something you'd find in the country side of England.

We walked closer to the building and the growing sense of déjà vu wouldn't leave me. I looked above the door to see a large sign in green declaring the building, "Duffy's." Duffy's… that was the shirt Edward had on the other day… Ok, so this was where Edward worked. Edward wasn't in the mob; at least I was pretty sure he wasn't…

The inside of the building was obviously a restaurant and bar. There were tables scattered in the middle of the room and booths lining the walls, on the right there was a long bar with stools where patrons sat laughing. There were TVs set up in certain places and the walls were covered with various objects. Beer bottles were glued to the wall along with Manchester United sports paraphernalia. There were posters, maps, signs, pictures … a singing fish? It was a sensory overload. I felt hot breath on my neck, and I jumped, this reality too close to what I had experienced in my dream. I heard a chuckle and then a deep, smooth voice whispered in my ear.

"Welcome to Duffy's, Bella."

* * *

**AN: SO! Recap! We have our favorite psuedo brothers, we have a tiny peek into Bella's past again with her dream. We know a little something more about Edward's work, but not much. We do know that Bella would blow someone for stuffed french toast. So the way to Bella's heart is through her stomach. Hmmm... Eddie might have to remember that! ha ha**

**As always, the polyvore is up and the link is on my profile! Polyvore is usually up before the chaps because then I don't have to find clothes that fit my descriptions, instead i find clothes and describe them. good plan. **

**Now, guys, gals, and undecideds, what's in store for you next chapter? **

**Get ready, we've going deep. **

**That's right. **

**An EPOV.**

**I'll give you a moment to process that. **

**I tell no lies. **

**Edward speaks next chapter! **

**It has been brought to my attention that clicking the button does not make cupcakes rain from the sky. My people are working on it. In the mean time, I know King's supermarkets have a lovely selection of pre-made cupcakes. As does the A&P, and if you get friendly with the bakers, sometimes they'll bake them while you shop and then they're warm when you get them. I'm sure this costs more, but who cares? Go get your cupcake on, and while you're at it, click that button down there and write me a lil somethin', somethin.**

**let me know what you think of this chapter, the good, the bad, the ugly, the ...wtf? and of course,**

**Leave me some looooovvvveeee!**

**~*~Mo~*~  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Welcome back! It's been about a week since we've last talked! Now, this gem before you is EPOV! That's right ladies( and gentlemen) , we're getting a peek into Edward's mind. Now, this chapter was rather hard for me to write so excuse the delay in posting, but let me know what you think! Please read the AN down below, where there are losts of new things to be seen and heard and shared. I'll meet you down there.**

**I give you,**

**Edward:  
**

* * *

_I heard a chuckle and then a deep, smooth voice whispered in my ear._

"_Welcome to Duffy's, Bella."_

**EPOV**

She had jumped when she felt my breath on her, but when she heard my voice she leaned her body back into me.

Bella Swan.

This girl would be the bloody death of me.

These past few days alone- had it really only been three? - were enough to drive me insane. Since the moment I saw her in the alley, I knew I had to know her. I wanted her. _God,_ I needed her.

And she got the shit beat out of her because of me.

I still had to tell her about that. But I was hoping that I could hold off a little longer on giving her the answers she wanted so I could stay in her life a little longer. Scheherazade style, if you will. I was basically forcing myself into her life, but I had to know her, she drew me in completely.

It was probably one of the scariest things I'd ever experienced when she wouldn't wake up after that guy hit her. That freaked me out more than it should for someone who was a complete stranger. I carried her to my apartment and called Carlisle, thanking God above that he and Esme were visiting from England. I called him in a panic once I got her situated in my room. Luckily, he was only about a half hour away but I was on my own til then.

And she was just laying there. She looked really peaceful, if someone can look peaceful right after they've had their arse handed to them. Then she started shivering. That brought forth a dilemma: to change or not to change her clothes. I knew she could get sick if she stayed in the wet stuff, but she was a complete stranger and I didn't want to be some pervert who creeped on her.

I decided to do it very quickly. I took off her coat, and noticed the back was completely soaked though, and it had wet the comforter beneath it. That also needed attention, but right then I had a mission. I took off her boots and socks, setting those aside. I had her lying there in a sweater with a tank underneath and jeans. Sweater, I had decided, definitely the sweater next. That left the tank and the jeans. I couldn't figure out how the bloody hell I was going to do that in a fucking gentlemanly manner. I was already fucking hard as a goddamn rock. Then inspiration struck. I got one of my long sleeved shirts and came back. I remembered my sister changing in the back of the car on the way from school to equestrian lessons. She would have a tank top underneath her shirt, put the other shirt over the tank top, then pull down the straps and shimmy out of it. I had hoped to achieve something similar to that. I pulled the shirt over her , relieved to see that she was completely covered. I reached up under the shirt to undo the fastenings of her jeans and pull them down. I placed her under the covers, changed the comforter and settled in to wait for Carlisle.

Then she finally woke up. I don't think I've ever been more bloody amused by anyone in my life. I chuckled at the memory of her shrieking at me about her pants. The rest of the night did not play out as I had planned. I pictured her staying and letting me taking care of her. I'd never bloody taken care of anyone in my life, but I was picturing myself making her tea and ensuring she was warm enough. Instead, she left. Telling me I knew nothing about her, yelling that I had no right to call her weak or tell her what to do. And she was right, but she misunderstood me, and she left.

Then I found her again, and she let me stay. For whatever reason, she let me stay. She didn't see the fucked up dick that I am and she let me into her home. She fell asleep there, so peaceful, so beautiful. God. I was forced to leave and to go to work, leaving her a note telling her where I was and what was happening. I called Jasper and Emmett and asked them to come to Bella and they readily agreed. I met then at Duffy's and gave them her spare key that I'd slipped from her wallet. They headed over and I got to work.

But she freaked the fuck out. Hearing her bloody screams through the phone nearly killed me. I tried my hardest not to sound pained when I talked to her and she just sounded so fucking small on the phone. I knew something bad had to have happened to her to make her like this, but fuck. Goddammit I think I would give anything to take that blimey fuckery away from her. The fierce girl I had rip me a new one when I dared call her weak was crumpled on the floor, broken. Why does the world do that? Why does the world take whatever is so god damned bloody beautiful in this world and try to destroy it? She didn't deserve it.

"Edward…"

She said my name like a prayer, sighing it, like that one sound alone was enough to just make everything go away. And fuck it I didn't bloody love that shit. Because I knew she was bloody broken. I was broken once, too. But I wanted to be the one to fucking fix her. I wanted to be there when she woke up from a nightmare and was scared. I wanted to be the one to make sure she was ok, I wanted to bloody take care of her.

"'Ello, lovely. You doing alright there?"

She turned to face me and I swear I got hard enough to cut bloody glass with my cock right then. If I had whipped it out I could have carved my initials in the bar I was so hard. She was wearing these tights that made her legs look like they went on forever. She had on this big sweater, this huge floppy thing with a belt that somehow just hinted at all her lovely curves but made me want to bloody rip the thing off so it'd stop teasing me. And that hat. She had a floppy oversized version of the beanie I had that was just sitting right on top of her hair, and she looked so God damned adorable I just wanted to kiss her. Her clothes weren't sexy by a long shot. They were simple, they were comfortable, but for Christ's sake this girl made me want to bend her over the bar and pound into her until she screamed my name so loud she couldn't speak.

"I'm well, thank you."

It was a knee-jerk reaction of an answer, I was sure of it. Her eyes were heavily lidded, her nose was slightly red, she was favoring one side, and she was rubbing the brace on her wrist. She was getting easier for me to read, but it was frustrating as fucking hell that it was difficult to begin with.

I put my hands on her shoulders and bent my knees so I was at eye level with her. I will admit, I did have to bend quite a bit, she was really small. Not as small as Alice, but definitely a far cry from my own height of 6'5". I looked into her eyes and she just stared back, a little confused.

"Bella, _really_, how are you? Don't give me some shitty answer you give any old bloke on the street. How are you feeling?"

She sighed and looked down. Trying to help her was like trying to pull teeth out of an elephant. She made simple questions like asking how she was feeling into a huge deal. It was a matter of if she'd be honest with me or not. It was a matter of her taking a step in trusting me and mother of fucking God I wanted her to take that step.

She looked back up at me and sighed again, then winced. I cringed right along with her because I knew broken ribs, and I knew that shit is painful. Her eyes actually filled with tears from the pain and she looked away and blushed, embarrassed that I saw. I turned her face back towards me and raised my eyebrow, still waiting for an answer.

"It hurts still. It all hurts. It's nice to move around but I'm still tired and I still hurt. Ok? Are you happy now?"

She had narrowed her eyes at me. It was my turn to sigh because this girl seriously could not make anything easy for me.

"No. I'm not happy you're hurt, but let's get you seated somewhere." I looked around and tried to find one of the waitresses to see what table was open and farthest from the mayhem.

"Tanya!"

Her head whipped up from the table she had just set drinks down on. She excused herself and walked over; giving me the same creepy look she always gave me. I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist to help support her a little and possibly use her as a shield. Tanya stepped up to smirk at me, pushing her massive cleavage at me.

"What's up, boss?" She winked thinking I was into it.

I was not.

"Right. This is Bella. She's… a really good friend. Do we have a quiet table somewhere?"

She glared at Bella before turning back to me. I lifted my eyebrow in a silent challenge for her to say something, anything that didn't fall into the category of a polite and professional answer to my question. She perked right up and slowly smiled again.

"Of course. Table 14's just been cleared."

"Great. I'm going to help Garrett set up to take over the bar. Get Bella whatever she wants, on the house. No questions. If we don't have, get it. Got it? Good! Great! Grand! Wonderful!"

"No yelling on the bus."

I whipped my head to look at Bella who had just finished the quote for me. I smirked because she always seemed to keep me on my toes and do what I never expected her to do. I heard Tanya huff next to me and I turned back to her to give her a disapproving look.

"Ok then. Tanya, go get Bella a menu and some tea, with honey. Tell Garrett I'll be right with him, ok? I'm going to get Bella to the table. Number 14, yes?"

Tanya nodded her confirmation and I started to move Bella and myself through the room. Em and Jazz were already at the bar, probably drinking it dry. I was about to set Bella up at the table when I realized a booth would probably be more comfortable for her. I looked around and noticed that they were all full. I saw one was filled with regulars and sat Bella in the chair, telling her to wait a moment for me while I went to speak with them. I approached their booth and they all cheered when they saw me.

"'Ello, mates. How're we doing tonight?"

I got answers in the affirmative with pints being lifted in my direction as they toasted me.

"Grand. Listen, chaps, I've got a favor to ask, see that lovely bird over there?"

I pointed to Bella and they nodded and smiled, one of them whistling until the others shut him up. Damn straight. I gave him the eye to let him know that wouldn't bloody fly before I continued.

"Right then, well that lovely lady has had quite a rough few days, mates. She has herself a couple broken ribs and she's a tad under the weather as well. I was wondering if you'd mind terribly switching with her so she could have this booth. It'd be easier on her ribs, ya see, and I'd give you a round on the house for your kindness."

Before I could even get the whole spiel out, they had gathered their things and were gathering around the table where Bella was sitting, one of them helping her out of her chair. I walked over and guided her to the booth.

"But they were sitting here, they didn't have to leave. Why did they leave? I don't need to sit in a booth Edward, I'm fine at the table."

"Hush up and sit down, pretty lady. We men don't need the booth when a little thing like you is hurt. Here, the waitress brought your tea to us and said she was too busy to bring it over so I brought it to ya."

It seems one of the regulars had spoken for me. He was an older bloke, Mr. Banner was, a middle aged southern chap. I was pissed that Tanya claimed she was too busy to bring Bella her tea to a different table. It was 5 bloody feet away for Christ's sake. We would be having words, that was certain.

"Right then. Bella, you heard the man, up you go! Here's your tea, I'll grab you a menu if you want anything to eat. I'm going to get Garrett set up at the bar and then I'll come back. I'll send Tanya or another one of the girls over to take care of you while I'm gone. Jazz and Em are going to take off since they need to get back to their wives." I laughed as I said the last part, and Bella smiled. I couldn't help myself, and bent over to kiss the top of her head. Right, now, off to the bar.

I approached the bar to find Tanya trying fruitlessly to flirt with Emmett. I was seeing fucking red. Too bloody busy to bring her the fucking tea, my bloody fucking arse.

"Tanya, could I have a word with you in my office, please? Garrett, you're good to set up on your own, right?"

Once he nodded his confirmation, I told Emmett and Jazz that they could head out and say good-bye to Bella and let her know I'd be right with her. I turned back to Tanya and glared to let her know I wasn't happy. She smirked as though this was her plan all along. I led her to the back office, catching one of the other waitresses on the way back and letting her know to see if Bella needed anything and to come let me know what it was.

I opened the door and let Tanya pass first, so I could do what I really wanted to do. I slammed the bloody fucking door with all my fucking might. It shook the entire wall and I could hear the wall hangings rattle.

"What the bloody fucking hell do you fucking think you're doing?"

She looked up at me slowly through her eyelashes, trying to be coy and sexy. I assure you, it was not. It looked something akin to what precedes a seizure.

"Whatever do you mean, Eddie?"

Oh. Oh bloody fucking no. No, no, no. That shit did not just happen.

"Alright, Tanya, first, I am your bloody boss," I started ticking off facts on my fingers as I still continued to yell, "You do not refer to me as anything other than "Edward" or "Boss" is that clear?" I didn't wait for her to answer before I continued, "Second, let me ask you something, Tanya, do you own Duffy's? No, then would you like to tell me why you were spending the time you should have been bloody well working, like I pay you to, flirting with costumers? Customers, who also happen to be my fucking family. Not only are they my family, but they are bloody married, one of whom to my baby sister. Facts you are fully fucking aware of. I gave you one fucking thing to do. Take care of Bella. Bring her a fucking cup of fucking goddamned bloody tea. Ask her if she wants something to bloody eat. And you're going to go and give her tea to other customers, and tell them to do your. Fucking. Job. Bring it to Bella, because you're too fucking busy? Am I getting all of this? Do I have this right? What the fuck is fucking wrong with you, Tanya? This is the last fucking straw. I let you fucking stay; I gave you bloody chance after bloody chance. Bloody hell! I let you stay after you fucking groped me after I specifically told you I wasn't interested, so you know what Tanya? Get your bloody shit, and your last check will be mailed to you. Don't come back, or I'll have you arrested for trespassing."

The look on her face was as if I had slapped her. I smirked. I was actually glad to be rid of her. She creeped me the fuck out. I held the door open and waited for her to exit. She stared at me stunned for a few moments before she stood up and stormed out. I looked out of the office to see her grab her purse from behind the bar before she left the pub, slamming the door on her way out.

I shook my head and looked over to see Bella sipping her tea and looking around at the different things on the wall. The decorating of the pub is… eclectic. It was mostly shit I'd found, polished up and kept; and the rest was my sister Alice being Alice. Bella held the mug in her hands as she whipped her head around to look at the new things that interested her. I walked over to Garrett at the bar and had him call out two orders of fish and chips and two burgers to go, asking him to bring it to the booth where Bella was when it was done. I then walked over to the beauty that was lighting up my pub.

"How's it going, duck?"

"Quite well. Why is everyone calling me a duck? This tea is really good, by the way."

I laughed at her randomness.

"Duck is a term of endearment in England. And the tea is from England as well and we make it here the English way. Thus, it's far superior to anything you yanks could have cooked up."

I winked at her as I spoke.

"Oh. I thought it was 'cause my last name was Swan."

I laughed at that, having never made the connection myself.

"No, not because of that. Are you hungry? You're looking a little tired."

"It's not too bad. The tea is making me a little sleepy, but nothing too terrible. I'm a little hungry, even though I shouldn't really be. Jasper made stuffed french toast before we came here."

Holy mother, I missed the toast. Mother fucker. Now, Jasper and I would be having words. The bastard knew it was my favorite. I must have looked a little pissed since Bella started back peddling quite quickly.

"I mean, I don't have to eat. I'm not really hungry. I don't want to be any trouble. I mean, you asked, and I was just being honest and-"

"No, no Bella, I wasn't mad at you! I'm mad Jasper made bloody stuffed french fucking toast without me. It's my favorite shit that he makes. Bloody arse knew what he was doing, too."

At that she laughed at me. Full out fucking deep belly laughed at me. If I wasn't so confused, and I admit, a little miffed, I probably would have gotten lost in it.

"Oh, gosh, you're used to getting your way aren't you?"

I smirked at her, remembering her being stubborn when all I wanted to do was help her.

"No," I reply. "No, I don't always get my way, and I don't quite like when I don't."

I slid into the booth with her and leaned back, tucking my arms behind me to cradle my head. I call over one of the waitresses and order us both another cuppa. Bella sat fidgeting with her mug before she looked up at me and then back down at her mug.

"So… you work here?"

"Yeah. I actually own it. Built it from the fucking ground up."

Her head snapped up at that.

"Seriously? This place is amazing! It's just… I don't know. It's homey and comforting, but at the same time it's fun and not boring. And you have kick ass tea." She giggled at the end.

"Thanks. I'm pretty proud of it. Reminds me of home a lot, which is nice. My brother and sister like that as well, so we're all happy we have this piece of home when we're missing what's back over the pond."

"How many years have you been here?"

"I came right after university with Emmett, so about 4 years."

She smiled and kept sipping her tea.

"So you're twenty-six?"

"That is correct, madam."

"So…Why 'Duffy's'?"

I'm just about to answer, but I was interrupted by one of the waitresses, Kate, bringing us the to-go order. I thank her and down the rest of my tea, picking up the bag before scooting out of the booth.

"Where are you going?"

I turn to face Bella and smile, happy about the apparent worry in her voice. Maybe she doesn't want me to leave… I'd be quite fine with that.

"We're going to go back to your place. I've got us some supper and we can just relax, which is what you need to be doing."

She nods and makes to move out of the booth but winces as she hits her ribs against the booth. I put down the bag and help her slid out of the booth and down the step so she's on the floor once again. I grab the bag and her hand and start towing her towards the exit, calling to Garrett to close up for me tonight. I'm walking us outside and going for my car when I feel Bella stop. I look back to see her running her hand through her hair and looking at the ground. She starts messing with her sweater, fidgeting like she's nervous.

"Bella? What's wrong, love?"

She looks up at me through her eyelashes, the same small movement Tanya had tried to make sexy to flirt with me, but on Bella it was both sexy as fuck and so bloody heartbreaking. Her face was so timid, so fearful.

"I um… I was just… I mean… I … I had a bad, bad dream… Edward…and it just… it wasn't a … it reminded me of… the past… and I was wondering…I was… I was thinking maybe… if you didn't… if you don't really mind… if you would stay with me tonight? It's not a problem if you're too busy or if it's too much trouble, but I don't want to be alone and you're being… you're just… and you… please? Just, please?"

Fuck. I seriously wanted to fucking murder whoever made her like this. She just looked… so… _destroyed. _Broken didn't even begin to cover it. A quote popped into my head, "_We are made strong by what we overcome."_ John Burroughs. Christ, that came into my head and I can't help but wonder how much fucking stronger Bella can get. It seems like she's just about ready to shatter she's holding herself so strongly. This woman who was so strong, who stood up to me and proved that she didn't need anyone, was crumbling.

"Not a problem at all, duck. I'd be more than happy to. Tell you what, how 'bout I drop you at your place, and I'll run home, grab some things and meet you back at yours."

The smile she gave me was radiant. It was what I'd wanted to see from her for so long. I'm sure I smiled back at her just as brightly. I'd be spending the night at Bella's. She had _asked _me to. She had _asked _me to help her. With only a few days I felt like we were making serious progress. I was excited at the prospect. I grabbed her hand again and led her to my car, where I helped her into the passenger's side. I drove her back to her place before racing full speed back to my flat. I bust into it like a mad man and look around, eager to get back to Bella as soon as possible. I wanted to talk to her more tonight so I'm going to need supplies. I race into my bedroom and throw on a pair of old sweats and a Manchester United t-shirt. I sprint to the kitchen and grab some sweets and tea before sprinting to the bathroom and grabbing a new bandage to put on Bella so she can wash the other along with my toothbrush and deodorant. I run back into my bedroom and throw it all into a bag before I grab a change of clothes and throw that in too. I grab the book I'm reading and zip up the bag, heading for the door.

I'm back at Bella's flat in less than 15 minutes. It pays to live just one street over from her. Before I know it, I'm standing in front of her door with the bag from Duffy's and my things, waiting for Bella to answer. She opens the door wearing one of those sleep shirts that say 'Pink' on them but look like football jerseys and a pair of sweats. I look at her feet and can't help but laugh. Her slippers are these ridiculous moon boot type things that were kind of… fuzzy? I was still laughing when Bella cleared her throat.

"Mother of God, it's like you grabbed two rabbits and shoved your feet up their arses!"

"Are you here to laugh at my choice of footwear? Because if that's the case then you can just leave."

I stopped laughing but smiled at her.

"Come on now, Bella! Look, I've got food, I brought tea, and I'm here to serve!"

With that I made a deep bow and presented her with the bag of food from Duffy's with a sweeping motion of my arm. She took the bag from me and I stood back up to see her open it up and sneak a chip out. I snatched the bag back and pretended to glower at her as she just smiled right on back. She opened the door wider and I walked in. I walked to her living area and stopped short at the strange sight in front of me.

All around the floor and on her couch were pillows. Pillows of different shapes, sizes, fabrics, colors, more pillows than I've ever seen in my entire life. Some were even shaped like food and there was one that was…a TV? I turned back to ask Bella what this was but the look on her face made me stop. She was looking at the ground and it seemed like her badass demeanor had faded again.

"My, um… my mom, she used to…uh… she'd buy me pillows. For whatever holiday or occasion or whatever. She used to say that having a bunch of pillows can always make you comfy and happy, and she always wanted me to think of her when I looked at them. I kept them all. I have more, in my closet. She stopped giving them to me a few years back when I told her I didn't have room for any more. But…um… when I have a, uh….nightmare…I, umm…bring them out. It helps me to remember her, and it makes me feel…um…better."

I stored this piece of information away for later while I set the bag of food down on the coffee table and flung myself onto her pillow covered couch. One pillow in particular caught my eye.

"Is that a pineapple pillow from Psych?"

At this her head shot up and she looked where I was pointing and laughed.

"Yeah, it was one of the last ones she gave me. She tried giving me smaller ones after I cut her off and that was one of the ones I couldn't say no to. I loved that show and she knew it. Seriously, it became like a challenge for her. She always tried to outdo herself. She'd have themes, like one year it was all food pillows, or she'd just see them and love them. I think I have a pair of handmade pillows that cost like two-hundred dollars or something crazy like that. But that was Renee; she was always a little crazy."

She smiled at the end, and I smiled with her. This was one of the first times she was opening up to me and I wasn't going to waste it.

"Right then! Direct me to your plates and we'll get right to the food then."

I made my way to her kitchen, grabbed the plates from where she told me, and went back to her living room. I dished up the plates with both the fish and chips and the burgers. Not the healthiest meal, but hey, comfort food. It did a world of good. I was just starting to bite my burger when she spoke.

"So…why 'Duffy's'?"

I turned my head to look at her.

"What do you mean by that?"

"The name, I mean. Why 'Duffy's?"

"It was my mother's maiden name."

"Was?"

"Yes, Esme for all intents and purposes is my mother, but technically, biologically she and Carlisle are my aunt and uncle; Emmett and Alice are my cousins. My parents died when I was young, so I went to live with Esme and Carlisle. When it came time to opening the pub, I wanted to do something to honor my mother and Esme. They were sisters, so they share the same maiden name. Plus, Duffy's is the perfect name for a crazy little pub."

I took a big bite of my burger and looked at her. She was staring at me curiously, like she was trying to solve a puzzle of some sort in her head. I quirked my eyebrow at her as I threw some chips in my mouth and smiled. She shook her head and continued to eat.

"What happened to your parents, if you don't mind my asking?"

"They were killed. They were at the wrong place at the wrong time, really."

I sighed, reliving the moments I had with my parents in my mind, reliving the moment they were taken from me. Bella's soft voice broke me out of my memories.

"How did it happen?"

"It was raining, I mean, it was bloody London, but it was really coming down. You couldn't see three yards in front of you with the fog and the way the rain was coming down. They were driving home from their date night. There were married for 11 years and no matter what was going on, they never missed a date night. So the weather wasn't going to stop them. My father had gotten tickets to see the symphony as a surprise for my mother and she couldn't wait. I remember how she got all dressed up, in this beautiful burgundy gown. She was gorgeous. I remember going to sleep thinking about what my mum was going to make for breakfast in the morning; it was a tradition that after date night, my mum would make a big, English breakfast. The next morning I woke up and my Aunt Esme was there. They had called her in Ireland and told her to get there as fast as she could. She got on the next available flight to be with me. She got there, sent the babysitter home and waited for me to wake up while Carlisle was at the hospital. She was the one who told me they were gone. They said there was an accident; that they both died on impact. They had been hit by a truck, this guy who shouldn't have been on the residential roads but had been driving for so long that he didn't care. The truck hit them sideways, hitting the driver's side first and the impact flipped their car. They were pronounced dead on the scene. Five days later my parents whom I had only known for eight years were buried and I was on a plane back to Ireland with my aunt and uncle, who became my parents."

I seemed to be sucked into the memory as I told the story. I didn't notice until I felt Bella's arms wrap around me.

"I'm really sorry you had to go through that Edward."

I pulled her to be and hugged her as tightly as I dared to my body.

"Thank you, Bella. But I had a lot of great family around me and a lot of good things have happened since then. I was angry for a long time, but I'm over it. I miss them, but I have Esme and Carlisle who are great parents to me and more than I deserve. Now eat your bloody fish and chips! You're looking like you're afraid of 'em."

She pulled back and smiled before she dove into her food like it was her last meal. She moaned when she first tasted the fish and chips and I had a feeling I had a new found addict on my hands. We finished our meals and I carried the plates into the kitchen, storing the leftovers before making tea and bringing it to Bella.

"Why does Duffy's look s familiar to me? I've never been there before."

Shit. Shit.

Shit.

She was asking what I was hoping she wouldn't ask.

"Well, ya see duck, the fact of the matter is, you have been there before…"

She looked at me like I was crazy.

"Nooo… I would have remembered being there, Edward, and I would have remembered… I would have remembered seeing you. "

Aw, bloody hell.

"Right, well, you see that's the, uh… Duffy's was where… that's the, er… that's the alley."

"The alley?"

"Yeah, the alley where you…you know…and I was… dealing…with a guy…"

"Oh. OH! Oh…so then…"

I could literally see the wheels turning in her head as she sat there. I knew what she was going to ask me next and I didn't really want to tell her, as it didn't speak very highly of my character.

"So…you were… dealing with a guy? What happened that you had to…deal…with him?"

Shit. Mother fucking shit.

"Bollocks. Ok Listen, I take pride in my pub ok. It's not the nicest joint, alright but it's mine. And there was this bloke who was pissed, er… drunk…whatever you yanks bloody call it, and he started making trouble, looking for a fight, you know? So, I'm tending bar and all of a sudden, this wanker starts throwing my bar stools right into the wall. He just starts trashing the place! And he's laughing! Laughing like it's a bloody joke and like I'm not going to have to pay to fix that shit! Shit's expensive, right? So I was bloody mad. And this barmy duffer was just bloody ripping the place apart. I tried to talk him down but the wanker kept smashing shit! So I took 'im into the alley, right? And I was just gonna ruff 'im up and kick him out. And he came out swinging, shooting off at me and just being bloody daft! So I fucking went off on him and… he was bloody pissed. And then you came round and… well…Bob's your uncle. That's it."

I'd started pacing while I was talking and now I was just standing there, staring at the floor, waiting for her to say something, anything at all. I raised my eyes to look at her and she was just sitting there, with her brow furrowed and she just kept opening and closing her mouth, like she was about to say something but didn't.

"Oh… well…umm… ok, then."

I was shocked. That was it? No screaming at me to get out. No sprinting away from the guy with the bloody anger problems?

"That's it? 'Ok ,then'? You're not going to scream or anything."

She laughed. She bloody laughed.

"No! Honestly, what I was thinking had happened was way worse. I thought you were in the mob or something. This was actually rather anticlimactic."

I laughed at that. "Well, I'm sorry I couldn't be more exciting."

"No," she shook her head. "No, I don't need exciting. Exciting leads to trouble, and more trouble is the last thing I need."

I wanted to ask her what she meant by that, but I didn't think now was the time, but hopefully - hopefully one day this bird would open up to me and tell me what the bloody fuck had hurt her so bad.

The rest of the night was spent eating English boiled sweets and drinking tea while playing a never ending game of twenty questions. I learned that Bella's favorite color changed from day to day, she was addicted to desserts, her favorite flowers were hydrangeas, freesias, sweet pea flowers and roses, she missed her mom more than anything, but never mentioned what happened to her, she was in grad school after fast tracking through undergrad and was in her final year at the age of 24. I learned little shit about her that I stored away for future reference, kinds of foods she liked and didn't like, how she endlessly talked about movies and books, mostly books.

We had fallen asleep on the massive mountain of pillows that she had all over her living room after I draped a blanket over us. I had helped her change the bandage on her ribs and wash her hurt wrist without moving it. And here I was now, drifting in and out of sleep lying next to Bella. She had started out with a large distance in between us, but gradually as she slept she had crept closer and closer to me until she was tucked up into my side. I was blissfully happy right now. I could smell her hair and just…_her_ and God, she smelled good. I was sleeping pretty heavily, dreaming about Bella and me at the beach.

_We were running up and down the shore and she was running into the water. She kept going out farther and farther. Every time I would get close to her, she would go deeper into the water, until she was up to her neck and treading water. I called out to her to come back, but she just shook her head._

"No."

"_Bella, come back! You're going to drown."_

_I tried to swim closer to her to pull her back in; the waves were starting to get rougher._

"No, don't. Please don't."

"_Bella?"_

"Please, don't. I'm sorry. No."

_I swam closer to her, and she swam father away. The waves were crashing into her and pulling her this way and that. I was screaming her name._

"_Bella! Swim back to shore, Bella, you're going to drown! Bella!"_

"I'm sorry! Please, don't! No! I'm sorry!"

_A huge wave was coming up behind her, she turn just in time to see it. She turned back to look at me with huge wide eyes, as she mouthed the word, "Please." The wave was just about to crash over her and she just kept looking at me to save her, but I was helpless. The water just started touching her and dragging her under…_

That was when I woke up.

And then the screaming started.

I looked around and noticed Bella twisted up in the blanket screaming, moving all over the place, looking like she was in anguish.

"Please! God, please! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! Please, don't! PLEASE! Please, I'm sorry. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, Lord save me! Please, somebody help me. Edward… please! "

And she just kept screaming. I grabbed her and held her to my body so she would stop thrashing about. I didn't want her to hurt herself anymore than she already was. I just kept whispering in her ear and rocking her back and forth, praying that she would wake up and leave the hell she was trapped in.

"Shh… Bella, wake up, sweetheart. Wake up, love. Can you open your eyes for me, baby girl? Please, Bella wake up. You're safe, Bella. I won't let anything happen to you. You're safe, beautiful girl. You're safe. Shh… wake up, Bella."

I kept whispering and rocking her until her eyes flew open and she gasped. At first she struggled against me, but I just held her tightly and rocked her, all the while talking to her until she fell against me and just cried. She just cried these huge, heaping sobs that shook her entire body. She looked so helpless.

"I'm so scared, Edward. It hurts so much. I want it to go away. I just want it all to go away."

I held her tighter to me and refused to let her go. This woman who I had seen be sarcastic and witty, who was strong willed and stubborn as a mule, and beautiful and so bloody smart; this woman was trying to keep it all together. She was clinging to the remainder of whatever she had left. She was desperate to stay strong. But she was broken. She was this crumbled mass of tears on my lap. She was so small and fragile and she was clinging to me like I was her lifeline. I couldn't help but remember my dream, and the irony of Bella drowning in what had happened to her, of her drowning in her pain and fear. I didn't want that for her. I didn't want her to have to go through that.

"I know, baby girl. I know. You're safe, Bella. You're safe."

She just held on tighter and cried harder, soaking my shirt with her tears. I'd gladly give it up for the cause, if I could absorb her pain I would.

"Make it go away, Edward. Just make it all go away."

I choked back my own tears. Her voice was just dead, it was broken and void of anything except pain. Those few words, and her crying out for me in her dream, were making it hard for me to keep it together for her. I was not a man that cried, but this was hurting me just as much as it was hurting her. I wanted to fix her. I wanted to be the one that made her smile. I wanted to be the one she ran to when the shit hit the bloody fan. I wanted to fucking destroy whoever did this to her. I knew right then and there, I was going to woo this girl until she was mine and that I would do whatever it took to fix her and keep her with me.

"I will, Bella. I promise I will. Shh… don't cry, sweetheart. Everything's going to be alright. I'll make it go away. Don't cry, love. I'll make it go away."

* * *

**AN: Deep stuff people. Shall we recap? Let's. We have:**

**-Edward's occupation**

**-Edward's past**

**-info about Edward's family  
**

**-a little Tanya drama, will that come back and bite us in the ass? hmmm...**

**-The alley story!**

**-20 questions and some boiled sweets**

**-Edward, the glorious mind and thoughts of Edward**

**-a nightmare from our poor Bella**

**-A vow from Edward.**

-**Duffy's**

**-Edward's dream about Bella.**

**I think I've got it all, no? **

**Are you tingly? I know I am. so lots to talk about chickadees! this is so far the longest chappie! oh yes Word tells me its 21 pages long. I know, i'm shocked. How did we like EPOV? do you want to see more? Let me know. **

**Now my lovely beta, who seriously people, rocks my socks hard, mentioned clarifying the quote which I didn't even think of doing. But again, thanks to musegirl! The quote "good! great! Grand! wonderful! No yelling on the bus!" is from the movie Billy Madison with Adam Sandler if you didn't know. If you haven't seen it, watch it. It's a stupid funny kind of movie, but it's good. **

**I also want to rec a fantastic fic that I lost my weekend to last week: La Canzone della Bella Cigna by philadelphic. serious good stuff. It's such a unique plot and well written story. Check it out my lovlies! At this very second open in Tabs, I have Full Disclosure by Betty Smith and even though it's just a few chapters, I'm thoroughly intriqued and I think you might be too. If you have any good story recs, send them my way. Or, if you want me to reccommend your story I'll read it and review and perhaps post it in my humble author's note. **

**As usual, check out the polyvore! I'm working on chapter 7 as we speak. We're going back to Bella for next chapter. Here's a teaser for you: **

Chapter 7 Teaser- BPOV:

Oh fuck me.

Fuck me sideways twice on a Thursday in winter outside in the snow naked.

I had a nightmare.

And then I cried on Edward.

And he held me.

...

Again I say: Fuck me.

**Alright my wonderful readers! here's the time where you come in, love it, hate it, meh, ...wtf, or anything in between, leave me some. **

**click that button**

**down **

**there **

**V**

**p.s. can I just admit to my own stupidity that I always got mad that I could make an up arrow (^) a left and right arrow (-) (-) but never a down arrow because there was no downwards carrot thing. I then realised, there is a downwards carrot thing. it's called a V and it's in the alphabet. i know guys, i know. my intelligence is just oozing out right now. ;)  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: HELLO HELLO GOOD MORNING! We're back peeps! We've got a whole new chap of Bella spewing thoughts. This chapter is more of a filler chapter, but chapter 8 is in the works and will be here shortly! We meet Alice in this Chapter, we learn more about Bella, and so so much more kids. So I'll meet you down below. Enjoy!**

* * *

**BPOV**

I woke up against something that was oddly harder than my mattress. It wasn't an unpleasant or uncomfortable something, just something foreign. I snuggled in deeper, not yet ready to leave the warmth that was surrounding me, and thought about what I would have to do today. I was going back to work at the book store today, and then I had a meeting with my advisor at school to discuss my dissertation. I thought about what I would make for dinner and what I would do this evening. Hopefully, I could spend a few hours in the library this afternoon to look up some more sources, but I didn't know if I'd have the time or the energy. I groaned, not wanting to leave the warmth I was surrounded in. I again snuggled into what I was laying on, thinking it was my couch or the mound of pillows I had brought out. I made a squeaking grunt like noise while I moved, to show the world my displeasure at being awake. Then I heard a chuckle. It was a heavenly sound. It reminded me of Ed… Oh, shit…

The events of last night came flooding back to me. Hearing Edward's story, eating fish and chips, except the chips were actually french fries, but I digress, eating British candy, playing twenty questions for hours, falling asleep…

Oh, fuck me.

Fuck me sideways twice on a Thursday in winter outside in the snow naked.

I had a nightmare.

And then I cried on Edward.

And he held me.

I must have looked so weak. Oh shit. This was just perfect. This was exactly what I needed. Great, this was just more ammunition for him to use, and I know people, I _know_ people, they will take your weak moments and use them against you. No one had ever seen me after a nightmare, and now it had happened twice in two days.

Again, I say: Fuck. Me.

At least he wasn't here now…was he? I snuggled again into my sleeping spot, trying to be incognito and hidden, and cracked an eye open before looking around discreetly. I didn't see him anywhere and sighed in relief at avoiding that awkward situation.

"Look down."

I shrieked and jerked my head up and low and behold, I was sleeping on Edward Cullen.

Fuck me. Whore me out and fuck me twice on Sundays.

"That doesn't sound very appealing to me; I'm not one to share."

Thank you, mouth/brain filter for being so loyal to me, especially in my time of need.

"Coffee. Too many things to think about without coffee."

He chuckled again beneath me. Why hadn't I moved yet? I mentally assessed my location and the reason I had replaced my head on my Bedward. Oh dear Lord above, I knew where I was. I was in The Nook. That's correct ladies and gentlemen of the peanut gallery, I have moved on from the simple snuggle, rocketed past the cuddle and taken up residence in The Nook. That space between his shoulder and where it's like in his armpit but not, you know? It's like you squeeze yourself into the nook and shove your face in his neck and his head goes on yours and it's perfectly awwww moment-ly. That was my current situation, except I was also on top of him. This was big. I never nooked, and here I was, nooking like it was an Olympic sport and I was a whore for the gold.

And yet, I still hadn't moved. Why hadn't I moved? 'Cause I've thought about moving, and here I am, nooking. This nook is hypnotic. It's like Christmas and chocolate and orgasms and Ben and Jerry's and Jasper's stuffed french toast all rolled into one. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I was cussing and I was nooking and this day was not starting out well.

ABORT DAMMIT! ABORT!

I groaned again and finally removed myself from The Nook, mentally waving goodbye to it.

"Mmm… good morning." I was trying to be polite and avoid the awkwardness that was me nooking him in my sleep.

I was not fully awake and not fully coherent. I tried in the least awkward way possible to dislodge myself from on top of Edward. I managed to do some sort of tuck and roll to the side, landing on my back next to him, the pillows on the floor keeping me from the embarrassment of smashing my head on the floor.

_Thank you pillows, you've supported me when my mouth to brain filter has failed. _

I was insane. I needed a coffee drip, stat. I groaned once more before getting up and staggering my way into the kitchen. I would avoid anything that would bring attention back to the nook situation. The Nook would not be mentioned. I started the coffee pot and leaned my hands against the counter and hung my head down in between them. I was feeling things now that would only cause me pain later and I needed to stop that immediately. I knew what it was like to be left. I knew what it was like to be hurt. I knew what it was like to leave to save yourself. I was not willing to repeat any of those experiences ever again. I _would not_ repeat those experiences. Never again.

I wouldn't go back to that place from which I've come.

I sighed, because it really was too early to be thinking of this. It was too early to be reliving my heartbreak. But there never really was a good time to think of it, which is why I never did. I shook my head and looked up; pushing off of the counter to see The Nook and all that was connected to it leaning against the kitchen entryway.

"Good morning, love. Fancy a day with me?"

The Nook was trying to kill me. It was calling to me and inviting me to a whole day of nooking opportunities. I thanked God above that I actually had a rather busy schedule today. Speaking of that, I really needed to get ready to go do all of that. The Nook would not be taking over my day.

"Actually, I have a lot to do today. I'm going back to work today, then I have a meeting with my advisor at 5 and I really want to try to get to the library to look into some more primary sources for my thesis. I should also probably hit the grocery store and I know I have laundry that needs to be done and… oh…"

I stopped talking when I saw the furious look on Edward's face. He… he wasn't mad I couldn't spend time with him, was he? I mean, I had to work; it wasn't something that I could help. I needed the money. I needed to meet with my advisor. All of this was important to me and my life and I… shit. What if he… He wouldn't hurt me. Edward wouldn't hurt me.

"You're going to _work_ all day, and then you're going to go to the library and carry around heavy books, and then meet with your advisor?"

Wasn't that what I had just told him? He was beginning to scare me a little. Memories were pushing through the crowd of thoughts in my mind, rushing to get to the front, struggling to be seen and felt and heard.

"Edward… are you…"

His eyes were clasped shut and his jaw was clenched tightly.

"Bella. I told you that you have to take it easy if you want to get better. Lifting heavy books and… where the hell do you work anyway?"

I looked at my feet, stuck in the corner of the kitchen, up against the counters. I didn't know why he was so angry. It just didn't make sense.

"I work in a... um… a book store… over on Pine."

"A book store. A bloody book store." His eyes snapped open to look at me and the anger I saw in them made me flinch and cower against the counters. I was acting so weak, but I was frightened. I looked around me to see if there was anything I could get a good grip on to use as a weapon if need be, my eyes resting on the frying pan I'd left out on the counter. I looked back at Edward to see his eyes softening.

"Listen, duck, you working in a book store, carrying books, going up on ladders, walking around the whole time, it's not good for ya. Just yesterday you basically slept the whole day and you were quite tired after just being out of the house for an hour or so. I really think you should take it easy. I don't want you getting so tired that you just pass out on me."

Shit. He was right about that. I needed _some_ hours today at the book store, so that was still a must. I couldn't believe that I was going to compromise with this man. Here he was, no more than 20 seconds ago scaring the life out of me and now he's trying to negotiate more time for me to rest. My reactions and emotions towards him were all over the chart and I needed to get a handle on them fast.

"Ok. Listen, I need to clock some hours at the store. First of all, because if I don't I might lose my job. Second, because I need the money, however small the amount may be. I'll talk to my boss and see if I can duck out early. Then I'll skip the library for today, come back and nap or rest or eat or whatever, and then I'll meet with my advisor. While I'm there I'll ask for a _short_ leave of absence due to my injuries. I was going to ask for some time off anyway, but I want my advisor to look over what I have already so that I can keep working on it while I'm taking the break. Alright? So it's…"

I looked at the clock on the microwave and was surprised to see it was 8:00 a.m.

"…8 a.m. I need coffee, then shower, dress and get my things together and then go. I'm sorry to be pushing you out so…"

"Oh, no. I'm going with you today."

I stood there stunned. Here I was telling him that he could leave and he _tells _me that he's coming with me today? To my work, to my advisor meeting? I don't think so.

"Um… no. I don't think so. You can't come to work with me and you most definitely can't come to my advisor meeting. If you want you can give me your number and I'll text you or something when I'm done with work and you can mee…"

"No. I'm coming to work with you. I'll drive you there and drive you back when you're tired and want to rest. I'll help you out here and drive you to your advisor's meeting. But I'm going to work with you. You can't carry anything heavy, you can't walk all over the place looking for books so I'm going to go and help you. When you go to your advisor's meeting I'll carry your shit and then wait for you to be done."

"My meeting could take over an hour, you know that, right?"

"I'll find something to do. You've got plenty of books here; I can always just take one with me and read it while I wait. I'm not backing down on this. You really don't have a choice. We can do this the easy way or the hard way."

I couldn't believe this. I didn't even want to know what the hard way was because I was pretty sure it would just make me angry. I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest, ignoring the dull ache in my ribs.

"Fine. I'm going to go and get dressed. Then I'll make some breakfast and we'll go. I need to be at the store by ten, ok? Do you need to stop at your apartment to get anything?"

"Nope. I've got a change of clothes."

I rolled my eyes at his obvious enthusiasm towards my acceptance of his terms. I was still pretty annoyed. I wanted to be this independent person who didn't need to rely on anyone. That's who I've worked hard all these years to become and this man, this stupid beautiful, irritating man, was breaking down all my walls and barriers and I was nearly helpless to stop him. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to get in too deep with this. He was just helping me until I was better. It would just be for a few weeks. Had it only been a few days so far? This whole thing might kill me.

I walked past him as I made my way to my bedroom. I was about to take off my pajamas when I heard him knocking on my door. I turned and opened the door to see him standing there with a metal chair and something like a sponge on a really big stick.

"Here. With the ribs broken, taking a shower can be a huge pain in the ass. So with the chair you don't have to get tired from standing there for so long and with this….bloody…thing you can reach places without twisting all over the place and hurting your ribs. Umm…my sister, Alice, bought it for you. Said it was God's gift to man or something."

I had to laugh at that. And I really had to laugh at the sight in front of me, this big badass British pub owner standing there with a loofah on a stick. It was even pink. I found that hysterical, my ribs, however, did not. I moved to take what Edward had brought, but he just brushed past me and walked into my bathroom, setting up the chair in my small shower and leaning the brush against it. He smirked at me as he walked out.

"Have fun. Call me if you can't reach anywhere."

With that he winked at me and left.

What the fuck?

I shook my head at the odd man that just left my room and gathered my outfit for the day. I wanted to wear something that would make it so I wouldn't have to change clothes before my meeting. I grabbed a pair of dark skinny jeans, a white blouse, and a boyfriend-style blazer to put on top.

I showered using the "God's gift to man" brush thing and it was actually really handy. I had to sit down a few times because my legs still didn't feel very strong. My headache was a dull throb I barely noticed and my cold was at its end, which was nice. The steam from the shower helped to clear my congestion up and made me feel a whole lot better.

I got out and got dressed. I wrapped a towel around my head and moved into my room, grabbing some make-up things, telling myself that I wanted to look good for my advisor meeting, that I wanted to look professional. But a little voice inside my head tells me to shut the fuck up and accept the truth. My emotions are everywhere, and if I weren't on the pill and knew I hadn't had sex, I would have thought I was preggo. Thank God for small favors at least.

I walked back into the bathroom and spread out what I would need. I set up my tools in a little line, convincing myself that this was just to make me feel good, just to give me confidence. I pulled a little purple bottle out of the line, the one that promised to dry in 60 seconds. I opened it and painted the color on my nails, satisfied with the results. Being careful so as to not ruin my nails, I opened the little circle of eye shadow and brushed it on, a mixture of pink and brown, then pinched my lashes with the eyelash curler before brushing on some black mascara. I looked at the results, not too much, just enough to enhance and bring focus to my eyes. I grabbed my trusty red lipstick that I wore yesterday and glided it across my lips, pressing them together and puckering them to make sure it was even. I checked my nails, and once I was sure they were dry, removed the towel from my hair and finished drying it with my hair dryer so that it fell in waves down my back. I walked out to my room and pulled on the hat I wore yesterday as well as one of my favorite pair of heels, an expensive Betsy Johnson pair of black and white pumps Renee had given me.

I looked in the full-length mirror, then walked to my jewelry box and pulled on a multiple strand necklace with a few pink flowers attached to it. Perfect. Professional, fun, safe. I would make a good impression.

It was who I was impressing that I was lying to myself about. I was wearing heels, with the snow and the ice and all that jazz lying just outside my door and I was going to brave it all… in heels. This should have shown me already that I was in way too deep. But I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and exited my room, head high, pleased with how I looked.

Edward was dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt and he was cursing at what seemed to be a pan of… something that shouldn't be that black…

"Ummm…"

As soon as the sound that attested to my awkwardness left my mouth, Edward swung around and looked me up and down, from the bottom of my power heels to the top of my hat. He smirked at what he saw before whatever he was murdering in the pan popped and crackled, making him jump and curse again.

"Bloody fucking eggs and bacon. Fucking Americans and their weird fucking food. Fucking weird bloody pan."

With that he turned off the stove and threw the pan forcefully in the sink, making me jump.

"Right then. Umm... your pan is an asshole and lied to me. It is not nonstick and I don't know what the fuck happened. But I think it committed suicide."

"I don't think it committed suicide; I think you murdered it in cold blood. Were you cooking eggs and bacon in the same pan?" I laughed.

He looked down sheepishly, "Well…yeah. I figured it'd make less to clean up and breakfast is not my forte. I can make fish and chips and burgers and pub food. Bloody breakfast is the bane of my fucking existence. I'll get you a new pan, one that's not a selfish arsehole."

I laughed again and looked at the clock; I had about an hour to get to the bookstore. I nodded to myself before going and gathering what I needed. I grabbed my satchel and placed my purse items in it, phone keys, wallet, hand cream, stupid things I knew I needed and wouldn't be without, then I put in some books I was using as sources for my thesis and some homework for a few of my classes. I figured I could get some work done during the downtime at the store, also hoping I'd have the energy to head to the library. I grabbed my portfolio, another gift from Renee, which held my notes for my thesis. As a final thought I threw in my reading glasses, thankful that I wouldn't forget them.

I placed all this by the door and then turned to grab a cup of coffee. I added my insane amounts of cream and sugar and then made to start making breakfast again. Trying to find another pan to use.

"Don't bother. Let's go, we'll stop by the diner before you need to get to work. Jazz will be working so we'll get some great bloody food."

I nodded and finished my coffee, figuring I'd pick my battles and just not argue with that one. I grabbed my coat and handed Edward his. Then I moved to exit the apartment and grab my stuff, when a flash of white snapped them away from me. I turned to see Edward giving me a triumphant smirk as he swung open the door and bowed sarcastically, waiting for me to pass.

So I flipped him off and walked away from him. I waited at the stairs as he closed my door with the extra key that he seemed so fond of using and handing out to strangers without my knowledge. I would be asking for that back, and we would be having a long conversation about privacy, common courtesy, and possibly petty larceny.

Edward walked over and pulled a beanie hat out of his back pocket and shoved it over his crazy sexed-up hair. I wonder for a moment, as we walk down the stairs, if his hair has had sex and that's why it's all sexed up and crazy? Or maybe his hair just whacks off a lot? Can hair whack off? What if his hair is a girl? So many questions…

I shake my head and laugh at myself because seriously, I should not be allowed in public.

Edward smiles at me and lifts his eyebrow, questioning my laugh, but I just smile back and shake my head. Sometimes the inside of my mind is a scary place.

"Edward, I swear on the Dahli Llama, Ben and Jerry's, and all things peaceful in this world, that if you do not let me get out of this chair in the next six seconds I will find the biggest book in this place and I will shove it so far up your ass that it will hit your brain and you'll go into a coma and they'll have to do invasive surgery to yank that sucker out of your cranium."

This was not a good fucking idea. We had fun at the diner with Jasper running around and yelling at us from across the room, engaging us in conversation while he was helping other people. We had a great breakfast and Edward and Jasper made me laugh harder than I have in such a long time.

And then we got to the store. He spoke to my boss, Angela, who upon hearing the real events that led to my calling out, demanded I go home on paid vacation. To say I threw a shit fit would be putting it lightly. I demanded that it was my right to be there and work and that I wasn't using my vacation hours like that.

They finally relented and let me stay. But they put me in a chair, in front of the cash register and would not let me move. Numbers and I, we are not friends. I can make change and ring things up no problem, but I can only take so much of it. I revel in the act of hunting for that just right book someone is looking for. That obscure volume of Greek literature I have to hunt down in the store, and then hunt down on the computer to order when I can't find it. I live for the customer that asks me to recommend something good and listens to me babble on while they follow behind me as I stack books in their arms.

But _no_, I was too fragile for that. Any books that needed to be unpacked, Edward carried them over and began to unpack them while I yelled instructions at him. Any customer that needed help, Angela took care of, not even letting me look something up on the computer. And here I was, seated at the register. Not even standing, just sitting in a chair, with a fucking pillow on it like I was some kind of fucking invalid.

Edward was obviously shocked at my words and my attitude so I just gave him a sickly sweet smile and cocked my head to the side, silently daring him to push me.

"Right then… ummm… I suppose you could use a walk around then."

Thank fucking God. I hopped down from the chair and began to walk around the aisles, checking some of the books Edward put away, making sure they were according to the system I had set up and glancing at some of the new titles; thinking about using my discount to buy some of them for all my newly acquired down time. I paused when I came to a beautiful copy of a book I haven't seen in years, a book that pushed more and more memories to the front of my mind. Peter Pan.

My mother's favorite book.

I brushed my hand along the cover and opened it to the first page. She always got lost in this world, always loved the idea of never having to grow up, of a keeping that innocence, of good always defeating evil. She told me it was the magic, the simple, loving magic that was in the innocence of children that made her love it. The kind of innocence I never got to have.

I stroked the book reverently, tears welling in my eyes as I tried so hard not to remember. I tried so hard to just stay in the present and not get lost inside my own damn mind. I felt a hand on my arm but I wasn't pulled through.

"Bella?"

His soft smooth voice broke me. It broke past my walls and past my inner turmoil and stroked my heart reverently, much like I stroked the book in my hands.

"It was her favorite book…"

He placed both his hands on either side of my face and looked into my eyes, helping me to stay in the present.

"Who's? Who's favorite book, love?"

Yes, keep talking. I'll get away from the pain. The pain will go away if you just keep talking.

"My mom's. She loved this book. The way innocence makes everything magic, the way growing up is seen as a sin. The loss of innocence meaning the loss of magic. She loved it. The whole thing. She told me, never to lose my innocence, to never lose the magic. But I never had it…"

I trailed off as I shook my head, trying to dispel my thoughts. I was letting him in and it wasn't a good idea. I looked up into his eyes and saw so many things, concern, fear, and that something that I just couldn't name.

"Bella, what happened to your mum, duck?"

I closed my eyes against the pain that would undoubtedly come once the words left my mouth.

"She died. There was a car accident. And she died."

"I'm sorry to hear that, doll."

"Me too."

I turned my body moved back toward my chair, suddenly tired. I still had the book in my hand and I knew that I would be taking it home with me. I sat down and stared blankly at the register. Edward leaned in front of me against the counter watching me with worried eyes as I rang myself up, not bothering with my discount. I wanted to pay the full amount for this, as a small token to my mother and one of her great loves in life.

"Bella, are you an only child?"

I snapped my head up and my brow furrowed in confusion. That was a random question.

"Yes. I am. My parents divorced when I was young and my mother couldn't have children after me."

"Oh. Do you have a large extended family then?"

Why was he suddenly so interested in my family? The last thing I wanted to be thinking about was my family, or lack thereof.

"No. No, I do not. My mother was an only child and her parents died while I was very young. And my father… I don't… I don't see my father or his side of the family. We're not in contact with each other."

Please don't ask the question, please don't ask the question, please God, don't let him ask…

"You don't speak to your father? Why's that?"

Fuck you, world.

I sighed because this was bringing forth the bad memories. It's times like these that I wish I had agreed to take anti-anxiety medication, but I knew that I would never do something like that. It was too close to what I despised most in this world.

"My father and I… we didn't…he was…is… I just…we had…"

There were so many ways to phrase the bullshit and I just couldn't think of a safe way to do it. I couldn't think of a way that would make it so he would stop asking questions and I would be able to stop fighting the memories. I sighed again.

"My father and I…we didn't agree….on…certain…crucial things…and we had a ummm…a…falling out, if you will. I haven't uh… seen or spoken to him in 8 years. The same with the rest of his family. And they don't make any effort to contact me so you know… and umm…"

"What are you doing for Christmas?"

My head was spinning with this kind of questioning. I didn't know what he was trying to do or where he was going with this.

"Ummm… I don't really know."

The holiday was about a week and a half away. I knew what I would be doing. It was the same thing I had been doing every year for the longest time, since I didn't even want to think when. I would be spending the day sitting at home, eating as many different kinds of dessert as I could think to make and watching Christmas movies on television until I passed out. I would buy one present for myself and then the next day I would treat myself to a nice dinner at a restaurant. And the shoes. I always got the shoes, just like she always did for me.

But of course, I would never tell Edward this. He seemed like the type that believed in Christmas miracles. He seemed like the type that had the innocence and magic my mom always described when she was talking about Peter Pan. He would want his whole family together for a big meal with matching sweaters, singing carols, and opening presents under a big beautiful tree while it snows outside. I didn't want to bring him down with my solo mission Christmas celebration. I also didn't want him to pity me or think less of me. I was fine with the way things were. I always have been and I always will be. I don't need Nookward coming in here and shaking everything up.

His eyes gleamed with something akin to hope, which was enough to make me weary.

"Well, if you don't have plans, my mother would really love it if you would join our family for Christmas. It's quite amusing, a mix of Irish, English and American traditions and what not. Rather loud, lots of bloody food, and some good times. What do you say?"

He was the sweetest man in the entire world. I wanted to run in the other direction as fast as I possibly could. There was no way that this could ever have anything resembling a happy ending. My baggage alone was enough to send him running for the high hills, and if he ever found out about it, he'd never look at me the same way ever again. I was too attached and there was no way I was spending Christmas with this wonderful man and his wonderful family, only to be reminded of what I did not, would never, have.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but I umm…I might be…volunteering! On Christmas. At… the homeless shelter! Reading! And…handing out food and stuff. But I'll see what I can do. About that. You know."

That had to be the shittiest lie in the history of all lies. Thankfully, I was saved from whatever Edward was about to say by the bell chiming over the door, signaling a customer. In walked a dainty little woman, shorter than me, with a beautiful white wool coat on with grey boots and a tote bag with a picture of a stack of magazines on it. She had dark hair cropped short, and the only way to describe her would be to say that she looked like a fairy.

"By the Book has to be one of the most clever book store names I've ever encountered. Is that a subtle reference to Romeo and Juliet?"

This little fairy with her familiar accent had hit the nail right on the head.

"Yes, it is actually. From the line "You kiss by the book." We thought it would be a funny thing to do, plus it's like saying "Buy the book." Can I help you find anything?"

She laughed and almost…danced? Up to the counter where she placed her bag on the counter and leaned toward me.

"Yes. You most certainly can. I'm looking for one Bella Swan."

Shock was evident on my face. I turned to see Edward smirking at this little woman, and I wondered if they knew each other. I know that not everyone with an accent knows the other person, but maybe they did.

"Um… well, that's me. I'm sorry, but do I know you?"

The short woman squealed and jumped over the counter to hug me and kiss both my cheeks.

"Oh, Bella we're going to be just grand friends you and I, I can already tell! I can't wait to get to know you and spend time with you! Edward has said so many good things about you, and I can't _believe_ you told him off, I mean no one really ever says _no_ to Edwa…"

Edward laughed as he slung his arm around the blabbering pixie. I was in shock all of that was coming out of her in one breath before Edward cut her off.

"Alright, Ali, calm down, ok, love? Geez, you'll scare the bloody hell out of her. Bella, this is my sister Alice, who so excitedly forgot to introduce herself. "

Oh. OOOOOOOHHHHH. This was the sister that wasn't the sister but was a cousin, but _really _was his sister,sort of.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Alice. If you don't mind my asking, how do you know where I work?"

"Oh that's easy. See, Edward was always talking about you and he wouldn't share, the mean one." At this she slapped Edward in the shoulder before turning around to face me again.

"Anyway, I talked to Jazz today and he said he saw you at the diner before you went to work so I asked where you worked and as it turns out, it just so happens to be the book store one street over and down a couple blocks from Duffy's! So of course I had to come by and meet you myself, because if we left it up to Edward, I'd have met you when you were old and grey."

She smiled when she was done, obviously proud of herself.

"I was just talking to Bella about her plans for Christmas, she doesn't have any family around and I didn't want her to spend it alone."

Traitor. Sex haired traitor! He was throwing me to the wolves! He knew my lie was bullshit and now he was calling in the big guns. I could tell that this girl most always got what she wanted one way or another.

True to form Alice was shocked and looked at me with a heartbreaking, devastatingly sad look on her face.

"Oh, Bella, dear. You simply must join us for Christmas, it's no trouble at all, and we'd love to have you. Oh, please say you'll come? It will give me someone new to talk to and enjoy. Please?"

Oh shit. What had I told Edward I was going to do? Crap. Focus, Bella. Stand tall. You've got this. Don't worry; the fairy will not defeat you.

I cleared my throat before continuing.

"Actually, um… I was just telling Edward that I was planning on volunteering…at a umm… homeless shelter…"

Alice's face went from heartbreaking to disbelieving in seconds as I trailed off on the last word, letting it hang in the air between us.

"Oh no, no, no my dear, that won't do at _all. _You'll just have to change your plans then. I won't take no for an answer."

Ok, I don't know what was up with Edward's family, but if I wanted to hang out with some homeless people on a holiday then damn it I was going to do it. I was opening my mouth to make a comeback that would be rude and probably heartbreaking to Alice, when Edward cut me off.

"It's ok, Ali, if Bella planned on volunteering then she'll be volunteering. It's a very honorable way to spend the holiday."

And now I feel like an asshole, because I wouldn't actually be volunteering, which made me a heartless, lying asshat.

Alice's face fell in defeat for a second before it brightened again almost as quickly.

"That's fine then. But won't you come with me tomorrow when I go Christmas shopping? I'm really hoping to get a lot done and I'd love the company. Rose, Emmett's wife, is busy and can't come with me and I'd hate to go alone. Please say you'll come?"

I hated shopping, and who the hell would I be Christmas shopping for anyway? Myself? That alone was embarrassing enough to make me say no. But the look she was giving me and the excitement she spewed was contagious, and I found myself agreeing.

"Sure thing, Alice. I'd love to come. Call me with the details and I'll meet you there."

We exchanged numbers and Alice insisted on picking me up. She gave her brother and me both a hug and danced her way back out of the store. I was exhausted at this point and I think Edward could tell. I lifted my bleary eyes up at him and he chuckled, before grabbing my things up and going to tell Angela we were leaving. She came out from the back room and gave me a hug, telling me to call her about my hours.

I lowered myself into the leather seats of Edward's car and felt myself falling asleep so quickly. I struggled to stay awake, not wanting to be rude, but my brain had experienced so many emotions in such a short amount of time that it was having trouble keeping up without taking a break. I heard Edward's door close and felt him pull my seatbelt across me and click it into place. I felt his lips on my forehead as he whispered to me.

"Sleep now, beautiful girl."

I smiled at his words and tried to think of something to say that would make sense to him, something that would make him understand what my life was like, what I was doing. But I was so tired that nothing made sense, and I wasn't sure that when I uttered the words if it was a dream or if it was reality.

"I don't want to be alone anymore, Edward."

* * *

**AN: Ok ladies and possibly gents, what do you think? Good? Bad? What the hell was that? Who died? Let me know!**

**Let's recap once again:**

**-We've learned more about Bella and how she reacts to certain things. Angry people= a no go for her.**

**-Nookward. We've all met the glory that is Nookward and his lovely existance. Nookward will be back people, and he will be back often and in large quantities.**

**-Bella works at a book store.**

**-Bella does not like sitting around**

**-We learned how Bella's mother died and that she doesn't talk to her father.**

**-We have fake Christmas plans**

**-We have Alice**

**-And we have a confession from Bella that will be explained more in the next Chapter, which will be in BPOV.**

**So? What do you all think? Are we loving it so far? hmmm? **

**A huge, grand, and loving thank you to my awesome beta, Musegirl, without whom my commas would be missing, it would be if and random words would be in sentences to create nonsense. E-mailing with her is kinda hysterical, and I'm one of those lucky writers who's beta understand the bullshit I spew without thinking. ;)**

**Alright kids, the polyvore is updated, all of the links are on my profile, enjoy this chap and the next will be on your doorstep soooooon!**

**Now, click that button down there and leave me some love. :D**

**~*~Mo~*~  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Hey guys and gals! Sorry for the wait on Chapter 8! (that rhymes.) but I had a bit of a writer's block and couldn't think of a way to make this PERFECT but I think i did pretty ok with this. It's not as many words as the last chap, but it's important to the story. (i think) ok. i'll meet you down below.**

* * *

My mother always told me to create something beautiful in this world. She told me to make light where there was darkness. My mother, my beautiful, loving mother, she told me to guide people who didn't know how to follow but who couldn't lead themselves. She asked me to make something beautiful. She told me she would always be proud of whatever I did in this world as long as it was beautiful, as long as it made me happy. She told me if it made me happy, it would make me beautiful, it would make me light.

When I was younger, I didn't know what she meant. Make something beautiful? How could I do that? Sometimes I still don't understand some of the things she said, but I listened, and I remember, and I try to understand. I try to make her proud. When I was younger, I thought making something beautiful meant something like painting a picture. So I painted. I painted until I ran out of paint and paper. One day, my mother told me that my laugh was beautiful; so I laughed. I laughed until I cried and until I could barely breathe. I sent my beauty out into the world as best I could as a child. I laughed for my mother, so that she could have beauty in her world. I danced and I laughed and I looked for beauty, I saw beauty, and I made my mother see it, too.

Until one day, before the sun had set and the Earth could finish its twirl, it all changed. The beauty was gone. I couldn't find it anymore. I couldn't laugh. I couldn't smile. I could barely breathe. And then she was gone. There was no one left to show the beauty to. There was no one to show the beauty to me. There was no one to pull me from the darkness when I didn't know how to follow and I couldn't lead myself. I didn't have someone to laugh for me or dance or paint pictures. That was the day I became alone. That was the way I stayed. That is how I am now. I miss the beauty I used to see. I miss the dreams of making something beautiful, of my mother looking on proudly, smiling forever more, because I created beauty, really and truly. Most of all, I missed the laughter.

But where I was supposed to bring light? The darkness surrounded me and wouldn't let me go; it consumed me. Where I was supposed to lead, I myself became lost. Where I was supposed to see beauty, I was blind. Where I was supposed to create, I was paralyzed. I began to float, running from the pain, hiding in the empty, safe darkness.

Because my mother also said that there was beauty in pain. The act of surviving pain in itself is beautiful to the extreme. But to survive the pain means to feel it, to embrace it, accept it, denounce it and be done with it. To survive means to not be afraid, and I was afraid. I would always be afraid. Scars are beautiful mile markers that show how far you've come; scars are a testament to surviving, so they are beautiful. There can be no beauty without pain, my mother told me, because without the pain, we can't appreciate and understand the beauty. That which can't survive isn't beautiful. To give up is darkness, to fight is light.

I am not surviving. I am afraid of the pain. I am numb. The beauty has run from me and my scars are nothing like what my mother described. My scars are disgusting testaments to the horrors I've lived. The stories I will carry on my body until my time is over, and the world lets me go.

I told Edward that I didn't want to be alone, and in telling him that, I guess in a way I was telling him that I wanted to see the beauty. In a way, you could say that I was asking _him _to help me see the beauty. Maybe someday I would see it again, when all of this pain went away.

I lay in my bed that night thinking about the day I'd just had. Edward, true to his word, didn't leave my side. He carried me from his car to my bed while I slept and then woke me up just before my advisor's meeting. Afterward, he made me dinner and watched movies with me and when I fell asleep, he carried me back to my bed again.

And now here I am at ten o'clock at night awake, thinking.

This time Edward taped the note to my face in a humorous attempt to avoid what had happened last time he left and I woke up alone with new people. His sister would be picking me up tomorrow to take me shopping.

Christmas shopping.

Who did I have to Christmas shop for? Myself? I mean, that can only last so long. I find one thing, buy it, then get the shoes and am done with it. Usually I donate money for kids in foster homes and orphanages to get Christmas gifts, but that was really the extent of it. It was embarrassing to think that Alice would discover I had no one to shop for. I could tell her that I had already finished all of my shopping, but I didn't really want to lie to her, and I felt like she could smell bullshit a mile away. I could buy Edward a Christmas present, as a thank you type of thing. That's a good idea. Buy Edward a Christmas present.

And if I bought Edward a Christmas present, I should buy one for Emmett and Jasper, since I did scare them pretty bad…

I found myself a half hour later face to face with a list of people to buy Christmas gifts and noticed a whole new problem.

My entire list, minus the gifts for myself, was comprised of the names of the Cullen family and gift ideas for each one.

I had even included Esme and Carlisle, since they had also helped me in the short while I'd know their family, even though I'd never met them face to face. I had ideas scratched out and circled for each person. I added Emmett's wife to the list as well, since getting a gift for all of the Cullens and excluding her would be rude.

Would getting them Christmas gifts be getting in too deep? How far past polite gratitude was I going? It was all a big confusing mess that went around and around in my mind until I couldn't take it anymore. I tugged on my hair and whimpered, so damn lost in my own emotions. When did protecting myself get this hard? When did trying to keep myself safe become an endless conflict?

I woke up the next morning to my notepad stuck to my forehead and my cell phone ringing. I let it go to voicemail, not wanting to deal with the world just yet. I groaned and rolled to my side, noticing it was about ten in the morning. My phone chimed with a new voice mail, and then quickly followed with a buzz indicating a new text. I pulled myself up enough to grab my phone and saw an unknown number had called me as I checked the voicemail.

***** **Hey, Bella! It's me, Alice! ****I hope you don't mind, but I got your number from Edward. Listen, I'm heading to your place now so I should be there in about a half hour. Don't worry about eating; I've got food from the Diner. You might want to wear flats, since I have a bit to do today. Thanks so much for saying you'd come with me! I really hate shopping alone, but Rose was busy and Esme can't really keep up and getting Jasper to come is like pulling teeth plus he's got the diner, at least that's his excuse. So I was thinking that we could-***

I laughed as the machine cut off her rant. I climbed out of bed and got dressed. Following instructions, I pulled out a pair of silver, studded flats. I picked up a pair of leggings and long knit sweater that went past my ass. I grabbed a necklace and threw that on too, to make it look like I tried. I grabbed my list and checked my phone to see the text I had gotten.

**Edward:**

**Good morning, duck! Let me know if you need saving from the pixie **

**today. I'll be by your flat at about 6 tonight and I'll bring supper.**

**Any requests, Love? **

**-E**

Oh, Lord. A man who did not abbreviate in stupid text slang. That text had punctuation, vowels, and damn it all to hell he called me love again. And something about how he called me duck made me feel tingly inside. It was a weird term of endearment, but for some reason it sat well with me. I figured I'd text him later about food and I was just throwing my phone and list in my purse when I heard a knock at my door. I opened it to find Alice, dressed in a long, flowing shirt and leggings, with fire engine red pumps on and a sequin covered beanie style silver hat. She looked fantastic. She had a silver clutch purse in one hand and a white wax bag in another with a drink carrier of coffee.

"Good morning, Bella! I hope you got my message! Why don't we have a quick breakfast before we head out? I've got Jasper's bagels. He says you're to give him a full report when we're done."

I laughed at her excitement as she bounced inside my apartment and quickly kissed my cheek hello before setting her supplies on the counter.

"Hey, Alice. It's nice to see you again. Make yourself at home."

My last statement wasn't needed since Alice did just that on her own without anyone telling her. She had set up a whole bagel station.

"Now, Jazz also sent his homemade cream cheeses, so you have to try some of those too. We have... raspberry, plain, chives, and umm… well… I don't really know what this one is, but it smells… unfortunate. Yeah, we're skipping that one." She proceeded to toss the offending cream cheese into the bin and motioned for me to pick. I remembered my bagel of choice back in Jersey: an everything with plain, and some days, raspberry cream cheese. I looked at the spread of bagels and found my long lost friend, made it up with half raspberry and half plain cream cheese and took a big bite while Alice set hers up.

The big bite might have been a mistake.

Especially since I may have moaned inappropriately right afterward.

"I swear to God, Alice, you don't even know how good these bagels are. You tell Jazz I will _gladly_ taste test for him."

Alice laughed, a sound that seemed musical, and smiled at me before going back to her breakfast.

"I know, right? It's great. Those Cullen boys know their food. Edward might suck at some things in the kitchen, but he damned well knows good pub food." She winked at me as she said this and I couldn't help but blush. We finished our breakfast and headed out for the day, chatting about this and that. We pulled up to a large mall, and Alice seemed to have a glint in her eye, something that seemed foreboding to me. I felt as though I was in for a big surprise.

Shopping with Alice was an experience. She seemed to want to look at every single thing within each store, but at the same time wanted to sprint across the mall to another store. She would see something she liked and squeal, claiming it was _perfect_ for so and so and sprint to the front to buy it or add it to her growing pile.

I found a novelty store that I found gifts for Jasper and Emmett in. I had a blast picking out Emmett's Irish flag snuggie and laughed so hard when I found a flask that said 'Cheers, mother fuckers' carved into the side. I saw a pair of Guinness slippers and grabbed the biggest pair they had for him as well. It all screamed Emmett to me and I couldn't wait to give the gifts to him.. I found Jasper a thing like a cookie cutter that made eggs in the shape of a gun. I figured he could also make pancakes and cookies with it too. I also found a Texas Longhorn apron and a book called _The Bagel Bible_ to give to Jasper as well.

I was enjoying myself. I was shocked that I was feeling so alive finding things for this family. I picked a sweater that was the Great Britain flag for Alice and resolved to find her a piece of jewelry elsewhere for her. I knew what I wanted to get for Esme, and for that I'd have to make some calls. Rosalie was a mystery to me, since I'd never met her. Alice entered the store and found me, so I decided to ask her for some advice. I showed her my finds and she laughed at the gifts for Jasper saying they were perfect, and Emmett would love what I picked for him.

"Alice?"

She paused from looking through a stack of books.

"Yes?"

I was unreasonably nervous and I didn't know why.

"I don't really know what to get for Rosalie, since I've never met her. What kinds of things does she like?"

Alice laughed and answered immediately.

"Shopping and booze."

Well, that narrows it down.

"Seriously?"

"Well, she likes auto mechanics, too. She loves Emmett, she likes to be pampered. She loves Ireland, especially the cliffs. She's a bitch, but she's a big softie once she deems you 'worthy' of her affection."

I nodded my head and continued to look through the store. I was looking at a shopping themed wine glass, deciding that it was the best idea, when Alice's voice snapped me out of my own little world.

"Bella?"

"Yes, Alice?"

"Do you normally spend Christmas volunteering?"

Oh. Shit.

I could already feel myself getting sucked in.

"Um… no, it's something I started recently. It's not something I do every year."

Not quite a lie, but not quite the truth. Hopefully that would keep her questions at bay.

"Do you have any family nearby?"

Shit. I could feel the pain that had been missing these past few hours coming back and hitting me in the gut. It was like a knife was cutting me from the inside out.

"No. No, I don't Alice."

_Please stop asking. Please Alice. It hurts so much, Alice, please stop._

"Oh, is all of your family out of town?"

She was twisting the knife. How could words hurt me this badly? How could memories do this much damage? Memories of holidays with _him_ whizzed through my mind, memories of my mother, who I missed so freaking much, mingled in between them. I could feel my breath becoming shallower and I fought to stay calm.

"No. Alice. No, they're not out of town."

_Please, Alice, Please don't ask anymore. I'm begging you; I'll let you drag me into Victoria's Secret like you wanted, just please._

I was internally begging her, hoping that she'd get the message and understand I needed to stop talking about this.

"Do you have family then? Are you on your own?"

The words fell from my mouth before I could stop them. They flew out of my mouth without my permission, but the pain had clouded my judgment.

"I had a family once…. a long, long time ago. My mother died. My father's not in the picture. In New Jersey, or Washington state maybe. Or nowhere. I don't know. There's no one… It's just me…just me…broken…"

I snapped my mouth shut and turned back to the wine glass. I grabbed the box off the shelf and made my way to the register to make my purchases. I saw a book out of the corner of my eye and grabbed it for Edward, figuring I'd get him a more heartfelt gift later. I paid for my things and found Alice waiting for me at the door, a small sad smile upon her face. I knew what my face looked like. It looked tired, worn, defeated. I checked my watch and saw that it was 4:30. We'd stopped for a quick lunch earlier and had rested a little, but I was still exhausted. I just wanted to get my shoes and go. I'd buy my Christmas gift online. The opening of the box it was sent in would make it more like Christmas anyway.

"I know you say you're volunteering, Bella, but we'd really love to have you for Christmas. Mum and Dad would really love to have you come with us, even if just for Christmas Day. You could have the eve of all to yourself. Just think about it, love, ok?"

"I'll think about it Alice."

And I did. Without my permission, my brain flew off again, showing me a big living room, perfectly decorated for the Christmas holidays; with a perfect tree, color coordinated but with homemade and meaningful ornaments as well. I saw myself sitting at a long table, laughing and eating great holiday food. I hadn't laughed in ages. I wanted that. I needed that. But to me, it was off limits, it was impossible.

"Alice, do you mind if we stop at the shoe department and then get going?"

She gave me that same small, sad smile and turned us in that direction.

"Not at all, Bella. What are you looking for?"

I debated telling her a lie, but something about her, her energy and rambunctiousness that counteracted her willingness to be quiet and listen and offer advice, made me want to tell her the truth. Some part of me wanted to give a part of my past to her. This wasn't much different than the pillows, it was something I'd kept for myself, but I could share it with her. I could let it out, free this bit of information and maybe free myself a little bit.

"My mother…she had all these crazy traditions, buying me pillows, special meals, holiday traditions, everything. One of them was that every year for Christmas she'd buy me a pair of shoes. When I got older, it changed to her giving me a pair of heels every year as one of my gifts. Some were so crazy that they stayed in the box until I finally threw them away. Some…some…a few were…disposed of…without my permission…after my mom was gone. A lot of them I still have. My dad…"

God, even thinking this made my throat close up. I coughed and cleared my throat and continued. We were riding the escalator down to where the shoes were being displayed.

"My dad never liked the traditions. He and my mom split up when I was young. Things went downhill from there. He never liked anything my mother tried to do for me. So, every year, I buy myself a pair of shoes. My Christmas shoes. I buy myself the shoes and another gift, so that's my Christmas. I'm alone now, and there's no one to really buy for and there's no one to buy for me. I guess this way I'm keeping my mother alive in a small way, and I'm also kind of giving my dad the metaphorical finger you could say. So it's a win-win for me." I smiled at the end, a mental image of me passing my credit card to a clerk with my other arm above my head, proudly displaying my middle finger as I paid for a pair of heels. I was pulled from my thoughts when Alice hugged me.

"Bella, I don't want to pretend that I know what you've gone through, because I don't. I've had a good life, I have a good husband. You haven't told me anything about your past, but I can tell you're broken. And I'm sorry about that. I'm here for you, if you need to talk, if you need to yell and scream or if you need to cry or just want someone to hold you. You're not alone anymore, Bella. Edward's found you and I have a hard time believing that he's going to let you go anytime soon. We're all here for you, Bella."

She let go of me and patted my cheek.

"Well, how about this, I'll pick out the shoes for you, that way they're a surprise when you open them? Why don't you go wait somewhere and I'll come back when I'm done shoe hunting and then we'll call it a day and get out of here, eh?"

I smiled, thankful for the words she said and the fact that she changed the topic quickly. I smiled at her thoughtfulness, at her trying to bring me some semblance of the Christmases I had long since forgotten existed.

"Sure, Alice, I'll meet you in the book store café when you're done."

"What size?"

I laughed at her eagerness.

"A six."

She clapped her hands in excitement, before kissing my cheek and dancing off towards displays. I felt my phone buzz in my purse and fished it out to find a new text.

**Edward:**

**So are you still alive? **

**Do I need to send in SWAT or whatever**

**you yanks call it? **

**And what about that pizza? What are**

**your preferences, love?**

**-E**

I smiled as I quickly typed back a message, glad that I'd be seeing him later.

**Edward,**

**Yes, I'm alive. I'm doing quite well.**

**Almost done here. **

**I like anything with meat on it. **

**Ham, bacon, sausage, pepperoni. **

**I don't judge. Not all of it,**

**but pizza isn't really pizza without meat**

**on it.**

I bit my lip as I thought of how to sign the message. Something Alice had said bounced around inside my head. I was not alone anymore, and Edward wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. This seemed like something so trivial, like something a high school girl would do. Steeling my resolve I typed quickly and then hit send before I could change my mind.

**See you soon. Xoxo**

**-B**

Almost instantly I had a reply.

**Edward:**

**A woman after my own heart.**

**Your pizza shall have meat, love.**

**Fear not. I'll be waiting. **

**Xxxx -E**

I giggled. Then I snorted at my own stupidity. I laughed at the little x's. Were those the hugs or the kisses? And what difference did it make either way? Maybe if he just sent hugs he was respecting my boundaries? But if he sent kisses did that mean he wanted more? It was utterly confusing. I slipped my phone back in my pocket and made my way to the bookstore, hoping to find a gift for Carlisle.

I had found a print in another shop where the background was the British flag and the words "Keep Calm and Carry On" were printed on it underneath a crown. I smiled and instantly thought of Carlisle and picked it for him. It didn't seem like enough so I hoped to find something more. I meandered up and down the aisles, sliding books out before replacing them.

I had made a small stack of books that I wanted to buy for myself when I came across a small leather bound book. A book that I've seen many times, that my mother read daily, and I had a copy of in my desk drawer. I slid the book off the shelf and turned to the words that had once offered me so much comfort.

"_**To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"**_

For some reason, I felt compelled to buy this for Carlisle. It seemed like the perfect gift. I added it to my fast growing pile and trotted off towards the front, afraid I would change my mind once I actually paid attention to what I was doing. I made my purchases, gathered all my bags that seemed to be filled with not only Christmas gifts, but also new clothes and things for me as well. Alice seemed to be very apt at getting people to do what she wanted them to do. I waited in the café for Alice and when she came into view, she held two new garment bags in addition to the other bags she carried.

I jumped up to help her, because she seemed to be drowning in bags.

"Oh, mother of pearl, I may have over done it a bit."

I laughed at her expression as she blew her bangs out of her face.

"I'd say a bit is an understatement, Alice."

"Yes, yes, well. That one there is for you."

She pointed to one of the garment bags she had been lugging and I narrowed my eyes at her. I didn't need anything that would come in that sort of package. I didn't want anything that would come in that sort of package. I was happy with the clothes I owned and didn't want Alice to buy me a pity gift because of what I had told her today.

"Alice-"

She cut me off before I could finish.

"Now before you say anything just hear me out, ok? This is for you in case you decide you want to come to Christmas with us. There's no pressure, you don't have to come, and if you don't then you have a pretty party dress saved away. I saw it and I couldn't say no, alright? So here's the dress and the shoes go with it so it'd be practically a sin to take one away from the other, ok? Open both on Christmas Eve and not a minute sooner. You'll love them, I know you will and you'll look so handsome in them!"

Her eyes twinkled as she said this, and I found myself too tired to deal with her.

"Fine, Alice. But if I find that it was too expensive, I'm taking it right back and giving you the money, alright?"

She nodded excitedly, before starting to chatter on about the Christmas decorations she was planning and the desserts she was making for Christmas. I think she thought she would sway me with sweets; she might have been right.

We loaded the car and headed back to my apartment, all the while with Alice talking and me lost in my thoughts, in my memories.

"Bella?"

I turned my head from the window to see Alice smiling softly at me. I hadn't noticed the car had stopped, nor had I realized we were at my apartment.

"Oh! Alice, I'm so sorry. I… I must have zoned out there. I didn't mean-"

"Bella, it's no problem. Don't fret about it. You looked like you were lost in your own mind."

She looked down at her hands and opened and closed her mouth a few times, like she wanted to say something but wasn't sure if she should. She shook her head and smiled at me again, getting out of the car to help me get my bags. As she was handing me the garment bag, she held on to it as I began to walk away, pulling me back to face her again and finally spoke.

"Bella? Sometimes…sometimes you have to let someone else save you. You have to stop trying to hold on for dear life and just let go and trust that someone else will be there to catch you. It's hard, but sometimes, it's the only way that you can save yourself. Sometimes the only way to save yourself is to let someone else save you."

She quickly kissed my cheek before getting into the car and driving away, leaving me standing there with my mouth hanging open; her words floating through my mind.

"Ok… ummm… shit! Give me a second!"

I laughed as I bit into a slice of pizza and tried to think of another question. After Alice dropped me off and I put away my purchases, Edward showed up with two large meat lovers pizzas. At first I didn't think we'd ever be able to eat that much on our own, but we were polishing off the first one rather quickly and I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't as many leftovers as I thought.

"Ok, ok. If you could go to any country in the world where would you go?"

Edward's brow furrowed as he chewed his bite of pizza before answering.

"Hmm… Probably Spain. Or somewhere in South America maybe. But you need to know Spanish to go to those places sooo… I'd probably need to find someone who did, because I certainly bloody well don't." He laughed at himself and I joined him.

"Oh, que terrible. ¿No puedes hablar español? ¿Que estudió en secundario, amigo? ¿O no necesitan aprender un otra lengua en Británica?"

I laughed at his facial expression and how his mouth dropped open as the musical words fell from my lips.

"You… you speak Spanish?"

I laughed at his obvious question and took another bite of pizza before answering him.

"Sí."

"Where did you learn to speak Spanish? And what did you just say?"

"Uh, uh, uh! You already used your question when you asked if I spoke Spanish, so now it's my turn. Maybe we should think of less obvious questions to ask, my friend."

"No. I demand a bloody follow up question. It's in the rules. Isn't it in the rules?"

I was laughing at his attempt to make politics in this game.

"Edward, there are no rules in this game. It's basically truth or dare without the dare. And there are no follow up questions in truth or dare so suck it up monkey butt!"

Edward's face was priceless when he heard what I called him and I fell to the ground in a fit of girlish giggles. The giggles turned to laughs and I laughed until tears rolled down my face and my ribs were screaming. I finally quieted down to see Edward smiling down at me. I smiled back and asked him another question.

"What's your favorite part of Christmas?"

I wasn't sure why I had asked this, Alice's words were still bouncing around in my head and for some reason all my Christmas memories, the good and the bad, were coming to the surface now. I wanted someone else's memories, I wanted happy, hallmark card Christmas stories to drown out the ones that were playing on inside my mind.

"Erm, well, I love the food. That's of course one of my favorite parts. But I guess I like that my whole family's together. We talk over one another and have six conversations going at once with food being passed back and forth and everyone's laughing and having a good time. It's a nice break from the bullshit of the world, you know? The gifts are fun, since we almost always get one another a gag gift, but it's really just catching up with everyone and seeing how everyone's doing. My dad says a big prayer at the beginning and my mom talks about when we were lil ones and Alice, Emmett and I argue while Rose and Jasper try to tell everyone the real American way to do a Christmas and how we're messing it all up. When it snows, we go outside and have a snowball fight sometimes. I don't know. I guess I just like Christmas in general and all that comes with it."

I could see it all in my mind. I could see them passing around food and laughing. I saw Edward pointing at Emmett as he laughed and tried to make his point. I saw Dr. Cullen shaking his head at them, and Alice cuddled up to Jasper as he laughed with who I imagined Rosalie to look like, while who I thought Esme would look like walked into the room carrying more food. It looked like the Christmas I had always wanted.

"So, where did you learn to speak Spanish? And what did you say?"

I shook my head to get rid of my thoughts and smiled at some of the good memories I had.

"I said: "Oh, how terrible. You can't speak Spanish? What did you study in high school, friend? Or did you not need to learn another language in Britain?"

I laughed with Edward as he told me that he studied Italian in High School, _thank you very much, _and that no, he could not speak Spanish. I took a deep breath and let the memories flood forward as I spoke a little bit more about the past.

"My mother's husband, Phil, his mother was Puerto Rican and his father's mother was from South America, so he was fluent. I visited his mother in Puerto Rico once and I learned from her. Phil thought it was really important that I learn another language. He thought it would help me adapt to being in another country and help me get a better job. Phil thought it was a valuable skill to have. My mom tried to learn but she wasn't so great at it. I spent a lot of time translating for her. She loved to listen to me speak it though; she said the words were like music, like liquid beauty that I poured into the air when I spoke Spanish." I smiled at the memory and looked up at Edward.

"One thing you want to do before you die?"

And so the night continued. We played our game until the leftover pizza was is the fridge and my eyelids were starting to droop. Edward helped me into my bed and waited until I was settled before he kissed my forehead goodbye and left.

I thought that as soon as my head hit the pillow that I would be dead to the world; but for the past hour I was sitting here, thinking.

I was thinking about how alone I'd been for these past few years.

I was thinking about how good it felt to laugh these past few days.

I was thinking about how much I wanted to feel again, feel anything other than pain again.

I was thinking that I wanted to be free.

I was thinking that I wanted to take a chance.

I grabbed my phone off my bedside table and quickly dialed a number. I waited impatiently as it rang once, twice, three times-

"Hello?"

"Edward? Hi. It's Bella. I was wondering…is that invitation to join your family for Christmas still open?"

He heaved an exaggerated sigh before speaking.

"Well I _suppose_ so, but won't they miss you at the homeless shelter? Did volunteering fall through and now you're looking for me to save your arse?"

I smiled as he spoke and laughed before answering him.

"Yeah, something like that."

* * *

**AN: AND? what do we think chickadees? how do we feel? Bella is letting go of some of her control, she's letting people in. We see her developing a friendship with Alice, we've got some B&E interaction going on. LET ME KNOW WHAT'S ON YOUR MINDS! **

**A big thank you and probably lifelong servitude to my beta, musegirl, who offers lovely insights, fixes all my mistakes, and makes sure i'm throwing in some Irish in there. (I did by the way, cause you were right, i was leaning one way! EGAD!) i would possibly be lost without her and her lovely ideas. **

**Not too much to say today lovelies, the polyvore is up, and I'm putting the polyvore link up on my profile for chapter 8 and chapter 9 should be with you in about a week. **

**So here we go kids, you click that button down there and _leave me some looovvveeeee._**

**~Mo~_  
_**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Hello! Ok, guys put away the pitchforks, let's put out the fires, and all take a deep breath and go into Child's Pose (for all you yoga do-ers out there.) **

**Are we back in our happy place?**

**fantastico! cause i'm so so so so so soooooo sorry for the wait! I know. I'm a horrible updater and you all want to shun me massively. please do not. because then B&E would be no more. (at least in the capacity of this story.)**

**just for shits and giggles here a disclaimer:**

**the disclaimer that was written for the first chapter still stands in effect. I own nothing in regards to the Twilight franchise, includind but not limited to the characters, certain plot points or quotes that may parallel or be identical to those found in both the books or movies. However, I do own the plot line, certain character traits, the words written here unless otherwise identified as not being my own, as well as a lovely toshiba laptop. One Street Over is the copyrighted work of A Letter To No One (formerly known as Once Upon a Twilight 1208) and the reproduction or plagarism without my express written consent is grounds for a beat down. **

**now that that's taken care of, I give you:**

**the longest mother flipping chapter I've ever written. Merry Christmas in September, chickadees. 12,213 words of pure B&E.**

**Meet me down below for a run down of some new news, as well as a recap. **

* * *

Wrapping gifts had always sort of been a meditation for me. I prided myself in making perfect parcels that were meticulously and elegantly decorated. As scatter brained as my mother was, she was the one who taught me this art. When most people would have pegged her as the woman to grab the brightest paper possible and make it look like a glitter factory exploded, she proved them all wrong by picking elegant paper and simple bows that made the gifts look like something out of a magazine. I remember watching her, with the plastic wheel of tape around her finger, the scissors in her teeth as she wrestled the paper to lay flat and crease perfectly. I remember her painstakingly measuring the paper against whatever she was wrapping. Odd shaped gifts went in boxes, tied with ribbons. Never was a bow out of place nor were there ever wrinkles or tears in the paper.

So here I sat at my dining room table, wrapping the plethora of gifts I'd found for the Cullens. Things I'm sure they would never use or ever want, but things that I thought might make them smile. I still couldn't think of a more heartfelt gift for Edward. I didn't have a lot of money to buy him anything fancy. I had thought of getting him a shirt from his favorite hurling team, an Irish sport he had once explained that he loved, but I later found out he already had a bunch and I didn't think he would need anymore. I had also considered a gift certificate but it didn't seem like enough. What do you get for the guy that forced you to let him and his family takes care of you, is bringing you to Christmas dinner with his family, and has you basically fighting yourself with massive amounts of inner turmoil? I honestly couldn't think of anything, and it didn't seem like Google did either.

Not that I Googled that anyway.

I smiled as I kept wrapping. I was halfway done. I smiled even more as I thought of all Edward had done for me, and I tried to think of something good enough for him. Edward was a good man, probably one of the best men I'd ever known in my life. He was somehow fixing me without even knowing it, and it had only been a few weeks since I'd first met him.

A memory of my father started playing through my mind as this thought made itself known. Edward was a good man, probably one of the best men I'd ever known in my life…

_I was about 14. We were hiking. It was one of those mornings that my dad had woken me up at the ass crack of dawn to take me on "nature hikes." He bribed me with brunch at the diner afterwards and we were off. My dad had a Gatorade and a buttered roll in a paper towel for me, and my backpack all packed up. We drove off to one of the nature trails he knew of in his ancient pick-up truck and got to it. _

_As we were resting on a rock, eating some fruit he had packed and rehydrating, he looked at me and then back at the apple in his hand. Then he began to talk._

"_You know, Bells. You're a beautiful girl. Really, you are. You give your mother a run for her money." I blushed and made to disagree, telling him that he was my father, that because I was half him, it was instinct to tell me I was beautiful._

"_No, Bells, this is my honest opinion. You're beautiful, smart, caring. And one day, one day baby girl, you're going to catch someone's eye. No, I take that back…you'll catch a lot of someones' eyes, and darling, you'll have your pick of men. But Bells, don't settle. Never settle for anything less than you deserve ok? You'll always be my baby girl, Bells. Always, you'll always be mine and no one else's. But one day, you'll want to be someone else's. But make sure he's worthy of you, Bells. Don't go just giving it away to any guy who offers you a ride in his car and a free meal. A good man will want you for your mind, Bells. A good man will want you for your heart. Now, when you find a good man, Bells. A really, really good man, I want you to do something for me, so that I know that this man is the one you really want, ok? I want you to…_

The memory ended and faded out. I smiled. I was remembering the good times. I was finally seeing the happiness I had. Another memory pushed its way to the front of my mind.

_I was 17 and we were in the basement. My stepdad, Phil, was setting up while I stretched. _

"_Ok, break-a-face, let's go."_

_I laughed and shook my head, my ponytail swishing from side to side. I bounced a little on my feet and stretched my arms. We had always done this for fun, as a joke in the kitchen, dancing around each other, trying to get the best of the other; and then, one day it got serious. I knew that I could count on Phil that day to teach me what I needed to know._

_He helped me wrap my hands and then we began the familiar dance we always did. This time, Phil had pads on his hands, and wraps on mine. I stretched once more and then started swinging. Right foot planted behind me, left hand blocking, right hand swinging, throw your body weight with the punch, follow through, don't look down, don't hesitate. Left, right, right, left, block, one, two, left, block, right, right, right. Don't forget to follow through._

_I went to another place, until Phil put my arms by my side and smiled._

"_Ok mija, listen let's hit the bag. I've got something to say."_

_He stood behind the punching bag he'd set up for me and I gave it everything I had. Punching, kicking, putting every bit of passion I had in my body into that act, all the while Phil's voice floated through to my mind._

"_Bella, one day, one day some man is going to make you his. But listen, never be with the one who goes out with his friends and doesn't tell you. Don't be with the one that disappears, ok? If he disappears once, he'll do it again, and that's not something you want. You have to find someone who you can talk to, ok, Bella? I have a lot I want to tell you… But just listen; you have to be with someone who cares more about you than about the stupid things in life. You have to find someone you can love and adore. The one you love the most is the one with whom you can forgive and forget, that's the one you want to keep. Because everyone messes up, Bella, but the one that you can't live without, that you miss when they're away from you, even just a few minutes away, the one who wants to take care of you always, and doesn't want anything in return, the one who will go… I don't know what you girls like…the one that will go shopping with you or ahh… ha-ha for you? The one who will stay in a bookstore with you for more than 5 minutes and listen to you rant about the stories that you read, the one that makes you want to be a better person, the one that makes you want to simply _be_, that is the one you want to keep forever. Don't ever give up on your dreams for anyone either, ok, Bella? This is important. The person who tells you not to follow your dreams or for you not to take an opportunity because you love them and they don't want you to leave, that means they don't really love you. The person who loves you will let you follow your dreams, Bella. They will encourage you to do everything you want and achieve it all. The one that tells you to quit school, or not work, when it's something you want, that's not love. You got it? Remember that, ok, Bella? Make sure you remember that. And when you find him, you bring him here so I can put the fear of God in him. I'll make sure he doesn't pull any bullshit. Maybe I'll show him some pictures from my time in the army… just… do something for me Bella…"_

Tears rolled down my face as my hands laid still on the package I had been wrapping, half taped and partially crumpled by one of my hands being balled into a fist. I remembered. I cried, and I remembered. I took a deep breath as one last memory hit me.

_I was 19. I was on break from my freshman year of college and my mother and I were walking. It was a crisp, fall day and we were barefoot, not caring if anyone thought we were crazy, she lived in Jacksonville by then, so we wouldn't get too many strange looks anyway. When we finally hit the sand of the beach, my mother looped her arm in mine and held me to her. I glanced up at her and smiled and hugged her arm. _

"_Bella, one day I'll be gone. One day Phil and I will be gone, and you'll be on your own, and you'll have to figure out how to do that. It'll be hard honey, but I pray to God that you have someone with you by your side when I go. It may be soon, it may not, we don't know…" I tried to tell her to stop talking like that, to tell her that she'd always be here, that I couldn't imagine a world in which she didn't exist. _

"_No, no, Bella it's the truth. It's a hard truth, but one day, you'll have to face it. I hope you don't hurt badly, sweetheart. I know I haven't been the best mother… but just… I just want you to know something, Bella, the man who you can marry, the man you can love unconditionally, that is the man that you would be able to live in a cardboard box with and be happy. And that's the one you want to keep forever. The one who it wouldn't matter if you didn't have a dime to your name and you were living in a subway station or if you had all the money in the world and houses on every continent. True love isn't a calculator, Bella, it doesn't measure pros and cons, it only knows happiness and loss. I pray to God every night that you get happiness, Bella. I pray so much that that's what you get._

_And Bella, when you walk, don't look down, put your shoulders back and your head up, you look defeated when you have your head down, and people will take advantage of you if you do that. I don't want that for you Bella, you'll never be defeated unless you give up. I don't want you to ever give up, Bella, no matter what. Never stop fighting and you'll never lose. Remember that. Now, I want you to do something for me…when I'm gone and you find someone who's a good, good man, I want you to do something…"_

I was crying hysterically now. Laughing and crying at the memories. My beautiful mother, my strong, protective Phil, and …Daddy… I pushed the package away from me and stood up quickly, knocking the chair I was sitting in over and rushed to my dresser, grabbing what I always kept in there and what I now desperately needed, I grabbed my phone out of my purse, threw on my coat and shoes and slung my purse over one shoulder. I dialed a number and hit send, waiting for the person to pick up.

"Alice? It's Bella. I hope I'm not calling at a bad time, but I need a favor…"

I knew what I would be giving Edward for Christmas.

It was Christmas Eve. All my packages were wrapped and I had spent the day getting last minute things settled. The box of things I had ordered for the girls arrived and once I made sure everything was right, I wrapped it all up. I had my gifts set in bags by the door, ready to go. One sat in my purse, hopefully I would have a private moment to give that to Edward, but if not, I would write a note and leave it for him somewhere.

It was finally later in the evening; I'd done my Christmas tradition of eating desserts all day. I'd worn the new pretty sweater I'd bought as my gift to myself and was trying to gain enough courage to look at what Alice had bought for me. I wrung my hands together as I paced in front of the garment bag that hung on the back of my bedroom door.

I could do this.

Alice has said she didn't go overboard.

I could do this.

It's just a dress and some shoes.

Start with the shoes.

Christmas shoes, it's an old tradition. Christmas shoes will help you keep it together. Go for the shoes.

I took a deep breath and grabbed the box. Alice had taken it to the wrapping station and it was professionally wrapped in shiny, silver snowflake paper with a beautiful red velvet ribbon wrapped around it and tied into a bow in the middle. I carefully peeled off the ribbon and put it to the side, intent on saving it. I then slowly tore the paper away until I had the shoebox uncovered and sitting on my lap. _Steve Madden_ stared back at me on a simple tan box in silver script. Ok, Steve Madden. It couldn't be that bad then. I painstakingly slowly opened the box and gasped. They were beautiful.

A pair of blue, suede heels stared back at me, something I'd always wanted but didn't know if I could ever pull them off. They were a deep, midnight blue. I quickly pulled off my slippers and shoved my feet in the shoes and raced over to the mirror. I moved here and there, showing off the shoes at different angles, in awe of how they made my legs look, even just wearing baggy, old sweats. They were simple and elegant and so different at the same time. Then I remembered the dress hanging on the door and, no longer afraid, I raced back the way I came and quickly unzipped the garment bag and pulled it away, it took my breath away. It was gorgeous. It was a fitted sleeveless deep navy, almost black, dress that flowed out from the waist. It had a gold belt that wrapped around and looked like a bracelet that fit the dress. The hem had wispy threads that flowed around the bottom, making the dress look like it was floating. It was classic and vintage as well as having a hint of modern. It would look perfect with the shoes. It was gorgeous. I threw off my pajamas and put it on. It fit perfectly; it flared out from the belt, which sat perfectly at the curve of my waist, accentuating my bust and my slender figure, hitting me right above the knee. The shoes made me look like a knock out. I took everything off and reverently put it away. I slipped my pajamas and slippers back on and raced to my phone immediately calling Alice. She answered on the first ring and didn't bother with pleasantries.

"Do you love them? If you absolutely hate them we can find you something else, or I can come over with a couple fabrics and my sewing kit and we can fix it up, but I really think that if you didn't like it that you need to try it on, _with _the shoes because all of it together is what really makes the outfit and you don't need a necklace I don't think, since the belt is really fancy, but it just screamed _you _when I saw it and I really hope you love it. And the shoes. Do you like the shoes? Bella? Are you there?"

I laughed at her rant.

"Alice…thank you… this…this is one of the…one of the best gifts I've ever been given. I _love_ them. I've always wanted a pair of shoes like this, and _God,_ Alice. Have you _seen _this dress? I'm surprised you didn't keep it for yourself! I…God…its perfect! I love it! Thank you. So much. I really don't know what to say-"

"No, no! Don't say anything. Just tell me what time to tell Edward to come collect you. He says 'Hi' by the way and wants to know how you're feeling."

"I'm great. Fantastic, tell him that one of the nicest people I've ever met has given me a fantastic gift that I don't know if I'll ever be able to repay."

"Aww…Bella…I don't know what to say… Am I really one of the nicest people you've ever met?"

I smiled. Then laughed, because what else could I do?

"Yes, Alice. You're second to Edward. Your whole family is just… you're all so kind… I hope that one day I can repay you all somehow-"

"Don't be daft, Bella! Now, what time should Edward collect you? We usually have breakfast together, then hang out, eat a late lunch, and open presents in the afternoon. Would you like to come over in the morning?"

"Um…that's fine. I'm actually going to be out a little late tonight. I'm just about to start getting ready now. So…would you mind if I came around 10:30? You don't have to wait to have breakfast for me, I can make something quick or-"

"Bella! It's no problem; we'll wait for you! We're all very excited to see you! But where on earth are you going this late at night, love?"

I smiled again, happy to share this piece of information with her, and probably anyone at this point. People cared where I was, and that felt good.

"I'm going to candle-light service for Christmas at my church tonight at midnight. It's…it's something my mother and I did. It's a beautiful thing actually. I've always loved it. I like sitting up in the balcony, down in front, right in the middle so I can look across all the people and see the soft light made by all the candles when they turn the lights out and the chorus sings. It's like this feeling of peace just fills me. It's breathtaking…"

I trailed off, remembering all the services I'd been to in the past, and how every time it still took my breath away.

"Wow. That sounds lovely, Bella! What church do you go to?"

"Faith Church on 26th and West Hamilton. It's a beautiful church. I love it, and the pastor if wonderful."

"That sounds lovely, Bella! Well, I hope you enjoy yourself and your service! We'll see you soon! Edward say 'bye' and that he'll pick you up at about ten tomorrow, alright love?"

"Sounds good, Alice. I'll see you soon!"

We hung up and I once again started to get ready. I had about 2 hours before the service, but I had to be there early since I would be singing. I didn't mention this to Alice, since I didn't want her to insist on coming to see me. Singing was something that I did for me, as a way to get some of my emotions out. It was very embarrassing when people I knew heard me.

I dressed in the red dress my pastor's wife had sewn for me with a pair of flats. I looked longingly at the new dress and heels, but knew I needed to wear the dress this kind woman had spent so much time making for me, and put on my mother's diamond cross pendant. I practiced my songs softly as I dressed. I grabbed a long white sweater to wear over the dress and went to fix my hair and makeup. I kept it minimal, since I would be going to church, and just highlighted some of my features. I left my hair down, in curly waves like it normally was, and decided it was time to get going. I grabbed a bag with my Bible in it and checked myself over and left the house, walking to church.

I arrived at church and met with the piano player, practicing a few songs while people trickled into the building, taking their candles and finding their seats. I smiled as a few people I knew waved to me from different pews as they entered. I look up into the balcony and saw that Hallelujah Dan has placed a small 'Reserved' sign in my usual spot, saving it for me so I could have my bird's eye view when I finished singing. Finally, the lights dimmed and people took their seats as the pastor began his sermon. Everyone quieted down and I took my seat next to the piano, waiting for my time.

I basked in the serenity of being here. The peace and joy that these people all felt, their faith and love, filled the room and seemed to buzz like a current. I closed my eyes and reveled in the feeling. It was home. I could feel my mother caressing my face, brushing my hair, I could feel her all around me, and I smiled. I heard the words that people were reading and followed along in my Bible. I eagerly listened as the pastor spoke and finally, the ushers began to pass up and down the aisles of the pews. They would light the candle of the person at the end of the pew and then people would use their candle to light the person's next to them until everyone's candle was lit. Younger kids had electric candles, so they wouldn't either get burned, or burn down the church. They turned the lights off now entirely, the church only lit by candlelight, a soft warm glow filled the room.

I lit my candle and stepped up to the middle of the raised stage, took the microphone and closed my eyes. The piano music began softly, and finally, I began to sing. I sang to my mother, I sang to my father, I sang to Phil, and even though I didn't want to admit it, I think I may have sang to Edward too.

_Silent night,_

_Holy night,_

_All is calm,_

_All is bright,_

_Round yon virgin mother and child,_

_Holy infant so tender and mild_

_Sleep in heavenly peace._

_Sleep in heavenly peace._

This song spoke so much about how I was feeling. It may have been talking about the nativity story, but to me it also spoke of serenity, of the calm after all the chaos. It spoke of beginnings and wonderful things to come.

I smiled as I sang the second verse of the song and then the music changed, playing a happier song; as I went on to sing the words to _Hark the Harold Angels Sing._ When I finished that, the music took a more somber tone, still joyful, but more emotional.

_O come, O come, Emmanuel  
And ransom captive Israel  
That mourns in lonely exile here  
Until the Son of God appear  
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel  
Shall come to thee, O Israel._

Alice words choice at that moment to ring through my mind. _You can't always save yourself, Bella. _I couldn't save myself, maybe other times I could have, but right now it seemed like I needed someone else to save me, like I needed someone to come and get me out of the dark hole I seemed to have lost myself in. I was in exile in my life right now, I was in limbo, and I was utterly numb. It wouldn't be giving up, no, it really wouldn't, it would be fighting, but knowing that I couldn't fight alone any longer.

_O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free  
Thine own from Satan's tyranny  
From depths of Hell Thy people save  
And give them victory o'er the grave  
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel  
Shall come to thee, O Israel._

But could I ask someone to save me? Could I ask that much of another person? Who would want to save me? My heart knew that the answer to that question was Edward, but my mind was afraid to believe this. Men always left, they never stayed long, and they always changed. They weren't safe. Did I know how Edward even felt? Would he even want to save me from this life I was stuck in?

_O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer  
Our spirits by Thine advent here  
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night  
And death's dark shadows put to flight.  
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel  
Shall come to thee, O Israel._

I could hear people singing with me as they had with the other songs, but this time it felt like the words were trying to say something to me. Jesus saved the world, maybe I needed to finally just jump and let someone save my own world. Maybe…just maybe…

_O come, Thou Key of David, come,  
And open wide our heavenly home;  
Make safe the way that leads on high,  
And close the path to misery.  
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel  
Shall come to thee, O Israel._

I opened my eyes and smiled. I looked up to where I usually sat, and I could have sworn that Edward was sitting there. I had to be dreaming, but even the thought of him there made me smile, and I sang the last part with every emotion I'd been feeling.

_O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,  
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,  
In ancient times did'st give the Law,  
In cloud, and majesty and awe.  
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel  
Shall come to thee, O Israel._

_Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel_

_Shall come to thee, O Israel._

I smiled and bowed slightly to the audience before putting the microphone back and letting the choir take over leading more songs. I walked down one of the side aisle and one of the ushers, Harry, an older man, escorted me up to the balcony to my seat. He left me at the end of the aisle, telling me that he would see me at the end of the service.

I excused myself and began to move to my seat, trying my best to avoid stepping on everyone's feet. I looked down at the ground until I finally found the small reserved sign on the seat and plucked it up before placing it where the hymnals sat in front of the padded chair. I arranged the skirt of my dress and my sweater and got comfortable, pulling my Bible out of my bag again as the pastor stepped up to speak. I was skimming the thin, aged paper when a familiar voice whispered in my ear.

"I didn't know you could sing so beautifully, duck. You're quite talented."

I gasped in shock and swung my head to see Edward was actually sitting right next to me smiling, and wearing a suit. My mouth was hanging wide open and he chuckled at me and how shocked I was to see him. I looked around and saw Hallelujah Dan standing in the back corner, he gave me a quick wave and a wink, so I knew he had something to do with Edward being able to find my preferred seat. I swung my head back around to see Edward smirking at me.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed at him.

He chuckled lightly before leaning into my ear again.

"Alice and Jasper and my parents are here as well, but they're on the other side of the balcony. Apparently, if you don't reserve your seat up here, these seats get taken pretty quickly." The pastor was ending his welcoming remarks and beginning his sermon. Edward glanced at him and turned back to me. "We'll talk more later, duck." With that, he winked at me again and turned to face the pastor. I stared at him in awe for a few minutes before I turned back to Pastor Joe and tried to get lost in the message. It was harder now that I had Edward next to me.

It felt like this was what I was supposed to do. It felt like this was my giant sign, that the universe was pointing me in his direction. I sent up a silent prayer to Heaven, thanking God and asking for guidance and strength, praying that my mother would be with me in spirit with what I was about to do.

The service ended and Edward and I slowly began to descend from the balcony. Many people stopped to talk to me about my singing, and I made time to speak to Hallelujah Dan as Edward went off to gather his family. Once I found him, I ran and gave him a big hug. Dan was one of the first people to welcome me when I came to this church. He was a middle-aged man who had made some bad decisions in his life, but had since recovered and found new life in Christ.

"How are you Bella? Merry Christmas, my dear! You sang wonderfully! Now why don't you tell us who that nice young gentleman was who asked so nicely where Miss Bella Swan sat?"

"Hi Dan! Merry Christmas to you, too! That's Edward Cullen. He's…a friend. I had a little bit of an accident a few weeks ago and he and his family have been a great help to me."

"Well I'll be! The great Bella Swan is taking someone's help! It's a miracle!"

We laughed as I explained what had happened these past few weeks since I'd seen him last. He had been traveling, visiting family in Pennsylvania and this was the first I'd seen him since before the accident.

"Well that's quite a thing you've been through! I'll be prayin' for ya! Don't forget that. I'll mention to a few people you need their prayers too. Now tell me about this boy, do I need to drill him? I can pull out the papa bear guns if you need it honey, don't think I didn't notice that hesitation on the "He's a friend" you just gave me."

I smiled, Dan was very close to me, and even though I really only saw him at Church and a few times outside of, he was the closest thing I had to a father figure.

"No, he really is just a friend Dan. Maybe someday, if I'm ever ready…"

"Honey, drop those bags at the door of the Lord, cause you've been carrying baggage that is far too heavy for far too long and you cannot do it on your own. Let that man help you. Or any man for that matter!" He laughed before he got serious again. "You should be happy, Bella. You out of anyone I know deserve to be happy."

He smiled and gave me another hug. When he pulled back he looked over my shoulder and smiled.

"Ok, sweets, look sharp, here comes your man. Should I scare him a little bit? I can get some more of the guys out to stare him down if you'd like?"

His offer to get other ushers and church elders was enough to make me laugh as I insisted that wasn't necessary. I was still laughing when Edward and his family reached us.

"It's nice to see you laughing, duck."

I smiled at Edward and turned to introduce him.

"Edward, this is Hallelujah Dan. Dan, this is Edward."

They shook hands and Edward laughed at the introduction.

"Hallelujah Dan, huh? What did you do to get that name?"

"Well, if you ever hear a 'Hallelujah' ring out during the service nine times out of ten it's me! Ha-ha! I praise the Lord when I feel like I've got to praise the Lord! And that's how the name came about. It's nice to meet you Edward. Merry Christmas to you. Is this your family?"

Edward moved to introduce his family, which I noticed consisted of Alice and Jasper and another couple whom I assumed were his parents.

"Yes, Dan, this is my sister Alice and her husband, Jasper Whitlock, and my parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen."

Introductions were made all around, and then Dan excused himself to talk to some other church members, giving me a kiss on the cheek and wishing me a great Christmas.

"Hello, Bella it's lovely to see you again! I adore your dress! Happy Christmas!"

I smiled as Alice bounced over and gave me a kiss on the cheek and a big hug.

"Merry Christmas to you, too! Thank you, Alice. The pastor's wife actually sewed it for me to wear tonight. I'll have to find her before I leave and thank her."

Jasper came over and gave me a big hug and spun me around.

"That was some fine singing you did up there, girlie! I didn't think such a big voice could come from something as small as you! Merry Christmas!"

I blushed at his complements and looked down at the floor once he had set me back on my feet.

"Thank you, Jasper. Merry Christmas."

"Bella."

I looked over at Edward standing with his parents. I had never formally met them, though they had seen me while I was unconscious, I believed. I blushed at the thought and wanted to die from embarrassment of the mental image of them seeing me in their son's clothes, drooling on a pillow, bruised and battered.

"Bella, these are my parents, love, Carlisle and Esme. They've already met you in a way, but this is the proper way to go about it I believe."

Esme made her way over to me before taking both of my hands in hers and kissing my cheek.

"Bella it's so good to meet you my dear! And your singing was phenomenal! I've never heard such a beautiful voice! You must sing for us tomorrow when Edward plays!"

"Oh yes! That would be wonderful! Please, Bella, say you'll sing tomorrow!"

Alice was bouncing up and down at the idea and I didn't think I really had much choice in the matter. It seemed like I would be singing tomorrow.

"Sure, I would be honored to sing in your home for you. I'm not as good as you say, but I do enjoy singing."

Carlisle stepped forward and spoke this time.

"Nonsense, Bella, you have a magnificent voice. It's truly a gift. It's lovely to meet you under better conditions my dear. We're all thrilled that you'll be joining us tomorrow. And may I just say that it is lovely to know a lady who gets herself to church! You seem like a wonderful young woman."

I blushed at all the compliments and looked to Edward, who was smiling warmly at me.

"Thank you, you're very kind. Merry Christmas to you as well."

Carlisle patted my shoulder in a fatherly manner before Jasper spoke up again.

"We really are exciting to be havin' you tomorrow darlin'. Me and Rose can't wait to have another American on our side when we're up against these Brits in numbers. They do some strange things, let me tell you. We're glad to have another team member!"

I laughed and made to respond, but before I could the minister's wife came over and a new round of introductions were made. I had just enough time to tell the Cullens to help themselves to the Christmas cookies and hot drinks that were being offered in the church foyer before people were whisking me away to compliment my singing and talk to me about different projects in the church. When I finally made it back to Edward and his family, I was dead on my feet and dreading the walk home.

"You look trashed, love. How are you going to drive home?"

I yawned before answering.

"It's true, I'm beat. I didn't drive, so that's not a problem. I'm walking home."

A hint of anger flashed through Edward's eyes and his body seem to tense.

"Bella, it's nearly two in the morning in Chicago, it's not safe to be walking at night, especially since you're tired. I can't believe you walked here. Come on, I'll drive you home."

I was going to protest, but as soon as I opened my mouth all that left was a huge yawn. Edward saw this as his victory, and he bid his family good bye while I tiredly waved my farewells. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close to his body when I shivered from the cold air as he led me to his car. He settled me into the passenger seat and I seemed to be sensing a pattern here.

I don't think I could begin to count the number of times I've fallen asleep in Edward's front seat only to have him carry me up to my apartment and place me in my bed once again. I woke slightly when he placed me on my bed but when I began to stir he shushed me.

"Shhh… it's alright, duck, you're safe in your bed. Don't worry. Just sleep."

I knew from experience that sleeping in a dress not only wrinkled it and made for costly dry cleaning bills, but was also exceptionally uncomfortable. This thought registered in my mind and before it could be filtered, a command was coming out of my mouth.

"Pajamas."

There was silence and I was drifting fast.

"Bella…"

"Hmm?"

"Bella, do you want me to help you change?"

"Mmm hmmm."

I could only make noises at this point. I was so tired, and my bed was just so comfortable.

"Ok, Bella, I'm going to sit you up. Where are your pajamas?"

"Mmm… second drawer down…cub's shirt… yoga pants. Unzip the dress and push it off my shoulders…umm… put the cub's shirt on, pants underneath, pull down dress. Easy."

I heard a chuckle and I was sitting up. I felt clothing being moved and added and the rustle of my dress falling to the floor. Then my head was on my pillow again and I was just about to fall asleep.

"Edward…stay…you don't have to leave…it's so late…"

I heard a voice far in the distance, but it was like I was underwater, and I drifted off into a sleep filled with sweet and happy dreams, dreams of Edward and I together. I heard a voice whisper "Happy Christmas." And that was all I remembered.

I woke up to feel a slight pressure on my forehead. I was snug and warm where I was and the thought of leaving the comfort of my bed did not appeal to me at all, though it never really ever did. I groaned and wrinkled my nose. I sighed before opening my eyes to let them adjust to the light. I remembered that I had asked Edward to stay last night. I also realized, I was once again, in the ever loving nook. And it was Christmas. I was currently engaged in Christmas nooking. Best. Christmas. Ever. I looked over at the alarm clock. It wasn't even 9 yet. This was perfection. I snuggled in deeper and continued the nook that beat all nooks before asking my question.

"Not that I'm complaining, but why are you in my bed?"

I was curious as to what compelled Edward to boldly sleep in my bed alongside me.

"I didn't start out this way. I was out on the couch but you started having a night terror. You kept saying that you were sorry and that you'd be good. I just about went bollocks and then you said my bloody name and asked me to save you. You don't remember this, duck? You were crying and carrying on. So I crawled on up here and got comfy. Evidently so did you."

Oh. Shitballs.

Christmas Shitballs.

Silver lining: I didn't remember the dream. That didn't help much, but I would take that little gift for now. Thank you, Santa.

"Ummm… I'm sorry you had to see that…"

"Don't apologize, Isabella. I got to be closer to you so it did have its fringe benefits. Happy Christmas, duck. Or I guess if we're going with the American way, Merry Christmas, sweetheart."

I laughed as his translation of his own words from British English to American.

"Thank you. Happy/Merry Christmas to you as well."

"So, we have a little bit of time, unless you need it to get ready."

It was strange. Here we were, me in his arms, nooking and cuddling like a couple, but it wasn't awkward, it wasn't strange. It felt right. It felt like I didn't ever want to leave. It felt like what heaven should be like. The excitement and longing of what Christmas should be like buzzed in the pit of my stomach, a feeling I hadn't had in years. Mixed in with some _other _longing too. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. It was like this was the perfect morning, and I didn't know if I wanted to ever get up and face the world again.

"Bella?"

I snapped out of my internal monologue and gazed back up at Edward, who was smiling down at me, with an eyebrow cocked.

"Are you alright, duck?"

I smiled.

"I'm great. I only need about a half hour to get ready. Alice bought my outfit for me and it doesn't take me that long to do everything else. I can make some coffee if you'd like?"

"Well, love, I have to eventually swing back to mine and change before we leave to meet everyone. Did you want me to leave and come back or do you want me to wait for you?"

"You can go while I'm in the shower. I should be done by the time you get back. But have some coffee first."

Edward nodded and I slipped out of his arms, not wanting to leave the nook, but realizing it was a necessity, and made to go make coffee.

"How do you like your coffee?"

"Black, I don't like to bullshit with it."

Alrighty then. I bet he wouldn't appreciate the fact that my coffee was essentially coffee flavored cream and sugar.

I fixed the cups and found him sitting at the kitchen counter on one of the stools. I passed him a cup and looked at him over the rim of mine.

"So… are those the gifts you're bringing with you over there?"

I looked over my shoulder to see where he was pointing to, remembering the bags of gifts I had wrapped yesterday and the days before.

"Yup. Those should be everything."

"Right then. I'll load those up into the car before I leave so you don't have to carry them."

"Oh, no Edward you don't have to-"

"Nonsense! My mum would murder me slowly if I let you carry any of that, and you don't want my death on your conscious now do you, love?"

I laughed at his crazy reasoning and shook my head. We stayed there, me standing on one side of the counter and him sitting on the other, and talked about mundane things until it was time for him to go home and change and me to start getting ready. He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek good-bye and I skipped my way into the bathroom. I hopped into the shower and did my daily routine, lathering up with my vanilla body wash and strawberry shampoo. I sang as I washed, feeling joyful and free. I got out and dried my hair, dressing quickly and putting on a small amount of make-up to accentuate my eyes. I didn't bother with blush, since I figured I'd be doing enough of that on my own. I slicked on some lip gloss before finishing my hair. I pinned half of it up and left the rest down, it was wavy and curly and kind of all over the place, but it looked nice with the top part pulled back with a pretty clip Phil's mother had given me. I slipped on the dress and the shoes Alice had given me and was again taken aback by how perfect they both were. I slipped in some simple diamond stud earrings that had belonged to my mother and her cross necklace, just as there was a knock on my door.

I threw everything I needed into a small clutch and raced as fast as I could to the door, grabbing my coat along the way. I yanked the door opened and there was Edward, in a suit. He had a deep red shirt on with a black vest over it and a black tie. He had a jacket on over that which he left open with a black pea coat on top. He was wearing black slacks and shiny dress shoes that looked like new. He had his usual beanie pulled down over his ears, and a smile playing at his lips. I smiled at the way he looked and the way he was looking at me.

"Isabella… Duck… you look…"

He took my hand and held it above my head as he slowly twirled me around, getting a good look at me.

"I'm going to have to buy Alice a better Christmas gift, love. You look absolutely stunning. There are no words."

I blushed at his complements and ducked my head; with my hair being half pulled back I couldn't hide behind it. I looked up at him under my eyelashes and thanked him.

"Thank you, Edward. You look very handsome yourself. Red looks good on you."

He held his arm out to me and I took it. When we reached his car he opened the passenger's side door for me and I slipped in, tucking my skirts underneath me and buckling my seat belt. When Edward saw that I was tucked into the car, he quickly closed the door and jogged over to his, slipping in and turning it on, making sure to turn the heat on. I looked over my shoulder to see all of my bags mixed with a few others I didn't recognize. I smirked at the sheer number of them; it seemed that Edward enjoyed showering his friends and family with gifts.

"So, was Santa good to you, sailor?"

He laughed out loud at my attempt to break the silence.

"Why, yes, duck, I would like to think that he was. I got to wake up to quite a nice surprise in my arms this morning and I'm not sure any other gift today is going to top it."

I blushed again as he winked at me, and we drove the rest of the way in silence. Edward turned on the radio so there was quiet Christmas music playing in the background while we traveled to his family's home.

We finally pulled up to a large brownstone in the Gold Coast area of Chicago. It was an old building that was well kept, with a red painted door and a bright green wreath on it. There were elegant twinkle lights hanging over the porch above the door and a few strands around the window, while garland wound around the hand rails leading up to the house. It was timeless and beautiful, and looked exceptionally expensive.

The house at the same time heightened my anxiety and soothed me. It was warm and inviting, but at the same time, this house had to be somewhere in the millions range, and Edward had told me that his parents hadn't wanted to purchase anything too nice since they would only be in Chicago every now and then. If this was "not too nice" I didn't want to see what "nice" would be defined as. My gifts for them weren't extravagant, so I hoped they would see the sentiment behind them and not just that I was throwing cheap crap around.

Edward turned off the car and got out, jogging to my side of the car to open my door. I wrapped my coat around me and gingerly stepped out onto the curb. Apparently, no matter how gingerly I stepped, the snow coated ground would try and slap me. I slipped and began to fall backwards, with my feet flipping in front of me, when Edward wrapped his arm around my lower back and pulled me up, flush to his body.

"Well, Happy Christmas to me. Are you alright there, duck?"

I blushed and was about to answer when Alice's voice broke through the air.

"Bella! Happy Christmas! Edward, stop molesting Bella and get the bags in the house! We've been waiting for you!"

If possible I blushed an even darker red. Edward smiled down at me and let me go, making sure I was stable on my feet before turning back to the car. I turned to help him with the bags when I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around to face Jasper.

"Merry Christmas, Bella! Why don't you go on inside. The ladies are in the kitchen, I'll help Edward bring all this stuff in."

"Merry Christmas, Jasper! Are you sure you don't want any help? There are an awful lot of bags…"

"Nonsense, Duck. We've got it. It's not as much as it seems. Here, you take this wine up to Esme so she can let it breathe." Edward handed my two bottles of red wine with a kiss on my cheek before he turned me again to face the path. Alice was waiting on the porch for me and she kissed my cheek when I met her.

"Happy Christmas, Bella! I'm so glad you could come! Aren't you just so excited, love?"

"Merry Christmas, Alice! Yes, I'm excited to see how you guys celebrate!"

She clapped her hands excitedly and danced into the house, turning to open the door wider for me to pass. I entered the house and turned my back to Alice to take off my coat, spinning around once to give her the full effect of the outfit she had chosen.

"Oh, Bella it's simply smashing on you! I knew it would fit you perfect once I saw it. And the shoes, love. Do you love them?"

"I love it all, Alice! You're really good at this."

"Well I should be! I own a small fashion boutique here and in London and I'm a personal shopper on the side. You just happen to be the perfect customer to shop for." With that she winked and hung up my coat, leading me into the kitchen.

"Bella! I'm so glad you could make it! Are they missing you dreadfully at the shelter?"

I rightfully blushed at being called out as Alice smirked a little. Damn them for shouting about my lie.

"Um… no they're not missing me. I was an extra they wanted on hand just in case they didn't have enough people. It's fine. Thank you for having me in your home, it's gorgeous."

And it was. Everything was done in warm tones, welcoming and clean. Nothing was too opulent and but at the same time it was still as though someone had professionally decorated it. The kitchen had all stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops. The cabinets were a rich, deep cherry oak color. Esme had decorated the kitchen with small wreaths and beautiful candles flickering all around. Mistletoe hung in doorways, ready to attack unsuspecting couples who paused in its path.

"Well thank you dear! We're so glad that you can be with us! And now, don't think I haven't forgotten that you've promised us a song."

"Don't worry Mrs. Cullen; I'd be glad to sing some carols."

"Oh dear God above! Please, it's Esme, dear. Now, have you met Rosalie? She's a yank like yourself!"

I turned to the tall blonde that I hadn't noticed was in the corner chopping vegetables. She turned to me and I was stunned by her beauty. Her eyes were a crystal clear sky blue, her hair a golden yellow that fell in waves down her back. Her legs seemed to go on for miles under her dress and her lips were a deep fiery red.

"No, I don't think I have yet."

"Wonderful! Well, Bella, this is my daughter in law, Rosalie. Ugh I just hate that term. I'd call you my daughter dear, but it would just confuse people to say my son married my daughter!"

Rosalie laughed as she wiped her hands on her apron and walked over to me. She stuck out her hand as she walked, like a professional model down a runway.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Bella. Lord knows I've heard a lot about you."

I shook her hand and couldn't help but smile. She seemed a little bit more reserved than the rest of the Cullens, but she was still warm and inviting.

"All good things I hope. It's nice to meet you as well. Merry Christmas."

"Oh, of course! I'm sorry we couldn't see you sing in Church last night, but I was already sleeping when the plan was hatched. But I'm sure we'll hear a fair share of that voice this afternoon."

She winked before turning back to her vegetables and I noticed she was preparing a salad. I saw that Esme was stirring something at the stove while Alice sat at the counter with a glass of wine.

"Esme, is there anything I can help you with? I brought some dessert with me; it's in one of the bags Edward's bringing in."

"Oh, heavens no, dear! We're quite alright. Almost done actually. When Edward brings it in just pop it into the fridge and we'll be all set.

Esme smiled at me and began asking me questions to get to know me better, passing me a glass of wine. I don't drink a lot, so I slowly sipped the wine, not wanting to be rude while at the same time trying to stick to my principles. Edward walked into the room just as I was taking another sip. He passed me the desserts I had made and I slipped them into the fridge as Esme had said.

"Well, all the bags are in and set up under the tree there. What's next?"

"Oh, Edward you must show Bella around. Make sure you stop at the piano dear, maybe throw out a few tunes for us. We'll be eating in about a half hour, there's not much left to do. Make sure your father and Emmett are out of the den and ready to go by then."

Edward shows me the rest of the house, pausing in the den to pass along the message to Carlisle and Emmett. They both greet me warmly, Carlisle also telling me to call him by his first name. A large Christmas tree decked out in silvers and reds stands tall in the corner surrounded by gifts next to a large fire place. The french doors of the room are open and across the hall are another set that lead to a beautiful piano on a raised platform. There are sofas and lounge chairs around it, with large oak bookcases lining the walls. Edward shows me the study and the dining room, pausing to show me some of the bedrooms before taking me out onto the large balcony that has a beautiful view of the lake before us. By the time we're done seeing the house, it's time to eat.

The day passed wonderfully. The food was delicious, even the strange things Jasper made me try like haggis and boiled puddings. We ate the Tres Leches Cake and the apple and pumpkin pies I made among other things for dessert, Edward moaning about how good the cake was. Finally it was time to open gifts.

Emmett loved the flask I gave him, proceeding to pour his eggnog into it and drink only from it for the rest of the night. I blushed deeply because I hadn't really thought about giving him a flask that says _Cheers Mother Fuckers _in front of his parents, even though it did suit him to a T. He loved his snuggie and we all had to persuade him to wait until later to try on his new item of "Irish pride." Jasper also loved the gifts I gave him, The Bagel Bible was a hit and he said he couldn't wait to read it and he loved his Texas Longhorn apron. Carlisle was opening the gifts I had found for him, one was a group of a few medical journals and now he was opening the one I had picked on a whim.

The paper was pulled back and he lifted the lid of the nondescript box. He looked at what lay in front of him and then looked back up at me. He stroked the leather of the cover and, with the book still lying in the box, flipped open the cover to read the book's title. He looked up at me again and I felt my embarrassment creep up on me.

"I…umm… I don't know what religion you are and I didn't want to be presumptuous but I found this while I was looking around a bookstore and I just felt like it might be a good gift for you. If you don't like it or if I've offended you I'm terribly sorry… I don't…"

"Carlisle, what is it?"

Esme leaned over as she asked, trying to get a good look at what I'd given to her husband that left him so speechless.

"It's a leather-bound Bible, love. A beautiful copy at that. Thank you very much, Bella. My father was actually a pastor. I can tell you honestly that this will be put to good use."

I blushed at his words and opened my mouth, spewing more nonsense to try and ease the embarrassment I was feeling.

"My grandparents, my mother's parents, they died when I was very young but they left me a leather bound Bible much like that one with the inscription "To Guide You on Your Journey through Life." I thought that, you know, you being a doctor, you would um… You might need some guidance. Not that you're a bad doctor or that you need any advice or anything I'm just saying that…umm…"

"Thank you, Bella really. It's a lovely gift. Now, why don't you girls open your gifts from Bella?"

Alice squealed and began to pass the girls what I'd purchased for them. Rosalie loved the wine glass and said it suited her perfectly. I had given Alice a book about the history of shoes and another about 1950's fashion. Then they came to the gifts that made them all look up at me with eyebrows raised. Esme opened a box that held a quilt, as well as another that held a teal colored ceramic dish that you would put a candle in, with cut outs in the ceramic for the glow of the candle to come through. Alice and Rosalie found similar dishes in their boxes, all with little rubber bracelets that said "Fight Like a Girl."

I cleared my throat before explaining. All the gifts were teal in color. It didn't seem like anyone really understood, but Rosalie gave me a knowing look, one that held a little pity in it as well.

"My mother, she's no longer with us. She had ovarian cancer. It was really very hard on her. Usually this year I make a donation in her honor to Ovarian Cancer Research, but I thought that I'd buy your gifts instead from a website where the proceeds go to the cause. Esme, the quilt is one that's made by a survivor of cancer. Usually they only rent them out at events, but I had an in with the organization and someone made one for you to keep. I hope you like the colors. And all the proceeds for the candle holders and the bracelets go to Ovarian Cancer research. That's um… well I hope you like them. I know teal doesn't really go that great with everyone's décor but I figured you could always use it outside, of just stuff it somewhere, the money goes to the same place either way…"

Edward leaned over in his seat next to me on the couch and placed a soft kiss on my temple, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. The girls all thanked me for the thoughtful gifts and hugged me. They promised to use the candle holder even though it was a "difficult" color as Alice put it.

The gift exchange carried on much like that. Edward loved the bartending book I gave him. He bet me twenty dollars that he knew everything in that book. I took the bet, since that book was huge! He also loved the Guinness slippers I gave him, pulling them on while he laughed and told everyone about my "Sheep's arse" slippers. The Cullens also gave me very generous gifts. Esme gave me a few cookbooks and a gift certificate to a local bookstore that I loved. Carlisle gave me a gorgeous antique pen while Alice had given me a bunch of really fancy aprons and a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret, telling me my girls deserved a reward, making me blush a deep scarlet. Emmett and Rosalie had given me a gift certificate to get a few massages at the local spa when I was feeling better and my ribs could handle it, while Jasper tried to stealthily slip me a few of his secret recipes, one of them for his bagels and a few cream cheeses, telling me I was to take them to the grave and never show Edward. Both Jasper and Emmett gave me first aid kits with my gifts, one a student pack and one an "essentials." I tried to hide my laughter as I scowled at them, but I'm pretty sure I'd be using both of these. I will neither confirm nor deny my plan to keep the student kit in my purse. But I digress.

I was starting to nod off when Edward suggested that we head out. I still hadn't given him his gift so I suggested maybe spending some time at my place. Edward smiled and told me that we should go to his flat, since I needed a change of scenery.

We said our goodbyes and left with mass amounts of food. It was one of the best Christmases I'd ever had. I was sad to see that the day was over and I was very anxious about giving Edward his big gift. He hadn't given me anything yet which made me a little nervous as well. Not because I was expecting anything from him, I was hoping that he wouldn't give me anything, since it would just throw us more out of balance.

On the way to Edward's apartment it began to snow softly. The white glitter swirled around the car, dancing in spirals all over the place.

A half hour later we were sitting in Edward's sunken living room drinking hot chocolate and egg nog, not being able to decide between the two, we both had a mug of both, while Edward rubbed my feet and we watched the snow flutter down through the large window while the fire place roared. It was just like I imagined the night I stormed out of Edward's home. I smiled at the memory.

"What's got you so giddy, duck?"

I turned my head away from the fantasy scene and smiled upon the beautiful man before me.

"This. I pictured this the night I was here and I stormed out. The snow coming down and the fireplace blazing. It's better than I imagined. I never thought that I would ever get to experience it that night."

"Oi! You really put my balls in a blender that night! Thank God for your wallet or I never would have found you!"

Something clicked in my mind and I smirked.

"Edward?"

"Yes, duck?"

"Did my wallet fall out of my purse, or did you steal it?"

There was a moment of silence before he answered me.

"Love, I have dual citizenship in Ireland and England but I've got a United States green card. So I'm going to go with this: I plead the fifth."

I laughed so hard I cried at his speech. I would get the answer out of him eventually. Knowing him, he probably stole the wallet from my bag.

"Alright, dove. I've got your gift for you; do you want to open it, yes?"

I bit my lip and swallowed nervously. I really hoped that he hadn't spent too much money or given me anything extravagant. The bartending book had been a joke, but what I had given him didn't cost very much money since I already owned it, I just had to tweak it a little.

Edward laid a large, thin, square on my lap covered in silver paper. He held another smaller rectangle in his hand wrapped in the same paper. He passed me that.

"Here, open this smaller one first."

I smiled and slowly ripped off the paper to find a jewel CD case with a CD inside that said "Songs for Bella." I looked up at Edward to see him fidgeting.

"Um… Well, I made you that CD there. It's um… It's got a lot of songs that made me think of you. I… shit. I really like you, Bella. And I'd really like to take you out some time if you'd let me. I really hope that'd be ok with you."

The smile that I wore could have broken my face it was so big. I leaned over and gave Edward a hug.

"Thank you, Edward. Thank you for the CD and I… I would really like that. To go out with you, I mean." I blushed my signature blush as he pushed me to open the second package. I ripped off the paper and gasped at what lay on my lap.

"I know you bought a copy the other day, but this one is illustrated and it's really old. I don't think it's a first edition or anything but it's still in good shape."

He had given me _Peter Pan_. He had given me a beautiful, hand illustrated copy of _Peter Pan_. I knew now that my gift and the sentiment behind it were perfect. I looked up to see Edward looking at me with worry.

"Bella, duck, please don't cry, love. I didn't mean to upset you, duck. Come now, don't cry…I … shit I messed this up didn't I? I'm so sorry, duck. I didn't mean to hurt you-"

I pushed my finger to his lips to silence him. I smiled at him brightly before hugging him tightly to me. When I pulled back, his smile was radiant, and I'm sure my own matched his. He handed me one more package, one that was bigger than the rest.

"Edward, this is too much. I didn't get you anything near what you got me. You've already given me too much-"

"Stop. I made the CD and the book wasn't that expensive and I think this is something…I think ya might need this, duck."

I looked at him strangely before I tore away the paper. There in my lap sat five leather journals of different colors. All with blank, crisp pages waiting to be filled.

"I thought, you know, whatever had hurt you, you could write it. If you don't want to talk to someone, if you don't want to talk to me, you could just write down what you want to say, that way you get it out into the world. Ya know? That way you're not holding it all inside all of the time. Maybe get a little bit of the weight off of your shoulders."

I hugged him tightly again before getting up to get the small wrapped box from my purse. I walked back to where Edward sat and handed it to him.

"What's this?"

His face held confusion and a hint of worry from my tears. I wiped at my face, making sure to swipe under my eyes in case any makeup had decided to leave its intended place.

"This is for you. Open it and I'll explain. The book and the slippers were just a small gift. This is to say thank you."

He quickly snatched off the paper and peered into the box. The gold sat against a cotton cushion and glimmered in the dim light. I had it polished when I had taken it to get the chain fixed.

"It belonged to my father. He's… gone now. But this was his. When I was younger, he told me that when I found a good man to give him a cross necklace, so that…h-everyone would know. So that everyone would know he was a good man. You really are a good man, Edward. You've gone out of your way to help someone you don't really know and I thought this was the best way to thank you. I got the chain fixed, it had…been broken. And I got it polished. It's big enough to have something small engraved on it if you want but you don't have to…and… ummm… yeah."

He looked from the cross pendant to me and back again. Back and forth he kept looking, silently. Before he got up, looked me in the eye and knelt down next to where I sat.

"Bella, this is too much. I can't-"

"Please. Please take it. You don't know what it means to me…It's just sitting in my jewelry box doing nothing…please."

He looked into my eyes and nodded. Turning so that I could clasp the cross around his neck. He turned back and stared into my eyes again. He got a determined look on his face, before he gently brought his hand to the back of my neck; he tilted my head and leaned down.

Then he kissed me. I stayed still for a half an instant, tense and unsure of what to do, before I brought my hands up to his hair and kissed him back. A part of me, the part that was all about self preservation was screaming for me to run as far as I could from this. But another part of me could only think about how this felt, that other part could only comprehend how safe it felt in these arms, with this man's lips on my, showing me that he cared. I was scared and ecstatic. I was anxious and excited. I was everything and nothing. It was the kind of feeling that made the rest of the world slowly just melt away…

I don't know how long we kissed, but after a while, Edward pulled me down off the couch I was sitting on into his lap on the plush white rug, never breaking the kiss. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity and a second all at once, he let my lips go, but held onto me tightly.

And I prayed to whoever would listen that I had made the right choice.

But before I could worry anymore, I felt Edward's lips press into my hair once again, and my eyes began to droop. I was falling asleep on Edward in front of his beautiful fireplace with the snow dancing in front of my eyes.

Edward started playing with my hair and then fell into the game of questions we played so very often.

"If you had to pick one place to live forever where would it be?"

Right here.

* * *

**AN: wooooo. **

**are you tired?**

**cause I am. that was difficult. I apologize for the delay but i was obsessive about making the chapter good and right and nice. so? what do you think? click that lil button down there and let me know. **

**First matter of business:**

**I got a review from someone that was annoymous thus I would like to address what was said:**

**the repetitive nature of "nooking" was meant as a sort of comedic relief. there's some heavy stuff in here and it's only going to get heavier, so I'm going to try and add in some things that will make you giggle, chuckle, laugh, and/or look at the screen like i'm insane. If you didn't think it was funny, I guess I'm not as good at comedic writing as I thought! hehe Let me know if you think I can write some more silly moments in a better way, or what you would like to see. The repetitive of beautiful, i was trying to drive the point home. That was a very important thing to Bella from her mother. She's confused about some of what her mom told her, and she's just saying it how it makes sense to her. Plus, Bella's mom was not a very super wordy person. She used beautiful because that word worked. Renee is not gonna run out and buy a thesaurus just so she doesn't sound like a broken record. again, sorry if i didn't succeed with my intended purpose. erm, i just addressed the beautiful and the nook ones but if you think i'm still being super repetative LET ME KNOW! that's what the review button's for love. ;) I'm not trying to be a bitch, but you left it annoymous and i just wanted to kind of explain some of the things you mentioned. Ok. Thank you for loving the story and for still reading! here is the update you wished for! (it's like magic isn't it?) Keep reading and i hope you like what you see! if its still really repetative, let me know! And i agree, movie Bella stuttered like a fool, and i wasn't aware that she stuttered that much in this story! i will work to end the stutterage. Though I like me some stuttering Edward, cause him nervous and all worked up is just entertaining. ;) thanks for reviewing! **

**Another matter of business: Many thanks again to my Beta Musegirl who probably wanted to murder me because it took me so long to actually get her chapter nine and then when i gave it to her i wrote her another e-mail saying i was changing stuff. So thanks for you wonderous patience and Chapter 10 is on its way. I mean it this time. Seriously. I'm not lying. Not even a little bit.  
**

**And now, my fair readers, we come to the bribery portion of this event:**

**I would like more reviews and favorites and alerts and all that me, that's how I know people are liking my story, ya dig? Thus, me being a review whore, I am going to bribe you. that's right kids. you scratch my back, I scratch yours. and if you don't want me to do this, tell me and i will completely back off! i just kinda want to know that i'm not writing for just like 12 people. even if those 12 people are insanely awesome and i love them to death and want to send them all baked goods. (unless they have food allergies. then i would send them glutten free baked goods or adjust as such to suit their needs.) SO! here's what's going down:**

**in exchange for more reviews:**

**i will write an EPOV of your choosing. You can let me know what you want to see in Edward's eyes and i'll post a poll with the ideas and you all can vote on it. I'm hoping to get up to 100 reviews. Is that too much to ask? and then if you give me 50 more after that, BAM! another EPOV. Yes? No? Too much? let me know. **

**what else chickadees, what else? as always, the polyvore is set and ready to go! there are more than one sets made up for this chapter boys and girls, i believe there are 3. I'm not positive on that number though. At the very least there are 2. Chapter 10 is going to have like 12. (that's a random number i picked and it may not really have 12. in fact it won't have 12. 3 or 4 is a more accurate number. just saying.)umm... YEAH! so. **

**As a peace offering since i made you all wait so very long, here is an (un-beta-ed) sneak peak into chapter 10. K, you already know this is happening so I'm not really giving anything out that you don't know. You'll still know before everyone else. ;)**

**Enjoy! (then review.) **

One Street Over Chapter 10 Preview:

_I whirled around and punched him in the face._

_Just like Phil taught me._

_Thumb tucked, follow through with the body, right foot planted, swing with your weight, and BAM!  
_

_I may have broken his nose._

_"You want to fight dirty. Then let's fight dirty." _

**Ooooohhhh so many questions, so many answers, chapter 10 is coming soon!** **(just FYI that blurb is subject to change since it hasn't been pre-read and depending on if my lovely Beta and I like how if flooooooows. ;) )**

**So, go forth and prosper, lovelies! and leave me some love!**

**xoxo**

**Mo  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: IMPORTANT:**

**PLEASE READ AUTHOR'S NOTE BELOW! **

**Note: i don't own anything, except a used copy of and Edgar Allen Poe story in spanish i bought for 4 pesos. ;)  
**

* * *

"Bella…"

The tone of his voice and a quick glance at him made me look away from the movie we were watching and put down my take-out before turning to fully face him.

"Edward…"

I mimicked his tone when I saw that his expression looked like he was about to face the death sentence; in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"I was wondering…"

I waited for him to continue.

But that was it. He stopped talking and shoved a chopstick full of lo mein into his mouth. When he swallowed, I spoke before he could continue to eat, curiosity driving me a little insane.

"You were wondering?"

He shook his head and let out a deep breath noisily.

"Iwaswonderingifyou'dfancyhavingsupperwithme. Inarestraunt. Likeadate. Alone."

Umm…what?

"I got 'Alone.' That's it. Could you repeat that a tad slower, please?"

He took another deep breath and looked anywhere but at me. When he finally started talking, he was staring straight up at the ceiling.

"I said: 'I was wondering…I wondered… if you'd fancy having supper with me."

I was confused. I looked around us. We had Chinese takeout littered across his coffee table; fortune cookies, packets of sauce, and open cartons with chopsticks stuck in them made a small village on his usually clean and neat coffee table. We had a movie that was just released playing on the television. Was this not dinner? Was supper different from dinner? Did he want me to leave and come back for…lunch?

"Do you want me to leave? I mean if you want to have lunch tomorrow we can do that. We didn't have to have dinner tonight…"

Edward was looking at me with a look of confusion on his face that I was sure matched my own.

"What?"

"You asked me if I wanted to have supper with you, I mean if you didn't want to have dinner with me you could have told me to wait until lunch tomorrow or we could have done it another time."

"Bella, I'm not following you."

"I'm not following me either! You asked if I wanted to have supper, but we're having dinner so I'm asking if you're asking if you want me to leave and come back for supper, or lunch, or something!"

"No, Bella. Supper and dinner are the same things."

What?

"Ok. So you're asking me if I'd like to have supper, but we're essentially having supper slash dinner right now? That's what we're doing right? We're eating supper slash dinner? I don't understand the question. Can I phone a friend?"

"What? Why do you need to phone a friend? Who are you phoning? I mean, if you have to ring someone the go ahead. I can step out of the room for a bit if you'd like?"

"Wait. What?"

"You asked if you could phone a friend, I'm asking if you want me to step out of the room while you do it."

"No, no! Like phone a friend, on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire."

"I don't know, who wants to be a millionaire?"

"No, I'm not asking. I'm talking about the game show. 'I think I'll phone a friend, Regis.' 'Can I poll the audience, Regis?' You know?"

"No, who's Regis? Is that who you're going to ring?"

"No, Edward! I'm not calling anyone! It's an expression. Jeez! Regis is the host of a game show called Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. They ask you trivia questions. If you don't know the answer to a question you can phone a friend."

"Oh. So wait. Then will you have supper with me?"

"UGH! I thought that's what we're doing right now?"

He looked at me like I was insane.

"No. I mean yes. But no…"

"That clears things up."

He sighed and shook his head before continuing.

"We're having supper, yes. But I was asking if you'd like to have supper with me at a restaurant. Like…on a date?"

Oooooooooohhhhhhh!

Oh.

Whoa.

Shit.

"Um… Edward… you don't want to date me. You…you really, really don't. I'm not… I'm not whole."

"Bella…I'm not asking you to marry me. Listen, do you like spending time with me?"

"Yes…"

His smile lit up the room and I couldn't help but smile back at him. I tried to remember my decision to let Edward help me. But would dating him help me? Would that give me what I needed? Was this too fast though? I was so confused.

"Ok. You like spending time with me. Do you like kissing me?"

I blushed. It was only two days after Christmas and we had spent all that time spending it with each other. Edward snuck in kisses at a moment's notice, while I ordered Chinese, picking out a movie at the rental place, walking down the street. I did enjoy it, probably too much.

"Yes."

My voice was no greater than a whisper.

"Then really, this 'date' would only be a technicality. Because, if we're being honest here, Bella, we're technically already dating. We just haven't put that label on it yet, love."

Oh.

Oh, shit.

He was right.

And I wasn't ready.

"Edward…everything we do…I mean you make me… I feel…I don't feel numb when I'm with you. I feel things…things that don't hurt. Things that make the things that hurt me go away. Not only that but… you make me feel good. Really good. But… I'm scared. I've never been with anyone before, Edward."

I blushed deeper at this admission. How had we gone from insane rambling to this heavy discussion?

"Bella, it doesn't matter if you've never had a bloke be your boyfriend or whatever…"

"No, Edward. You don't understand what I'm saying. I had a boyfriend…he just sucked at being aboyfriend...but um… shit how do I say this. Edward. I've never held a…bloke's hand before. Ok? So…other _things_ I haven't done either. You know?"

Comprehension dawned on his face as his eyes widened comically.

"You mean you're… you're a um… uh… your safety seal is still…uh... intact?"

"Wait. What? My safety seal?"

"Yeah…you know…like a bottle of pills? It has a safety seal and the bottle says if the safety seal is broken not to buy them or take the pills because they've been contaminated."

"Whoa! If I had had sex with someone I would _not_ be contaminated, Edward Cullen. I think that is a pretty shitty thing to say."

"No! No! I didn't mean that… no I mean… tampered with! The bottles get tampered with! If you had…umm… been…with another bloke…I mean I wouldn't like it, but um… you wouldn't be contaminated. You know? Shit, that doesn't sound any better. I have a bottle of Tylenol in the loo, I can go get it and you can read it so you know what I mean?"

"No. I get it. It's fine. I'm sorry I misunderstood you. But um… yeah. My _safety seal_ is still uhh…it's still sealed. I'm still…safe? I don't know where I going with this metaphor, Edward…"

"No! No! Its fine I get it! Ok. So. You're still…safe. Right. Ummm…"

He took another deep breath, but this time he looked me right in the eye, holding my chin so I couldn't look away.

"Bella…I would never make you do anything you didn't want to do. I'm a patient guy, Bella. But, love, I want to be with you. I want to snog you whenever I want. I want to take you across the pond, back home to England and Ireland and show you where I grew up. I want us to live together because I can't sleep well without you, duck. I…well… I believe you're it for me, Bella. And I'd really fancy a date with you."

"Edward…I'm still scared. And I'm sorry I'm making this so hard on you, but I would hate to lose you. And…I dealt with a lot of heavy stuff. And I have a lot if trust issues. If you really mean what you say…if you really mean it…then you have to show me. Because, to me at least, actions always speak louder than words. If you mean everything you just said, you have to show me."

He smiled softly at me before he spoke.

"Bella? I'll show you the world if that's what you want. I'll show you everything. I'll show you, duck. Don't worry."

I smiled and then looked down at my carton of lo mein and started playing with it with my chopsticks. I couldn't believe I was about to have this conversation with this man. But this was one thing that we needed to get out of the way if he really wanted to be with me. I was afraid he wouldn't want me after this.

"The thing is…umm…Edward. I've had some um… some not so fun times in life and uhh…one of those things made me umm…I'm going to be uh…_safe_ until there's a ring on my finger. Then, whoever's last name takes the place of the one I have now he can um… break my safety seal? This is a disgusting metaphor. We need a new one."

I was hoping that my swift change in topic would make Edward not focus so much on what I had said. Because if he wasn't ok with that, then this would be a deal breaker, and our friendship probably wouldn't last the awkwardness that would follow this conversation.

"Bella, I said I would wait. And I will. I already told you that I think you're it for me. I'd…I'd really like to uh…be that guy…whose last name you have. Eventually, I mean. I'm not asking you now."

And…

He was perfect. Every word out of his mouth was perfect. I set my noodles down on the coffee table among the other cartons, and I sat myself in his lap. I held onto him tightly and he kissed my forehead with a feather light touch, almost like he was afraid I would shatter at any moment. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and just held me. There was no other place I'd rather be than right there.

"Edward?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"That was the worst ask a girl out speech I've ever heard."

He laughed loudly and buried his face, which I'm sure was red, into my hair.

"I know. Does mean you want me to do it again? Do you want to go on a date?"

"No."

His head shot up at that.

"You don't want to go on a date?"

"No, I do want to go on a date; I don't want you to ask me again. I liked how you asked me. It was pretty funny."

There was a beat of silence before he spoke again.

"Want an eggroll?"

"Hell yes."

The best way to a girl's heart, her stomach. He was a smart, smart man.

We stayed like that the rest of the night, me in Edward's lap, snuggled up while we ate Chinese and watched movies and mindless TV.

And so the days went on. Edward hadn't said anything specific about the date, but I was just happy to move along doing whatever we were doing. We spent time at Duffy's, we hung out at the bookstore, I spent more time with Alice and Rose while Edward was with the boys. New Year's Eve was tomorrow and I was not looking forward to it. Alice was planning a big bash at her and Jasper's row house, but I had declined. New Year's Eve was the anniversary of my mother's death. Five years ago I lost my mother and my stepfather in a drunk driving accident. One day I would be able to celebrate New Year's again, just…not tomorrow. Edward had wanted me to be his date for Alice's party and getting out of going was not easy.

"Why don't you want to go, love?"

"It's just that New Year's Eve isn't something I celebrate. I don't like crowds very much, and parties aren't really my thing."

"Bella, I'll be with you the whole time. I have to go because it's Alice's party and the whole family's going to be there. I know they'd all love to see you, duck. Please say you'll go."

"I…I can't, Edward. Please, one day I'll explain it but please. Tomorrow isn't going to be good for me. I just won't be able to do much tomorrow. I can't go to that party. I'm sorry, I don't want to disappoint you. Please understand."

He sighed and looked out the window. We were sitting in my apartment this time, waiting for Emmett and Jasper and their wives to come hang out with us. I was growing more anxious with every passing second of his silence.

"Please, Edward."

I wasn't sure what I was asking him for then, but I knew that he would give it to me. He turned to me and smiled faintly before pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"Don't worry, duck. I'll go tomorrow and then I'll come back here for my midnight kiss. We can spend the day together if you'd fancy that?"

"Um…would you mind terribly if I wanted to be alone for tomorrow, Edward? I want you to come for your kiss…but can you just give me tomorrow? I'll call you, I swear."

He sighed again and looked out the window before nodding. He got up and smiled at me before moving to answer his siblings' knock on my door.

And now the day has come. And it sucks. It sucks so much. I slept in as late as I could, wishing that the day would just pass over and that at twelve o'clock Edward would be here with a kiss that would make everything better. I had some music my mother had loved playing in the background. Bruce Springsteen, Meatloaf, Jackson Browne, The Eagles, Rod Stewart, The Spoons, and so many other singers I grew up listening to.

I spent the day wallowing; eating my mom's favorite foods, looking at pictures and watching old videos we had. I laughed until I cried when I watched a video of my mom, stepdad and I on paddle boats at a park we had taken when we traveled to South America. Once I started crying, I couldn't really stop. The sharp pain of my mother's absence was with me all day, like someone had stabbed me in the heart. It burned and ached and I cried more than ever. I cried for my stepfather, and for my mother and for me. I cried for what they would miss and for my life without them.

The day passed by, slowly but surely it passed by, and before I knew it, the darkness outside had surrounded me. I got up and walked to my closet, pulling out an old shoebox. A bunch of things that belonged to my family were in here, but there was one thing in particular that I knew I needed to see. I took my time and looked at every item in the box. Baby pictures, wedding pictures, memories, ticket stubs, playbills, paintings and an assortment of other things cluttered the boot-sized shoebox. Finally, there was one thing left in the box and there was no delaying it any longer.

I picked up the envelope and pulled out the contents before taking a deep breath and starting to read.

_Dear Bella,_

_My baby girl. Isabella Marie, I don't know how to put into words what I want to say to you. You were always the one who was good with words, baby, I'm the one that knows how to spread some paint around. I was diagnosed with cancer today, Bella. Ovarian cancer, the same thing that killed your grandmother. I'm going to try, baby. I'm going to try as hard as I can to beat it, but even then it's still not a guarantee that I'll make it out of this one alive._

_Baby, I don't want to write you a long letter. I'm writing this because, one day, I won't be here anymore. It might be sooner than I planned, and I want to give you the advice I might have to give you years down the line. If I'm not here, I can't give you the advice, that's what this letter is for. Read it whenever you need to, honey. I'll always be with you; I'll always be waiting to see you again. _

_Bella, I know you've seen so many terrible things in this world, more things than any one person deserves to see. And, I'm sure, if you're reading this letter, then things may have gotten worse. I'm sorry for that. I never wanted to add to your pain. But listen, Bella, you've been through so much, especially with your father, but baby, you can't let that rule your life. You've got to move on from that. It's not going to be easy, I know, sweetheart. But you've got to do it, or you'll spend your whole life wondering 'What if?' You'll miss out on great opportunities if you're afraid of living, Bella. And that's what I want you to do. I want you to live, for me, Bella. I want you to open your heart to the world and embrace all the good there is. Don't focus on the evil, baby. Open your eyes and see that not everything around you is a shade of grey. There are so many colors in the world, Bella, and you can see them. You just have to open your eyes._

_I don't want you to be afraid to love, Bella. I want you to love, and have love, and be loved. I want you to have someone who you can laugh and cry with. I want you to have happiness. Don't be afraid to let another person in, Bella. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. You may get hurt, but you know what? It won't kill you. It will make you stronger. It will make that last love worth everything; make it worth every stumble and fall you had to take to get where you are. Love the one who makes you feel like you're standing on top of the empire state building, and you're ready to jump, because you know that at the bottom, they'll be there to catch you._

_Be great, Bella. Never settle. Make something beautiful, and show the world how fantastic you are. Work hard, and take the time to relax and enjoy life, too. Make friends, do what makes you happy, laugh. Make sure you always laugh, Bella. There is no greater medicine and no greater joy in life than laughter. _

_I love you, Bella. I love you so much. I'm sorry I'm not there to see you live your life. I'm sorry if I'm not there when you get your doctorate degree, or your masters or to see you graduate from college. I'm sorry if I'm not there to gush about your first love, and your last love. I'm sorry if I'm not there to jump up and down with you when you have a pretty, diamond ring on the ring finger of your left hand. I'm sorry if I'm not there to buy a pretty white gown with you. I'm sorry if I'm not there to watch you walk down the aisle and say 'I do.' I'm sorry if I'm not there when you get pregnant with you first, second, third or fourth child. I'm sorry for all the things you'll have to do without a mother. I hope that I can beat this, and that this letter never has to see the light of day. But I can't make that promise. I love you, Bella, and I'll be waiting until we meet again. _

_I made something beautiful in this world, Bella. It wasn't all those paintings. It wasn't all the crafts and songs. It was you. You were my something beautiful, Bella. It's why I gave you that name and why I've always been proud of you. _

_Love forever,_

_Mom_

The tears streamed down my face as I read the letter for the millionth time. But for some reason, reading it this time had a different impact on me.

_Don't be afraid to let another person in…_

_I don't want you to be afraid of love, Bella…_

_Make something beautiful…_

_Don't be afraid to live life…_

I thought about how I had spent my day. I thought about all the things my mother loved about life. I thought about how my mother lived her life. That's when I realized that my mom would be disgusted if she say what I was doing. She would be furious that I'm dedicating a whole day to being miserable because of something I couldn't control. She would lecture me tirelessly about the importance of living each day to the fullest, and then would ask if today was anywhere near full. It wasn't. My day had been empty, in honor of my mother I lived an empty day. She'd be livid, not only with how I had spent my day, but with how I had been living my life these past few years.

I understood what she was telling me. I heard her speaking each written word and I knew what she wanted from me. I knew what _I _wanted from me. I wanted to live, really live. I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I didn't want to hide. I wanted to take chances. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to see the colors my mother spoke about.

And holy shit…

I love Edward.

I don't know how I went from my epiphany of what I wanted out of my life to that conclusion, but it all just made sense to me. I wanted all these things, but I hadn't realized it until Edward came along. Edward seemed to just fit. I love Edward.

I looked at the clock and saw it was ten o'clock. That left me with plenty of time. I raced to my closet and looked inside, finding a dress that Alice had thrown to me saying, "Just in case." I grabbed a pair of heels I had and raced to the bathroom. I took a record-breaking shower and rushed to fix my hair and make-up. I must have spent a half hour alone just making the curls in my hair perfect. I grabbed a clutch, shoved my essentials in it and threw on my coat. I made sure I had everything and then I was dashing out of my apartment and down the stairs. I ran up the street until I could hail a cab and told him where I needed to go.

I was going to find Edward. I was going to find him before he left to give me our midnight kiss. I was going to grow a pair and tell him how I felt. I was going to be alive and happy and laugh. The smile on my face probably made me look like I was crazy, but I didn't care. I felt light and giddy, and I didn't think anything could take this feeling away.

I finally got to Alice's house and threw a bunch of bills at the cabbie, and raced up the steps to her house. I rang the doorbell impatiently and when Alice finally opened the door she squealed and pulled me into a huge hug.

"Oh goodness, Bella! It's so good to see you! You have to see Emmett, he's absolutely pissed. He keeps making a go at Rose but she's not having it. I'm so glad you changed your mind and came! How are you, love?"

I laughed and it felt so good.

"I'm fantastic, Alice. The best I've been in a while."

Alice ushered me into the house and I couldn't help but crane my head around, searching for a glimpse of deep green eyes or copper locks. Alice led me to her family and greetings were exchanged but I couldn't calm down enough to properly socialize. I wanted to find Edward and I wanted to find him _now_. After a few minutes of talking I huffed and then sighed, disappointed that he was nowhere to be seen.

"Love, your boy's upstairs somewhere, moping I imagine. A pretty young thing didn't want to be his date to a certain party and it got his knickers in a twist."

Alice winked at me and gave me a shove.

"Well, go on. We don't need you here!"

I kissed her cheek and took off across the room, excitement coursing through my veins. I had a little less than an hour until midnight. There was plenty of time to talk to Edward and be together at midnight.

I walked up the stairs, anxious to see Edward. I started towards the study, knowing that he was more likely to be there than any other room. I heard noises coming from inside, noises that seemed as though they should be private. The grunts and sighs and the sound of skin slapping against skin made me blush as I started to walk away, when I heard something that made me stop and turn back.

"Mmmm…harder, Edward. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God! _Yessssss. Ugh._ Mmm…so good, Eddie. More. Please, Eddie. "

No…

No…he wouldn't…

He said…

I opened the door to the study and sincerely wished I hadn't.

I took in the sight in front of me and the smell that filled the air. Sex. Pure, animalistic sex lingered in the air like humidity. I could feel it all around me, moving in and out of my lungs, coating them, making it hard to breathe. There he was, standing behind Tanya Denali, moving in and out of her without a care in the world, his hand gripped in her unmistakable bright fire red hair. He hadn't noticed I'd opened the door. He hadn't noticed the tears streaming down my face. And he didn't notice when I turned and walked away.

I ran back down the stairs away from the study, sobs shaking my entire frame. I pushed my way through the crowd of bodies, my anxiety heightening, my breath coming in quick gasps. Lingering pain in my ribs made itself known but I ignored it and focused on escape. I thrashed through the bodies that surrounded me. I felt hands on my face and tried to twist my way out of them.

"Bella, Bella, love, stop! Stop, Bella! What happened, Bella? What happened?"

I turned towards Alice, who was looking at me with so much concern in her eyes.

And I snapped.

I brushed her hands off my face and shook my head, tears still falling fast.

"What happened? What happened? I'll tell you what happened! What happened was your brother, your stupid brother made me love him. He kissed me on Christmas and he hasn't stopped since. He's been sweet and caring and understanding. I told him I didn't want to come tonight, and I had a good freaking reason. I had an exceptional reason why I didn't want to come to this party. And you know what he does? He tells me he understands, he tells me it's ok, he tells me not to," I paused as a sob ripped through my body, and I struggled to gasp for air before continuing, "he tells me not to… not to…_worry_ about it. But right now, he's upstairs in your study with his cock buried inside Tanya Denali! Is there any other way I can interpret that? Is there any other way that I can interpret that your brother, because I didn't want to go to a party on _the anniversary of my mother's death_, is fucking some other girl when he told me he wanted to date me? When he told me that he thought I was it for him? When he told me that he would wait for me? No. No, you can tell him to go to hell."

The concern in her eyes turned to rage. Then they softened again as she gazed at me and she hugged me close to her. I was still too angry to return it, but when she pulled back I barely listened to what she said.

"…call you a cab… fucking rip his balls off… Call me when you… If I don't hear from you… I'll be at your flat." Then she was gone. And so was I.

I didn't wait for her to call a cab.

I didn't wait for her to go give Edward hell.

I didn't wait for Edward to come running to me to explain.

I ran.

I ran all the way back to my apartment and when I finally got up the stairs and inside all I could do was pace. Tears were causing my makeup to form rivers down my face. I was furious, I was hurt, I was devastated, I was livid. So I paced. My heels clicked delecatly along the floor, my feet aching, each step causing more pain. But I couldn't stop. I was like a caged animal, I had nowhere to go. I didn't know what to do, so I kept walking, back and forth. So many thoughts raced through my mind. Every little action since I had met Edward flashed through my head and was analyzed and it all kept coming back to the scene I had walked in on. It all kept coming back to the fact that his actions were inexcusable. It all came back to the fact that he didn't want me like I wanted him. It all came back to the hurt.

I was still crying and pacing when I heard the pounding on my door. I didn't know how long I had been walking through my apartment or how much time had passed since I left Alice's. But I knew that I didn't want to answer that door. A voice began to accompany the pounding and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

"Bella? Bella! Are you there? Open the door! _Please!_ Please let me explain, Bella!"

I froze.

Oh, _hell no_.

I looked at the door with as much hate as I could muster and before I could stop myself, I was across the room with the door wide open.

And I slapped him across the face.

Hard.

There was a large red mark forming as he looked at me in shock, before I started in on him.

"You want to explain yourself? You want to explain to me what I just saw? Well, let me_ explain_ something to you, _Eddie. _There is no way that you can explain banging another girl after you've been spending all your free time with me. After you've been kissing me. After you've been telling _me _that you want to date _me_. After you said you'd be willing to _wait _for me. You're pretty patient aren't you?"

"Bella, you have to let me-"

"I don't _have_ to _let _you do _anything. _Do you know what you've done? I told you, _just a few days ago,_ that to me, actions spoke louder than words. What do you think your actions say to me, Edward? Huh? Am I just another piece of ass to you? Am I another conquest? Hmmm? Is this all some sort of a challenge? Obtain the unobtainable?"

He looked at me like he wanted to protest.

"Bella that's not-"

"Will you shut your mouth for 5 goddamn seconds, you stupid son of a bitch!"

His eyes widened and his mouth snapped shut. He had never heard me talk like that to anyone. He was right to look afraid. I was pissed. I was beyond livid.

"You're so focused on what you're going to say to me that you're not listening to the words that are coming out of my mouth. Do you have any idea of what I've been through today? Do you? Do you even know what today is? No. You wouldn't be able to. You couldn't possibly know what today is. But I'll tell you. Today for me is _hell. _Pure and utter hell. And you decide to go and put the cherry on top of it all and _have sex with another girl because I wouldn't go to a party with you! _Would you have told me, Edward? Hmm? Would you have told me that you had fucked another girl, a former employee, from behind, if I hadn't walked in on you doing it? Or would you have kept it from me? Do you know how much of a fool you made me out to be? Do you? Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me? No. _Do not _touch me."

I held my hands in front of me and backed up as he made to comfort me.

"Bella, love, I know this isn't going to sound right, but I'm trying to help my case. _Technically, _we weren't really together. So, _technically, _I didn't even cheat-"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I stared at him incredulously.

And then I punched him in the face.

Just like Phil taught me.

Thumb tucked but not under the fingers, follow through with the body, right foot planted, swing with your weight.

I may have broken his nose.

"Bloody hell! Oh, Bollocks!"

He continued to cuss as he held onto his face. I walked up to him and began to poke him in the chest as I talked, ignoring the fact that he was bleeding and obviously in pain.

"Don't you dare. Don't you _dare_. You're going to try to get out of what you did by bringing up _technicalities? _No. _Fuck you. You_ wanted to be with _me_. _You_ asked _me_ on a date. _You_ worked to try to win _me_ over. _You_ told _me_ that _you_ would wait for _me, _that _you_ would give _me_ all the time_ I_ needed. _You_ told _me _that _you_ would show _me _how _you_ felt so that _I _would know _you_ were truthful and trustworthy. And then _you_ fucked another girl!"

I laughed humorlessly before continuing.

"You want to fight dirty, Edward? Then let's fight dirty. Do you want to know what today was, Edward? Hmm? Do you want to know the reason I couldn't come to that party, so that you had to go drown your sorrows in someone else's pussy? Today is December thirty first, Edward. The anniversary of my mother's death."

A look of shock registered on his face and then he had the decency to look ashamed. It wouldn't help him at all, not now. I was far too angry at this point. He had betrayed my trust.

"That's right, the anniversary of my mother's and stepfather's deaths. I lost two of the most important people in my life on this day. They were hit by a goddamn drunk driver. My mother was killed instantly. Phil held on a little longer, but that's in his nature I suppose, he was always a fighter. And do you want to know the best part? Do you, Edward? They were on their way back from the hospital. She had just been released and her cancer had just been declared to be in remission. And she was hit by a drunk driver. He got to live, the driver. He got away with vehicular homicide and is alive and in jail. He might parole one day. And I was on the phone for the whole thing. I heard my mother take her last goddamned breath. I heard the sound of plastic and metal crushing and closing in on itself. I heard my parents' screams. I heard their sobs. I heard my stepfather begging my mother to come back to him, I heard him telling her how much he loved her. I heard him when he stopped talking, then I heard when he stopped breathing. I heard the ambulances come too late with their stretchers and flashing lights and sirens. I heard the cops that said they'd need the jaws of life to get their _bodies _out. I heard them declared dead on the scene. I heard _everything. _I heard them die_. _

"So that's why I didn't go to the party with you, Edward. Because today is the day my mother died. Five years to the day. Betcha feel real hot right about now. How's that post-coital glow going for ya? Do you feel like shit yet? Hmm? Was fucking that girl worth it? Because there is nothing, _nothing,_ you can do to get my trust back. You are disgusting."

I could hear people in other apartments around me on the streets below us start to countdown the last minute until midnight.

_58, 57, 56!_

"Bella, love-"

_53, 52, 51, 50, 49!_

"Don't! Do not call me that. You don't know what that word means. It may mean nothing to you, it may be a silly pet name that you use because you're British and everyone just throws it around over there like it's nothing. I don't. Do not use it if you do not mean it. And your actions have shown that you cannot even begin to fathom the concept of love, or respect. So don't. Do not use that word in reference to me."

_30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25!_

"Bella, I was…I had a few drinks and I-"

_22, 21, 20!_

"Get. Out."

He looked shocked that I wouldn't hear him out and I had once again cut him off, but his excuses were not simply hurting his cause instead of helping him, but they were opening old wounds he didn't even know existed.

"Bella,_ please!"_

_15, 14, 13! _

"Get out of my home. Do not come back. I mean it."

_10!_

He looked at me while I stood my ground and held his gaze.

_9!_

Tears were streaming down my face and the look on his face was heartbreaking, but he deserved to hurt. He deserved the pain he put on me, in addition to all the pain I already carried around with  
me.

_8!_

He made to move towards me again, but I backed away from him, warning him with my eyes.

_7!_

He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets.

_6!_

He turned and walked to my door.

_5!_

He turned back as he was about to close the door behind him.

_4!_

"I'm sorry, Bella."

_3!_

He closed the door behind him. He was gone.

_2!_

I was alone.

_1!_

I fell to the ground and let the sobs rip through my body.

_Happy New Year!_

The cheers and laughter, songs and toasts rang out all around me, but I stayed curled up on my hard, cold wood floor, my gym bag forgotten, and cried, wishing I could just make all these feelings go

away.

* * *

**AN: Ok.**

**I want everyone to take a deep breath, and step away from their knives. Let me explain:**

**Now, yes, this really happened. Edward did the not-so-horizontal tango with Tanya. But let me explain something to you, my lovely readers, before you write a review with words you might regret:**

**In this story, for it to work how I want it to, Bella needs to believe that she's lost Edward forever. This has a happy ending, i swear, the category this story is in is Romance. so don't worry about that. ok? let me explain it. Similar to when Bella lost Edward in New Moon, she needs to think that he's really gone, never coming back, a she'll be broken and alone forever kind of a thing. And this is where the story led me. A very, very large part of me didn't want to write this. Musegirl herself wanted to stab me. And i did go back and forth a lil bit over whether maybe E should just make out iwth another girl or if this extreme action was necessary. And i think this extremeness (which is probably not a word) is what is needed. I knew that E would do something with another girl and that B would see, that was never up for negotiation. It's a large, large part of the story. It's a large catalyst for what happens in a few chapters because a certain action happens in this stroy that if E hadn't done what he did, B would have pushed him away. So that's a large part of why I wrote this. I think of my characters as real people who's actions I can imagine in certain situations. So for the happily ever after to happen, there's needs to be some "i want to kick this author's ass." Bella needs to think she's lost Edward forever so that she can really trust him fully. Now I know that makes no sense. And it won't for another few chapters. But just sit tight and all will be revealed. This isn't an alternate universe scene by scene Twilight remake. its a story that i'm using the twilight characters in. So please, don't hate me too much! 3 Think about the happy first part of the story! did any of you like that part? **

**and to the annon reviewer who said i made Bella stutter a lot and i said i really didn't, i thought you meant in regards to like sttttttt-uttttteerrrrr. like on one word, then I realized you meant when I write "but ... i mean... I guess what I want to... I mean to say.." which, i do do a lot. and now i want to do less. so thanks for pointing that out. for some places its still needed and has worked well. I'll try not to do it in excess.;)**

**So the polyvore will be up right after I post this. You can check out all the New Year's outfits and a lot of other lovely things. I didn't post that before posting the chap this time because it would have revealed too much. **

**Next chapter we'll have some Edward POV. It's not going to be as long as these past couple of chapters have been, it's actually very short, but my lovely and fabulous beta already has it in her inbox and I'm already working on chapter 12. A big huge thank you to musegirl who really helped a lot with this chapter and making it the best it could be! **

**Now, let me know what you think. **

**We're still swapping reviews for an outtake of your choice, so make it a good one and start sending me ideas of what you'd like to see that you haven't seen yet. **

**lots of love,**

**Mo  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Look at me go, two chapters in one weekend. Like I told a lot of you who reviewed, this chapter was one of my favorites to write for some reason. It's super short, but i love it like a first born child. I'll meet you down below for some chit chats.**

* * *

EPOV

They say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I don't think that's necessarily true. I knew what I had. Or, almost had anyway. What I had was beauty, what I had was the definition of beauty. What I had was something that this world would never see again. What I had was strong, passionate, loving, kind, smart, and so much more. What I had was the best thing that had ever happened to me, what I had was something I could have had for the rest of my life if I had played my cards right. But no, I let my own stupidity rule my actions and now here I am. I knew what I had, I knew how fantastic it was, and now it was gone and I don't think I've ever been angrier with myself.

I was a daft prick.

Probably the biggest daft prick that ever lived.

When Bella had said that she didn't want to go to Alice's with me I started to freak myself out. I had planned the whole thing. I was going to take her to a nice supper somewhere before hand, some place where I could properly woo her. Then I would have taken her to Alice's and we would have enjoyed a lovely time with my family and some mates and then maybe headed back to mine for a bit. I was prepared to show her that I was all in. I was prepared to give her everything. I had told her that I would wait and I meant that, I would give her the world, the moon, and the stars on a string if she asked for it. But she didn't want to go. She didn't want to go with me.

I started to think of why she wouldn't want to go. Maybe she had other plans? Maybe she would be with another guy? Maybe she didn't want to be with me after all and was slowly trying to detach herself from me. Maybe she doesn't want to be seen with me. The questions in my mind steadily started turning into statements the more I started drinking. And the more I drank, the more the world made sense, but in a very depressing way. For some reason, all my thoughts pointed to Bella either being with someone else or not wanting me.

Usually Alice's New Year's parties are a blast. We invite all the staff at Duffy's, any family that is within 500 miles, and basically any old bloke we can think of. But this year, I was wallowing in my own self-pity. I decided to head up to the study to clear my mind a little and sober up so I could meet Bella at her apartment. I still had a couple hours to go but I didn't want to show up pissed and make a fool out of myself. I was sitting in one of Alice's plush velvety chairs with my eyes closed, thinking about Bella, when I felt a hand travel across my shoulders and down my chest. I smiled; imagining Bella touching me was a wonderful thing. The shock that ran through me every time our skin touched was thrilling. The imaginary hand ran through my hair, tugging on the locks and then slowly moving to caress my face. I leaned toward the contact, happy with what my imagination was producing.

And then, the imaginary became real. But the hand wasn't Bella's, and the face definitely wasn't Bella's. But for some reason, my brain couldn't separate the Bella in my mind with the not-Bella in front of me. Though I would never treat Bella the way I treated non-Bella, so a part of my mind somewhere must have known this wasn't her. I thought I was dreaming. I thought I was asleep. I wasn't. But when I realized this was real, I couldn't bring myself to stop. There was a voice telling me that Bella didn't want me, Bella didn't care, that this didn't matter because she wasn't going to give me anything anyway. And for some reason I listened to it. The voice behind the red hair in front of me kept telling me that s_he _couldn't make me feel good. It kept saying that I needed one more time before I tied myself down to _her. _The hair kept saying that _she _didn't want me. So I kept going. The hair wasn't right, I think a part of me knew that. But it was too late. I had fucked Tanya Denali after I fired her and Bella had seen. I didn't even realize she knew until I heard the door to the study slam open and saw Alice standing there fuming. That was when I was positive that the dream I thought I had was actually a nightmare that I was now living.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing in my bloody study?"

This didn't make sense. Why would Alice be in my dream about Bella? And why did Bella have red hair?

"Edward. Get the bloody hell away from that woman. I just saw Bella crying hysterically because she walked in on this bullshit. Do you have anything to say for yourself? And please, for the love of all that is holy, get the fuck off of her, Edward!"

This can't be right. I looked down to see that brown eyes weren't staring back at mine, but dark grey green eyes instead smirked back at me. I jumped back as fast as I could from her and situated myself. I couldn't believe what had just happened. What I thought was a dream was actually reality. What the fuck had I had to drink? Alice was still fuming and I realized it was Tanya who I had fucked, and I wondered how I could ever think Tanya was my Bella.

Tanya was still looking smug but that didn't last long because Alice descended upon her.

"Listen to me you hag and you listen good. You are not welcome in my home. I have never liked you. I knew the day Edward hired you that you would cause my family pain and look where we are now. You've not only hurt my family, but you've broken my friend, one of the best friends I've ever had. Do you have no class? Do you have no self-respect? You knew the day Edward brought Bella to Duffy's and _fired _you that you should back out and let it go. But did you? No, you bloody didn't. So let me just tell you something you witch, you have fifteen seconds to get out of my home and make it so that I never see your face again. Because if I do, you'll have more problems than not having a job, and you'll have to find a way to get my Jimmy Choo out of your ass. Do I make myself clear?"

Tanya didn't respond, she stupidly kept looking smug, obviously pleased with herself and the situation she caused.

All until Alice slapped her clear across the face.

"What the hell are you waiting for you daft bitch? Get the fuck out of my house and don't come back! I swear to God I'll phone the police and have your ass in handcuffs before you can say pleather."

Tanya had the good sense to leave then and all I could do was stand there. I might have been in shock. I was disgusted, with this woman who had no self-respect, and with myself. How did I not know what was going on? What the fuck was wrong with me?

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I snapped my eyes up to see Alice more furious than she had been with Tanya.

Shit.

Then Alice wound up and slapped me across the face, twice as hard as she had Tanya.

"I have half a mind to just let Emmett and Jasper come up here and beat you to a bloody pulp for the shit you just pulled. How could you, Edward? How could you do that to her? Can you just tell me why?"

I groaned as I grabbed my hair in frustration. I felt sick and it wasn't just from what had just happened.

"I don't know, Alice. I was pissed about Bella not being here and wondering why she wouldn't come with me and thinking all this stuff about her with another bloke or not wanting me or letting me down easy and all this other crap. And… bloody hell! I was drinking, Al! And I didn't know what the fuck was happening! I thought I was fucking dreaming, at first I thought it was Bella cause I was half asleep and dreaming about her but then it wasn't her but I didn't realize or I didn't care cause I was already… UGH!"

Alice shook her head at me and gave me a look that broke my heart. Tears streamed down her face and I realized that my actions, actions that didn't directly affect her, had caused her this immense amount of pain.

"You _disgust _me. I can't believe that you would think Bella would be with someone else. She has a _fantastic _reason she didn't want to be here tonight, Edward. A reason maybe you could have figured out if you got your head out of your ass and listened to her. God! Everyone does not conspire against you, Edward, so maybe you should start trusting Bella like you keep begging her to do with you. You're a hypocrite. She had a good reason for not wanting to come, Edward. A good, good reason. "

"So wait, she tells _you _why she didn't want to come but she won't tell me? What's up with that? Is there a reason I'm not worthy enough to know what's so horrid about a New Year's Eve bash?"

"You shut your mouth! I swear, Edward, you are going to eat your words. She just told me now why she didn't want to come. But if you knew why! I won't betray her confidence, but if you knew why, you would kick your own ass. I never thought you would ever do anything like this. You know, Bella. You know her and the things you thought about her are disgusting."

Alice sighed and shook her head.

"You broke her, Edward. You broke her more than she's ever been broken. And she was so happy tonight. You should have seen her, she looked so gorgeous. And you know what she said to me? She said she couldn't wait to see you. She came to surprise you. She came to be with _you. _She dressed up for _you. _She wanted _you. _And this is how you treat her? This is how you gain her trust? No, you shattered her, Edward. And I'm not sure that you'll ever be able to fix this. I'm not sure if any of us can fix her again. She might not be able to fix herself now. You better pray that God gives you another chance and a miracle, Edward, because that's the only way that you will be able to make this right."

With that she turned on her heal and walked away. I sank into the chair I had started in, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I couldn't decide what was worse, the night my parents had died, or right now. The more I thought about it, I decided it was a tie. I couldn't think that one topped the other. They were both equally miserable. They were both terrible. The only difference was, one wasn't my fault at all; this night, however, I had no one to blame but myself.

I had to make this right. Everything that had happened had sobered me up and I jumped up from my chair and ran to the door of the study, I hadn't been sitting long, maybe ten minutes but Alice was already back at the door, staring at me again. Her tears were coming stronger now and I was sure that she would not be happy with me anytime soon.

"She's gone."

Her face was blank and her eyes were glazed over. It seemed like she meant more with her words, like they might have some sort of double meaning. I grasped her shoulders and shook her gently, forcing her to look at me.

"What do you mean 'she's gone'? Where? When? What's going on, Alice?"

She didn't say anything for a few moments. She just stared in to the space to the side of my head before she whispered something I don't think I'll ever forget.

"You crushed her spirit. You may never get her back. She ran, she ran away from here, away from you."

I was shocked at what she said. I looked at her for a split second before I ran to the door.

I could fix this, or I would die trying.

BPOV

Time passes. It waits for no man, woman or child. It will not stop; it will not slow down. No matter how much each tick of the second hand on the clock feels like it's digging so deeply into you that it's drawing blood, it passes. It passes without permission or acceptance. It passes whether you are awake to the world or not. It will pass. Seconds will turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, and before you know it, months will have gone by. Before you know it months have passed and you're just floating. You're not really touching the ground, but you haven't flown away just yet. Time carries you through though; it picks you up and passes you along. It doesn't wait for you to be ready. It doesn't wait for you to heal. It is the voice of reality; it is the voice of your responsibilities. So you keep going. You keep waking up every morning hoping the pain will lessen, and you go through your day, void and empty, but still moving, still breathing. You go to sleep at night, alone and cold, but alive, in the physical sense of the word. Time keeps moving even though it feels as though your whole soul is dying. When your heart can't be bothered to feel anything but the stinging, burning, aching, omnipresent anguish, time continues on. It's a constant; it's something to rely on. That each day will pass one after the other lined up and organized: no rules, no changes, and no surprises. It moves and takes you with it. When all you want to do is crumble, it keeps moving, it keeps beating, and it keeps passing. It doesn't matter if you fall apart, if you curl into a ball and ignore the world, or if you function, going through the motions, trying to move on, time will pass. Sometimes it will pity you and pass in quick bursts, and sometimes it will move so agonizingly slowly that you're certain your death is close, you're positive that this is really what hell is like, the constant, empty, meaningless passage of time.

People say that it will all get better with time. But what if it doesn't? Because what if what we had before far surpassed any dream that we could have ever possibly hoped of having? So is it rational to mourn its loss once it's gone? Is it sensible? But _it_ won't get better. _It_ can't get better. There is no _it_ now, there is only a _was_. There is only what has been, and what time has ended. There is only the reel of memories that play over and over in your mind, reopening the wounds, releasing the pain over and over again. To every other emotion you are numb, and in this sense the pain is almost welcome. The pain is almost a refreshing change to the ubiquitous numbness. Will the lack of sensation get better with time? Will it slowly and gradually recede back into the shadows? Or does "getting better with time" mean to say that the numbness will grow stronger? That feeling nothing is the meaning of "better?"

Time passes. Slowly, surely, consistently, it passes. You can stare at a spot on the wall and will the world not to change but it keeps moving. You are not important enough to stop it; your pain is not relevant. Taking the batteries out of the clock doesn't stop its movement. The moon will circle the Earth and the Earth will circle the sun and time will pass. Time has passed. Time is still passing.

_It_ has not gotten better with time.

_It_ has gotten worse.

And I don't know how to fix it.

But time keeps moving.

Time keeps passing.

I can't run from it.

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**AN: Ok. soooo? what's going on in those heads of yours? **

**Good? Bad? I know it's short, but I told a lot of you, this for me was really important to stand alone and not have chapter 10 or chapter 12 activities distracting from it. This is kind of B&E at the bottom and from here on we'll be working to get E out of the gigantic hole he's dug himself into while B just keeps throwing more dirt on top of him. ;) **

**Please, please, pleasseeeee remember to reviewwww! I love hearing everything you guys have to say and it makes my day. I reply to each and every review(even the ones from my lovely beta, musegirl.) and I love to do it. Big, big thanks to musegirl for beta-ing. she should go pro she's so spectacular. **

**The review count as of now is 38. Come on peeps! Give me your thoughts! And start sending me ideas of any outtakes you would want to see. Maybe you want to see a pseudo date pre-edward fucks up. Or maybe you want to see what Edward was doing all day before the wham bam thank you ma'm. perhaps you'd like to have a lil peek inside emmett's brain when B spazzed out because of her dream. Maybe you want jasper's secret french toast recipes... so many possibilities people!**

**A quick note: one review was a little wary that this story contains rape. It doesn't. There is no rape that occurs in this story. I've said before that a lot of this story is based on my own personal story with some events paralleling or copying exact events in my own life. I have never experianced rape and I'm a very strong believer of "write what you know". So that's that. **

**That's all for now, chickadees! I hope I have a flood of lil FF notifications in my inbox soon! mucho love from above/below/left/right (depending on where you are in relation to me.)**

**xoxo**

**Mo  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Ello peeps! Not too much to say up here. So meet me down below for a chitchat, yeah? **

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I don't remember how long I laid there on the floor, in my pretty party dress, with my ruined makeup and hair. I don't know how long it took for the tears to stop coming and I don't know when I just started staring off into space. I sat there and just let time float over me. I let it sweep over me like a waterfall, staring into the distance, trying to understand it all, trying to forget it all, trying not to let it destroy me. I felt the weight of everything, the past 10 years, Edward, my mother, Phil, Jacob, everything just weighing down on me, crushing me. And I couldn't move. I was powerless. I couldn't breathe. I was crying again, only knowing this by the hot tears that coursed down my face. My breaths were coming shorter. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I just…couldn't. What was happening? Why was this happening? Why did he have to do that? _Why? _

"Shhhh…Bella, love, it'll be alright. Don't cry, dear. Emmett, help me."

I didn't know when Alice had gotten here. I could only register the sound of her voice and the fact that I was now in the air and moving. Nothing made sense. Everything was gone. Everything was broken. Everything was bad.

I was set on what I think was my bed. Someone removed my shoes and got me out of my dress. I tried to help by holding myself up, but I just couldn't bring myself to move at all. I was still crying. I was still not breathing well. When I was in new clothes I felt someone curl up beside me, but it was the wrong someone. They were too small, too soft and feminine. Where were the arms that I loved? Where was the person I loved? Why wouldn't he hold me anymore? What had I done that he didn't want to hold me anymore?

I stayed where I was and I cried. I didn't recognize how much time had passed. I didn't move. I didn't sleep, but I wasn't awake. I drifted along in a state of half consciousness. All the while, those little arms never left me. I heard voices occasionally, but the arms never left. I think they were the only thing that kept me rooted to the earth.

And then one day, I stopped.

I remembered the new promise I had made to my mother. I wouldn't let this destroy me. I wouldn't let this break me. If Edward didn't want me, fine. I wasn't going to change who I was as a person for someone who obviously didn't accept me enough or want me enough.

So I got up.

I rose out of bed and stretched my arms above my head and then bent forward and touched my toes. My muscles ached and my back and shoulders cracked. A shower and some yoga were definitely in order.

I turned my head over my shoulder to see Alice sitting against the headboard of my bed looking at me worriedly.

I tried to speak but my voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat and tried again.

"Hey, Alice."

Her eyes went wide and she just stared at me. I looked down at myself to make sure I wasn't missing my pants or that I hadn't peed myself or something and when I saw that everything was in order, I looked back up at her.

"I need to call Esme and apologize."

These were obviously not the words she expected to come out of my mouth and she stared at me like I had two heads.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I called Edward a 'son of a bitch', that's insulting to Esme, I'd like to call and apologize."

It looked like she half wanted to laugh and half wanted to commit me. I was being dead serious. It bothered me that I had spoken ill of someone who had been so kind to me when my words were taken in the literal sense.

"Alice? Is something wrong?"

She still stared at me while she cautiously spoke to me, as though she were talking me down from a ledge.

"Bella… you've been laying here comatose for four days now, almost five. You wouldn't answer your phone so I came over the afternoon after the party. You wouldn't respond to anyone. You wouldn't eat, you wouldn't drink anything, you wouldn't talk, you wouldn't bloody move! And now, you're just hopping out of bed like it's just another morning and you haven't been lying around like the dead, wanting to call Esme. What the hell is wrong with you?"

I didn't know how to answer her. I was shocked that it had been four days since New Year's and it made me want a shower even more.

"I don't know what to tell you, Alice. It has to do with my mom. But really all I want to do right now is take a shower, get something to eat and maybe do some yoga or watch some movies. Are you staying?"

"Of course I'm staying! Are you insane? You've barely moved in four days and now you're all up and about; I'm not leaving you in case you decide to not move again and I need to call my dad to hook you up to an IV so you don't die."

I smiled at her sarcasm and the confused look she had on her face.

"Ok. Well, I'm going to get in the shower and change, do you want to pick a movie? We can talk then."

She sighed and shook her head like she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Yeah. I'll make you something to eat as well. Do you have any requests, love?"

I smiled at her; she was such a kind person. I knew I was lucky to call her a friend.

"Anything's fine, thanks."

I gathered up some new clothes, sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt, and headed for the shower. I wasn't ready yet to get dressed in anything other than lounge clothes, and I knew I wasn't going anywhere anyway, so it didn't really matter. I took my time in the shower; washing off all that remained of New Year's that I had been lying in for four days. I was disgusted with myself and made sure to scrub every inch of my body, partly to get the grime off of me and partly to try and erase what I'd seen and felt with soap and hot water. Though my first goal was met, loofahs can't scrub memories away, even with soap and scalding hot water. I got out of the shower and dressed before towel drying my hair and throwing it up into a messy bun. I walked out into the living room to find Alice sitting cross legged on the couch facing the door to my room, waiting for me to leave the room. She had a sandwich with a cut up apple on a plate with two water bottles next to it set up for me.

"Sit. Eat. It's turkey for protein, cheese for calcium, bread for carbs, and apples so you don't get scurvy. And if you don't drink those water bottles my Da will be over here to give you hell."

I smiled at her softly and she pointed to the couch and then to the plate, a determined look on her face. I sat down cautiously, folding my legs underneath me and began to eat, realizing that I was more hungry than I had thought. We sat in silence as I ate like it was my last meal. When I had finished my sandwich Alice was back with two pints of ice cream and a pair of spoons. Only when we had started in on the frozen treat did Alice finally speak.

"So… umm… Bella, I'm so terribly sorry."

She was digging her spoon into her carton of ice cream, almost stabbing at it while she looked at me from under her eyelashes, a look of intense remorse on her face.

"Alice, why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong. "

"I shouldn't have told you he was upstairs. You never would have had to see that. You shouldn't have had to see that. Especially with the day you had… I never expected my brother to ever act like that again but I mean… I feel as though I'm partly at fault. I'm not entirely sure why, but can you just forgive me, please? Please, Bella?"

I set my ice cream down and hugged my small friend close to me, glad that for once I had someone in my corner with me.

"Alice, there is nothing to forgive, but if it makes you feel any better I have no ill feelings towards you. Thank you for staying with me and being here. Thank you for everything you've done. Please don't feel badly, you did nothing wrong."

Tears ran down both our faces as we pulled away from each other and smiled. We laughed at our ridiculous emotions and I wiped my face before grabbing my ice cream and settling back into the couch.

"Right then, enough of that! No more tears for you Ms. B!"

We laughed together again and fell into an easy conversation about her and Jasper and I learned more about her work in the fashion industry. There was a pause in the conversation that had Alice making a face like she had something else she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure exactly how to say it.

"Alice, just tell me."

We were reaching the ends of our pints and it seemed like what Alice was worried to tell me would have to come out into the open soon.

"I just… I'm so worried for you, Bella. You didn't move for four whole days. You sat and stared at a wall, I had no idea what to do, I didn't want to call my dad because I was afraid he'd put you in a hospital or something and I didn't want to call Edward because he'd demand to be here but you wouldn't want him here nor did he deserve to be here and I just… I can't see you go through that again. And now, you're just sitting there like nothing happened. I don't get it. I don't know what to do for you. It's like…I know how to deal with someone going through a break-up…but this…this was like someone had died, not like someone had betrayed you. It was like someone was gone forever and never coming back…"

I stared back into my carton and thought about what I was going to say to her.

"When my parents died, and I got the call confirming their death, I didn't talk. I didn't talk for weeks. Not when I had to identify the bodies, not when I made the arrangements, not at the wake or funeral. Weeks went by and I just couldn't bring myself to say a word. It was like, I had heard so much, and I just wanted to keep listening. I wasn't ready to break the silence or something. Maybe I thought I'd get one more chance to hear them? I don't know… it's hard to explain. I just kept hearing everything from that day over and over and over again in my head like someone had recorded it and hit repeat. It wouldn't go away, and I just couldn't make a sound. I stayed steeped in the silence."

"But one day, I came home, and all these boxes were there. Stupid stuff from their house, like dishes and glassware from my mom's first marriage, and some stupid ugly figurines that my dad's mom had given her at Christmases when they were married that she never got rid of. And I was just staring at them. I can't even remember how long I stared at those stupid boxes, minutes, hours, days, I don't know. But I remember at one point just getting up and walking to one of the boxes and looking inside. And it was so quiet. It was so, so quiet. I reached in and grabbed a dish, one of the ones my mom had picked out when she married my dad, things she hadn't used or wanted in years, and I threw it against the wall. It shattered into a million little pieces and it made noise. It broke the silence. I stopped hearing my parents dying over and over in my head. So I grabbed another and another and another. I just kept throwing it all. Stupid stuff that didn't mean anything. I threw them until the boxes were lying empty on the floor that was covered in broken glass and I couldn't move my arms. It wasn't quiet anymore. I turned on the television. I turned on the radio. I yelled and screamed and sang and shouted and cried. I made noise."

"But I had needed that silence. It was like it was the only thing that was holding me together. Usually I'm alone; I mean I'm always alone. I didn't expect you to come. I guess I just shut down, I couldn't deal with it all, remembering my mother, what _he _did, it just was too much. I needed the silence. And it was like he died. He doesn't want me anymore. Maybe he never did, so to me, it's like he died. He's gone. I just wanted to hear nothing for a while… I don't know how to really explain it all…"

I peeked up at Alice to see tears falling down her cheeks. Her hands were clasped in front of her mouth and she was shaking her head back and forth.

"Bella…I can't imagine some of the things you've been through. I can't imagine what that must have been like. What Edward did was inexcusable. Please, please, Bella, don't fall apart again. Don't start going back to the way you were. I know I haven't known you for very long but you've changed so much already. I don't want to lose you, Bella. None of us do."

None of them do? Apparently, one of them didn't care either way. But I wouldn't fall into that sort of thinking. I wouldn't bring those thoughts to the forefront of my mind.

"I don't want to keep living emptily like I've been doing, Alice. I thought that maybe Edward was what was supposed to save me. Now I guess I have to figure this out on my own. But I don't want to lose you either. You won't lose me. Just…don't give up on me please, don't leave me. I don't think I can honestly take another person leaving me."

Alice moved to hug me and we stayed like that for a long time. When she pulled away she began excitedly talking about a make-over she was planning on doing for me to give me a new look to match my new attitude. Apparently, I'd be a new Bella in no time.

Days seemed to pass slowly. I'd grown accustomed to hitting the ignore button on my phone more than ever before, as Edward incessantly called and texted me. He tried to send messages through Alice, Emmett and Jasper, but I wouldn't listen to what they had to say, and what I had to say in response was never anything that would be considered polite to repeat.

Alice was adamant about the style update, and she had enlisted the help of Rosalie as well. What she didn't anticipate though, was that Rose was going to be an unwilling participant. Rosalie apparently thought I was being overdramatic and selfish, not knowing the whole story herself. No one really did, only Edward and I. Alice didn't know all the details of my parents' deaths, just some of the basic facts that I told her. She didn't know about Charlie or Jake, but then again, no one did. So it wasn't right to be angry with Rose for not understanding, but at the same time, I could only take so much.

Alice was animatedly discussing my hair and how great it would look with some layers and side bangs. I hadn't cut my hair in ages, and it was now far past my waist in length. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and at my long wavy locks. Charlie had loved my hair long… freaking out whenever I cut it more than a few inches. Jake had loved to use it like a leash, something to keep me rooted in place and never too far from him. I remembered my mother with her bald head as a result of chemo. I smiled to myself as I grabbed a hair tie while Alice talked to Rosalie about her vision for me. I tied the band low against my back, so that at least 10 inches lay below the tie. I pulled it over my shoulder, picked up the scissors, and cut my hair high above the elastic, so that what remained of my hair hit at my collar bone. I set the pony tail to the side to send to Locks of Love later and looked at what remained of my hair. It was already slightly curlier from the lack of added weight. I twisted my hair side to side and could imagine what Alice was talking about more and more. I looked in the reflection of the mirror to see Alice with a shocked, then proud look on her face while Rose, well, Rose looked down right pissed.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

My face registered a look of shock as her words hit me as though she had slapped me across the face. I turned in my chair to face her.

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, don't get all holier than thou on me, lil miss Susie Church Go-er. Listen, you're moping around and acting like you're going to make this whole big dramatic change in your life because boo-fucking-hoo a man didn't want you. And he wasn't even dating you. You're all busting Edward's balls over this stupid lil weak girl who can't do anything for herself! She's moping around like someone killed her fucking kitten right in front of her and we're all supposed to bow down at her feet and say 'Poor Bella Swan'? Why? What the fuck has she been through that she deserves our pity? Her mother had cancer? Yeah, that sucks, and I'm sorry for your loss, but that was a long time ago honey, and you can't keep blaming other people for making you sad. It's time you grew up and got on with your own life instead of trying to manipulate a whole family into bending over backwards for you."

"Rose…"

Alice tried to intervene but Rosalie just kept talking over her, determined to make a point.

"No, Alice she needs someone to kick her ass, and since you're all coddling her, I guess I have to be the one to do it."

She turned back to me with fire in her eyes and kept talking.

"Yeah, a guy screwed you over. What girl hasn't been screwed over by a guy? Let me tell you something, sweetheart, you don't know anything 'bout suffering. Let me tell you something, _darlin_', take a god damn walk in my fuckin Jimmy Choo's and we'll see how hard your life's really been. You think you've had it rough? You don't know any-fucking-thing."

The longer she talked the more her southern accent became more prominent. And the more she thoroughly pissed me off. She knew nothing about me, she knew nothing about my life, and if she had, she would eat her words.

"Rosalie, I respect your opinion of me, and I don't need or want _anybody's _pity or sympathy. I didn't ask for any of your help. It was offered. And I was never even given the option of accepting. If you think I don't know suffering, fuck you."

I spoke calmly and quietly, not getting nearly as worked up as she had. I was tired, tired of defending myself, tired of explaining myself, tired of people looking at me like I'm a fucking animal in a zoo.

"Fuck you and you thinking you're so much better and stronger than me. I may not be a strong woman by some standards, Rosalie Whitlock Cullen, but I've survived more fucking shit in my first 20 years of life than most people ever have nightmares about in the course their entire lives. So excuse me for finally deciding I'm going to do something for myself for once in my fucking life. Excuse me for putting myself before what everyone and their mother wants. "

"And no, Rose, we weren't dating. But what you probably didn't know was that Edward had asked me out on a date. He had told me that he thought about marrying me. He told me he thought I was the one. And my past life experiences tell me that you don't trust men as far as you can fucking juggle them one handed while riding a unicycle. So it was a big fucking deal for me to trust your brother-in-law. You don't know anything about me. You know nothing about my life and I'm not going to sit here and justify what I've been through. I'm not about to drop trou and compare who's is bigger, Rosalie. I don't know what you've been through in life, but don't you dare, don't you fucking dare assume to know anything about mine."

I reached back around to face the bathroom sink I was sitting at and grabbed my cell phone, quickly scrolling down to Edward's name. I pressed the green call button and held it out to Rosalie.

"Here, call him. Tell him I told you to ask him about my parents. Ask him what New Year's Eve is. Ask him what happened five years ago. Tell him you want details. Tell him you want to know everything. Tell him I told you to ask him. He owes me this much, he owes me not having to relive it when I retell the story. I don't want to compare my pain with yours Rosalie, and this is only half of my life story, but I won't let you walk around thinking that I'm just being a spoiled brat. Call him, and take a walk in _my_ fucking shoes before you judge me."

She grabbed the phone from me as a faint voice could be heard calling my name over the line. She walked from the room and I laid my head down on the counter, facing the open doorway. Alice, who had been standing silently throughout this whole episode walked up next to me and started stroking my hair and humming softly. I listened to the melody she sang and tried to get my mind of the horrible memories. I didn't want to be stuck in the past; I wanted to create a new future. Sometime later Rosalie walked back into the bathroom, sheepishly looking at her feet.

I didn't want to dwell on the death of my parents, so I asked her a question before she could say anything.

"Rosalie, who can you always count on to protect you? Who do you know would go through fire and hell to keep you safe?"

She looked up to meet my blank stare with one of confusion.

"My family? Emmett?"

She answered like it was a question, her voice barely above a whisper.

I shook my head slightly.

"No, one person, in your family who would always protect you, who's known you your entire life. Someone who would lay down their life for you. Emmett isn't an option; the person who was my Emmett abandoned me. Who, Rosalie? Who?"

She looked at me curiously for a while before she answered, again speaking barely above a whisper, shaping her answer to be more like a question.

"My father?"

I smiled slightly, but not out of humor or happiness.

"Your father. That's right. Your father is the one person who's always supposed to protect you. He's supposed to be there when you want to cry about the boy that's mean to you. He's supposed to threaten all your prospective dates, demanding unreasonable curfew times. Your father is supposed to help you decide where you're going to go to college, to tell you your prom dress shows too much cleavage and to put on a sweater, he's supposed to be there when you graduate from high school and go off to college, he's supposed to be there when you get your bachelors degree, trying to stop tears of pride from leaking out of his eyes now that his little girl is all grown up and going into the real world."

"He's supposed to grill your first steady boyfriend that you're going to move in with, and make sure he threatens him within an inch of his life. He's supposed to be there the day that that same boy comes alone and asks for his permission to ask a very important question, and he's supposed to be one of the first ones you call when you give your answer. He's supposed to walk you down the aisle when you get married and get excited when you call about grandkids. He's never supposed to leave you. He's never supposed to hurt you. He's supposed to always protect you."

"My dad wasn't like that. He didn't care. He didn't… He didn't protect me…He didn't protect me from himself."

I lifted my gaze from its place on the ground to lock with Rosalie's. She was looking ashamed, much like Edward had when I told him about my parents' deaths.

"I haven't seen or heard from my biological father in seven years. He knows where I am. He doesn't care."

I kept my gaze locked with Rosalie's for a long time. Silent tears at my admission streamed down her face and she looked at me with sorrow.

"Don't pity me. Don't look at me like I'm some poor broken thing, you just told me not fifteen minutes ago that I didn't deserve it, that's not why I told you this, that's not why I had you call him. Don't pity me. I know suffering, Rosalie. Maybe not in the same way that you do, but I do know suffering. I still suffer. But don't pity me. If that's what you're going to do then you know where the door is and you can let yourself out."

I got up from where I was sitting and turned to Alice, who had again been surprisingly silent throughout this whole thing. Tears streamed down her face as well, and the look she gave me told me that her heart was breaking. But I was so tired now. I didn't want people to sympathize with me, and I didn't want to compare my life with someone else's. Life sucked, and then you died. That was pretty much all there was to it. I had learned that at an early age, and seemed to keep learning it the older that I became. And it just made me tired.

I looked at both Alice and Rosalie before facing Alice.

"I'm really tired now, Al. Do you mind if we do this make-over thing another day? I'm not feeling so great right now."

Alice smiled at me sadly, as tears kept falling from her eyes.

"Sure thing, love. You go rest. We'll get at it another day."

I smiled back at her and turned to see Rosalie standing in the doorway of the bathroom, blocking my way into my bedroom and to my bed, the only place I really wanted to be. I sighed before walking towards her.

"There are some cupcakes in the fridge, Rosalie. I made some for you to take home for you and Emmett. There's a container for Alice and Jasper as well. Help yourselves to those and anything else in the kitchen if you want it. Make yourselves at home."

I brushed passed her in the doorway, squeezing through as she turned to the side to let me pass. I curled up on my bed and crawled inside, desperate to let the world disappear for a while.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, at times hearing Alice scold Rosalie for her behavior and other times hearing their worried whispers. Later I heard male voices added into the whispers. But I didn't care. I just kept drifting. It was nice to feel nothing sometimes.

But it never lasted forever.

I was ripped from my dream as I sat up straight in my bed and screamed, sobs ripping through my body. The fear was real, the fear that I ran so far from that consumed me. I didn't want to be so afraid all the time; I didn't want to be so weak. I hadn't had nightmares for so long…Edward had seemed to keep them at bay. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, unfamiliar arms, and I jerked away in fear, clamoring to the other side of the bed.

"Shh…Bella, It's me, Rose. It's ok, Bella. It's ok."

It was the last person I would ever expect to come to my aid when I was in the middle of a nightmare but at the same time, it made sense. She thought this was some sort of penance, she felt she had some debt to pay for hurting me this morning.

I was still crying and I tried my best to calm down. I didn't want anyone else to see me like this, especially not someone who had outright called me weak.

"You don't have to stay Rosalie. I'll be…I'll be ok. I just need a minute. You shouldn't feel like you need to stay, you don't owe me anything."

She sat there silently for a moment before she crawled across the bed and gathered me in her arms. I laid there stiffly for several moments before she softly began to sing.

_Swing Low,_

_Sweet chariot,_

_Coming forth to carry me home,_

_Swing Low,_

_Sweet chariot,_

_Coming forth to carry me home._

_I'm gonna walk all around God's heaven,_

_Meet the loved ones I've lost before,_

_I'm gonna sit by the banks of the river,_

'_til we meet to part no more. _

_Swing low,_

_Sweet Chariot,_

_Coming forth to carry me home._

_Swing low,_

_Sweet chariot,_

_Coming forth to carry_

_Me home. _

She sang the song over and over, singing of when someone would come to take me from this earth, when someone would come to take me from this pain. It was a song my mother used to sing to me, one I was shocked that she knew, even though it originated in the South. It was an old slave ballad about reaching freedom, and the salvation that it offered from pain. It was about the desire to be free, free from whatever oppressed you and to start a new life. It was about death and how it wasn't something to fear.

Death is easy; it's simple and unchangeable. It's something you can't control. Death is peaceful, even in traumatic circumstances. It's inevitable and predictable. It's omnipresent. Death is effortless.

Life is hard. Living each and every day is hard. Getting up each morning when you had the weight of the world on your shoulders makes it hard.

Death is easy, it's an instant, a brief moment, and then nothing, then Heaven or whatever waits for us after our last breath.

Death is easy, living isn't.

Days turned to weeks. The calls and texts were still being ignored, but they were now accompanied by flowers. The flowers made me increasingly angry.

My affections and forgiveness couldn't be bought. Flowers should not be given as a means to beg for forgiveness for a betrayal. Flowers should be given as a reminder of feelings, as a thoughtful gesture, as something that is a surprise and is heartfelt. This felt like Edward was trying to use money to get me to accept his apologies. It felt like he thought a few bouquets of roses and irises could make me forget what I had walked into. They wouldn't. He sent all my favorites, he sent ones I'd never heard of, he sent flowers in colors I didn't even know existed. But it didn't fix anything.

Then books started coming with the flowers. They lay in a pile next to my couch, though I was increasingly tempted to devour them, I didn't want to be materialistic. I didn't want _things _from Edward, I had wanted him, and flowers and books weren't going to take the place of what I thought I would have. Flowers last a few weeks at most. Books last for as long as you take care of them, maybe years. What I thought I would have had would have lasted forever. Nothing compared to that.

He started sending food, chocolates, anything he seemed to be able to think of. The flowers and the books were always included, but each bouquet and novel brought with them a new mystery item.

It was like he was either seeking to gain my forgiveness through material things or he was seeking to ease his own guilt through the same means. Neither reason sat well with me, neither reason meant I could have him.

Then a day came when I came home from a meeting with my advisor to find that Edward had not only sent over the usual flowers and books, but a small, nondescript box rested against my front door along with the usual items. Normally the mystery item was easily identifiable. I curiously picked everything up and carried it inside to the kitchen table.

I dumped the flowers and book on the table and threw my bag onto the couch, carrying the box with me into my room. I grabbed the scissors off of my desk and sliced open the packaging, shaking out the items. Two small, navy pouches lay on the bed in front of me and I knelt down to get closer to them. I opened the first and shook out a gorgeous ring with a glass stone over a piece of lace. Either the stone had a pink or red tint to it or the lace itself was red or pink. It was set in gold and was oval shaped. I stared at the ring for a few moments before I hastily opened the next pouch, which held an even more gorgeous cameo slide bracelet. It had intricate details and muted colors. They were two of the most gorgeous pieces of jewelry I'd ever seen, things that I would have picked out for myself in a heartbeat, but would never have been able to afford. I brushed my finger tips along the bracelet, admiring the craftsmanship and the small, delicate details. I jumped up from where I sat and raced to grab my phone, scrolling down to find Edward's name in my contacts.

I paced as I waiting for him to answer, glancing back at the jewelry that lay on my bed.

Flowers and books and candy were one thing, jewelry was a whole other deal.

And I was furious.

"'_Ello. You've reached Edward Cullen. I'm not able to answer my mobile right now. But if you'd leave a message, I'll ring you back when I can. Cheers!"_

Even his voicemail message made me furious. But this way, I had a chance to speak. I had this opportunity to speak uninterruptedly and let him know exactly what I was thinking. I had a chance to break the silence.

"Do you honestly think that you can give me a few flowers and some books and chocolates and that I'd call you up and tell you that everything's ok? That you can move on with your life because you don't have to feel guilty anymore? You give flowers to someone as a sign that you admire them, you do it to be thoughtful and sweet, you maybe do it when you have a small fight, you don't rely on them to say things that you yourself should be saying! What do flowers say, Edward? Huh? What do they say? And you think, you honestly think, that you can send me jewelry that I _know _had to cost a fortune and that I'd call you and thank you and tell you that I think we need to talk? Is that what you thought was going to happen? That I would see the jewelry as some sort of grand gesture that would make me immediately run to you? Bullshit! What does jewelry say, Edward? Huh? Because to me it seems like you're trying to bribe me, like you think that you can buy my affections, it's like you're trying to guilt me or buy me or something, but whatever it is you're doing, it's not working and I. Do. Not. Like. It. So stop! Ok? Just stop! Stop with the flowers and the books, and I swear, if you ever send me jewelry again I will kick your ass from here to Shanghais. Is this you trying to have your actions speak louder than your words? Is it, Edward? Because if it is, you're an idiot. This is your wallet speaking louder than anything, and it's not going to work. Nothing will work. So just…stop. I'm mailing back the jewelry, and if it wouldn't cost me an arm and a leg, I'd mail back the books, too. The flowers are going in the garbage disposal. Have a great fucking day."

I hung up the phone and threw it on the bed. I grabbed the jewelry and shoved it back in the bags and into the box. I replaced the tape and made it look like it'd never been opened before I grabbed a giant red marker and wrote: RETURN TO SENDER in big, bold letters, slapping a few stamps on it just in case. I raced out of my apartment and down the stairs until I reached the entrance to my building and flung it open, not caring if anyone saw me acting crazy. I ran to the nearest mailbox and shoved the box inside it, slamming the little door shut. I stared at it as I backed up a few steps before I turned and ran back home.

I was lying in my bed, where I had flung myself after returning from mailing the box Edward had sent when there was a loud pounding on my door. I glanced at the clock and saw it was one in the morning; I had fallen asleep without changing my clothes or bothering to make dinner. I stretched until I heard the pounding coming from the door again.

Who could be at the door?

Why would they be here at one in the morning?

Who did I know besides the Cullens?

They would call me or let me know if they were coming…

What if it was…? It couldn't be… He wouldn't come and find me…

"Bb….Beeelllllaaaaaaaaaaa! Open the dooooooorrr, bootiful Belllaaaaaaaaaa!"

Oh, shit.

I knew that voice, though I'd never had the pleasure of hearing it piss drunk. A part of me was relieved that it wasn't who I had originally thought it was, but another part of me thought this was worse than what I had anticipated.

I ran to the door and looked through the peep hole to see Edward standing there looking disheveled, he had a lot of scruff on his face, it looked like he hadn't showered in a while, and his clothes looked dirty. He didn't look so great, but the sight of him still brought me that strange calm.

That strange calm that was destroyed the minute he started pounding on the door and shouting again.

"I got your message Belllaaaaaa! I don't think you're a whore to be purchased! I'm not trying to buy you! I just want to hold you again, love! I miss your smmmmeeeelllllllllllll."

He dragged out certain words and seemed to sing others. He was still beating on the door and yelling and I was actually frightened of him.

"Beeeelllllaaaaaa! If you don't open the door, I'll open it for yoooouuuu! I'm coming in the eeeeeeasssssy way or the hhhh-… hhh- huuuuhh… HARD way, love!"

I quickly slid my bar lock closed and made sure the dead bolt and chain were in place as well as the door handle lock. Once I made sure the locks were good and tight I checked the windows that had access to the fire escape and made sure they were locked, too. Then I ran to my phone and dialed a number as fast as my shaking fingers would let me.

"…what in the bloody hell is so important to ring someone at…bloody bollocks! One in the morning? Who the bloody hell is this?"

I whimpered and noticed for the first time that tears were streaming down my face.

"Emmett…"

My voice broke as I choked on a sob. This was all too familiar to me, it was bringing back horrible memories that I never wanted to relive. It was bringing back the fear, something I had fought so hard to rid myself of, something that I couldn't seem to fully outrun.

"Bella. What's wrong, duck? Tell me what's wrong, love. Are you alright?"

I cried harder into the phone, unable to speak.

"Lass, you've got to tell me what's wrong. I can't help you if you don't talk to me. Are you hurt, Bella? What's happened?"

I took a shaky breath to try and hold off the tears and muttered one jumbled sentence before I succumbed to the sobs that were desperate to leave my body.

"Edward…he's at my door…drunk…I'm scared. He's pounding… won't stop shouting…won't leave…so scared."

I heard Emmett curse under his breath and the faint voice of Rosalie in the background, whispering about who he was talking to and what was wrong.

"Listen, Bella. It's going to be alright, ok, love? I'm going to call Jasper and maybe another mate and we'll come and get this arse, alright? Don't answer the door, Bella, and don't listen to anything he says, ok? It's going to be ok, Bella. I have your spare keys you gave Alice, is it alright if I use them, love?"

I gasped and choked a little before letting him know I had used the bar lock on my door.

"Good. That's good love. Listen. Why don't you go undo it, ok? I'm already on my way to Jazz's place to grab him; Rose called him already, ok, love? It'll be alright, duck. I'll be right there ok?"

I made a noise to let him know I understood and moved to undo the bar lock on my door. I ran back to my bedroom and shut the door, curling up on my bed and sobbing. The knocking and shouting coming from my front door never ceasing. Sometime later, it got louder and it sounded like Edward kicked my door, and I sobbed harder. Not long after that, I felt arms wrap around me, and a voice whisper soothingly into my ear as another pair of hands stroked my hair.

Emmett, the older brother that I had always wanted and never had, was here to protect me, and Rosalie had come with him to offer some sort of comfort. I lay in their arms until I had cried myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up to Emmett and Rosalie sitting in my kitchen drinking coffee. They stopped talking as soon as I entered the room and I did my best to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation.

"Blonde and skinny, can you get me some of that liquid gold you're drinking please? Bottomless Pit, you better not have eaten all of my cereal."

Emmett laughed loudly as Rosalie moved to get me a cup of coffee, placing a steaming cup in my hand before returning to her seat next to Emmett, who assured me he hadn't touched my beloved honey bunches of oats.

Emmett told me that Rose would be spending the day with me while he went to have a talk with Edward. He promised me that what happened last night would never happen again and that he would make sure that Edward never bothered me like that anymore. I thanked him and turned to Rose to start discussing the day. We still weren't as close as Alice and I were, and it was still awkward since I felt like our friendship was fueled mainly by pity, but today I didn't want to be alone with the memories that last night brought up, so I really didn't care about her motivations. I wanted to forget what happened. I wanted to forget the memories. I wanted to forget Edward.

Two days later, the letters started coming.

* * *

**AN: Well? Thoughts? Let me have it my peeps! I'm looking forward to hearing them!**

**Just a few things, first off: there are 51 reviews to this story. and 66 favs or story alerts. (some people have both though but i'm not going to try and figure out that so i can give a more exact number.) ANYWHO! those are the stats right now. So if you want the super fab outtake of your choice, review and let me know what you'd like to see that we haven't seen. If you want to wait until we get to some more action, then let me know. **

**Second: **

**I have a few rec's I'd like to give. These are a few of the fics i'm reading right now that OWN me. **

**Primero: **

**Coming Through the Rye by Mac214. Umm... Edward is from Scotland. I don't really think I need to say anything else. He wears a kilt. He has an accent. I love how this writer actually writes phoenetically so that whatever Edward's saying is written the way its pronounced. Love the affect that adds to it. Basically, in this fic Edward looses his job and is in danger of losing his working visa and being deported. (*GASP* E-gad!) So of course, what does Bella, who's been in love with E since he first came across the pond, do? Well, offers to marry him if he can't find another job of course! Hilarious, heartfelt, and complete! which makes some people a whole lot of happy. ;) **

**Grand Jeté by stella luna sky. Ok in this one, Bella is a dance teacher but doesn't really have a ton of passion in her life. Enter Edward: he's recovering from cancer. There's some drama, there's some fluff, there's a heck of a lot of reading that makes me wish the story was completed and not in progress so I could read the whole dang thing in one swoop. I'm not sure how to summerize this one, just go read it. You won't be sorry.  
**

**My Ride Home by ocdmess. OK. LOVE LOVE LOVE this one. seriously It's been messing with my head and when I think I've figured something out the writer throws a smoke bomb in my face and I'm completely lost again. Edward is the new kid in town and Bella has a whole load of shit that she's dealing with, which include but is not limited to: an alcohalic father, a drifting friend, a mother who just doesn't give a shit, and now the new kid pissing her off. It's only seven chapters in but let me tell you, those seven chapters have me begging for more and I legit can't wait until the next update. **

**y el ultimo:**

**Hearts Keeping Time by adair7. In this one B swears off men. Musicians especially. But what happens when she gets a job with the help of friend Alice, and then subsiquently (spelled that wrong.) gets an interview with one of the hottest up and coming bands through A's connections also and WHAT IS THIS? how did Hot Coffee Guy get here? E is, of course, a musician. DUN DUN DUN! but its oh so fab. I love the characters she writes and the way she builds up Bella and Edward's relationship while they're apart and how at first, E thinks B is the enemy because she is a reporter (ahem, journalist _thank you very much.) _so READ THESE! and review lots my peeps! **

**that's all she wrote folks! i'm working on chapter 13 now and should be able to get it to musegirl by tonight or tomorrow. speaking of musegirl: many thanks to her beta-ing skills as well as the many rec's she gave me that i have to read through and probably have a small love affair with since she rocks at finding good fics. **

**so: who's writing the letters? what did Em say to E? what REALLY happened with Bella's dad and where does Jacob fit into all of this? we'll find out my chickadees. we will find out. **

**Read, review and LEAVE ME SOME LOVE!**

**xoxo**

**Mo  
**


	13. Chapter 13

**Ok: heavy stuff. here we go. let's put our big girl/boy pants on and see what's going on with our lady B**

* * *

_I wanted to forget Edward._

_Two days later, the letters started coming._

I came home from classes one day to find a neon yellow post-it note on my door, with two words in elegant hand writing:

_I'm sorry. _

I looked up and down both ends of the hallway. I walked to the stairwell and looked up and down. I walked to the other end of the hall and looked around the corner. I walked all over my entire floor.

No one was here. I walked back to my door and took of the post-it note. I had a pretty positive idea of where it had come from. A post-it note? It only served to make me angrier. He thought a post-it note with two words on it was enough to make up for all the shit he had pulled? That was bullshit. I crumpled the note in my hand and threw it to the floor, stomping my way into the apartment. The stupid note put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

The next day I woke up and discovered when I went to get my mail that there were two more post-it notes on my door, a neon yellow one with:

_I'm so, so sorry._

And another hot pink note with:

_I'm a daft prick. _

I looked at them, confused. I did what I did yesterday and looked all around, but no one was there. I was certain Edward had left them, but I didn't know what his motives were. Maybe he sincerely was sorry. But in reality, three post-it notes was a load of bull crap. Three post-it notes didn't say anything. I snatched the notes off the door and threw them to the floor as I had with the other one, making a point to step on them when I turned to go down to my mailbox and when I returned to my apartment.

The next day, there were more notes on the door. They met the same fate as the ones before them and as the ones after them met, lying crumpled on the hallway floor, stepped on, and eventually cleared away and replaced. Until one day the notes hit me differently, and I felt my resolve softening.

_I never deserved you. _

_You leave beauty everywhere you go._

_I'll never forgive myself for hurting you. _

These notes, I couldn't bring myself to get rid of. I took them down and placed them on the wall just inside my apartment, putting them there until I could find a better place to put them.

And so the days continued, and with each day came the notes.

_Sometimes I have long dreams about you. Just you and me laying somewhere. _

_I miss your smell. One of my jumpers still smells like you. _

_I wish you'd come to Duffy's. The staff misses you. If you'd come, I promise I'll leave you alone while you visit with everyone. _

_Do you remember that day it snowed, and you ran outside and closed your eyes and danced and spun in circles, with your face lifted to the sky? I've never seen anything more beautiful than that. _

_I miss you. _

_You have beautiful eyes. I know you say they're just brown, but you can see straight to your soul through them. You have beautiful eyes. You make brown beautiful._

_When you sleep, you whisper things. They don't always make sense, but it's one of the sweetest sounds I've ever heard. _

_Maybe post-its aren't the grandest of gestures, but I'm trying to give you words and actions._

_I wish that we could be having Chinese and watching a movie right now. I miss that. I miss you. _

_Did you know when you're concentrating on something, or when you're very focused on something, watching a movie or reading or whatever, you purse your lips? _

_You have really soft hands. _

_I'm sorry. _

_Sometimes I really want to phone you, but I know you won't answer. That ruins my day very often. Actually, it always ruins my day. I wish I could talk to you. _

_I'm bad with words, but I'm trying. For you, I'm trying. _

_I wish you would kick my arse for what I did. _

_Emmett kicked my arse. I let him. Jasper watched. I think he might have filmed parts of it. _

_I don't know what to say to you. I'm afraid I'll hurt you more. _

_I hate myself for what I've done. _

_I'm afraid I'll never be able to speak with you again. I'd hate that more than anything. _

_I'm so, so sorry._

_I meant everything I said that day. But, my words were overshadowed by the fact that I acted like a bloody daft bastard. _

_I miss you. _

_I miss you. _

_I miss you. _

Some days there was just a single post-it on my door. Some days there were compliments, some days it was things he missed, some days it was how much he hated what he'd done. Some days he'd beg for forgiveness. It was something different every day. He still sent flowers once a week. He still sent the occasional book. Jewelry was never seen again, neither were the 'surprise' gifts he would send. Once my entire door was covered in post-its describing a childhood tale of mischief between him and Emmett that he ended by saying that Rose had told him I was having a tough time, and he wanted me to smile.

One day, about three weeks after the post-its began, there was nothing at my door. For some reason, I became angry; angrier than I'd been in a long time. I quickly paced back into the house, forgoing getting my mail as my morning routine had dictated, and decided a trip to the gym was needed. I grabbed my wraps and threw them into my gym duffle along with a spare towel. Jasper had recommended a gym to me a few weeks back and I had been a few times, but not many.

I quickly changed my clothes and grabbed the bag, rushing out the door, glancing back once to see that the door was still void of any neon square of color.

I hailed a cab and was at the entrance of the gym in no time, flashing my membership card and stowing my duffle in the locker room in record time. I took out my hand wraps and methodically took to wrapping the elastic around my hands to protect them. Over, under, across, over, under, across, through one finger, over, across, through another finger and so on. I stretched and then headed out of the locker room to face a bag.

I found a free one and cracked my neck to the left and then to the right before wailing on it.

Upper cut, left hook, right hook.

Kick.

Duck.

Swing.

Hit.

Punch.

Sweat was pouring down my face and neck.

Round house kick.

Upper cut.

Right hook.

Right hook.

Duck.

Pivot.

Left hook.

Right hook.

Swing.

Hit.

Punch.

Kick.

Swing.

Hit.

Punch.

Kick.

Swing.

Hit.

Punch.

Kick.

Tears mixed with sweat.

Sobs mingled with grunts.

Silence was broken by sound.

Swing.

Hit.

Punch.

Kick.

Swing.

Hit.

Punch.

Kick.

Sob.

Punch.

Grunt.

Swing.

Cry.

Ache.

Kick.

Hit.

Punch.

Sweat.

Growl.

Scream.

Hit.

Kick.

Punch.

Swing.

Hit.

Kick.

Punch.

Sob.

Sob.

Sob.

Fall.

I fell to the ground in a heap and sobbed. No one came to me and coddled me, telling me everything would be alright. No one moved to help me up. The few people in the adjourning room left me to my demons, as I sat on the cold gym floor.

I don't know how long I sat before I picked myself up and walked away. I walked back to the locker room and grabbed my bag and walked home.

A letter in a red envelope awaited me, tacked to my door. I grabbed it off the door and stalked into my apartment, breaking the seal and pulling out the pages it held while walking into the apartment. I passed my answering machine and saw I had let the messages build up and knew that I should listen to them soon. I began to read the letter as I walked to the bedroom to change.

_Dear Bella,_

I stripped off my dirty clothes and placed the letter on my bed as I changed so that I could move around and keep reading what it said. The elegant script was impossible to deny the writer of the letter, which made me want to be all the more indifferent to it.

_I don't know if this will be a long letter, but I'll do my best to give you the words that you deserve. I want to give you nothing less than you deserve, Bella, because I've treated you in a way that no one should be treated. You are the kind of person who deserves the world. I'm so sorry that I didn't act accordingly._

I carried the letter with me as I walked back into the living room and pressed the answering machine playback button, deciding to multitask as I continued to absorb the words etched onto the paper.

_I've been sitting here for hours, I've been drafting this letter for days, and many parts of it have come on the sticky notes on your door. It just seems like there aren't words that make anything make sense, Bella. It seems like nothing I can say will ever get you to forgive me. And I want that ever so desperately. I'm so sorry Bella. I'm sorry for the way my actions hurt you. I'm sorry for my actions themselves. I'm sorry I'm a daft prick, a fecking eejit, and a goddamned son of a bitch. You never deserved the pain you received as a result of my selfish actions. _

"**Hey Bella! It's Alice, I was just wondering if you would be interested in doing a spa sort of day. We never really got to finish your make-over and I really think that it'd be great if we…"**

_There's no way to justify my actions to you Bella. But I can try. I don't want to make excuses; I just want you to understand me better. In no way does anything else I write in this letter excuse anything I said or did on New Year's or following. _

"…**so darlin' I'm just calling to see how you're doing. How are you likin' the gym I told you about? I don't know how I feel about a lil thing like yourself getting all riled up at a punching bag, but I suppose it's good for your soul. You let me know if you need…"**

_When my parents died, I kind of drifted. I was just numb. There was nothing. There was no one. When I hit my teen years, I rebelled. I drank to try and save myself from everything. I drank and did drugs and self-destructed, all in a vain attempt to feel nothing and everything all at the same time. I just wanted to feel something. I had sex with anything I could stick my wick in just so I could feel something, so that I could be connected to someone, somehow. It didn't work, I still felt empty all the time and I fell hard. I thought I was over that, but I guess I reverted to my childish ways again. I was afraid of losing you, and in that way I wanted to feel anything. Even if what I did ended in me feeling only pain that was not known in this world. In a way, I sought the drink again when I felt as though your desire to not accompany me to Alice's on New Year's as a means to rid yourself of me. I realize now, especially after talking with you and hearing the real reasons, that I'm still the biggest asshole in the world. _

"…**I know I asked you to cover Lauren's shift last week and I don't know what I'm going to do about her, but I s**_**wear**_**, I will pay you double overtime and I will give you like a million weeks of vacation time if you can fit in working tomorrow. I'll also throw in some free paperbacks…"**

_There are so many other things I can link my actions to, but I don't want to just offer you excuses. I don't want to give you empty words. I'm trying here, Bella, but I don't know what to do to make you want me again. I don't know if there's anything I can do to redeem myself. I don't think there is, and if there isn't, then I deserve that. I deserve worse than that. _

"**This is Brenda Wilkenson calling for a Miss Isabella M. Swan. If you could please call me back at your earliest convenience, it would be greatly appreciated. My number is…"**

_I treated you in a deplorable way, I said appalling things to you, I doubted your trust, I acted in a dreadful and unpardonable manner not once, but twice. I've brought up bad memories and created new ones for you, time and time again, when all I want to do is fix you. All I want to do is help you be happy. _

"**Miss Swan this is Jason Jenks calling on behalf of J. Jenks and Sons law firm. We'd greatly appreciate if you could call us back at your earliest convenience. We've tried to contact you prior, but it seems that you haven't returned our call…"**

_I don't think these words are enough. I don't think they will ever be enough. I just hope that one day you let me show you with my actions that I sincerely mean everything I've said in this letter. I mean to be brief, because I don't want to take too much of your time. If you'll let me, I'll elaborate on anything you want that I've included in this letter or anything else. I'll tell you why the bloody sky is blue if that's what you want. I'm just asking, begging you for a chance, Bella. _

"…**we hope that we aren't calling in error. Please, if this is not the contact information of a Miss Isabella Marie Swan, please call the law offices of J. Jenks and Sons as soon as possible at…"**

_Please, give me a chance. I don't think this will change anything, but I feel very, very, __very__, strongly for you, Bella. You are my future; I meant that when I said it. I see you old and grey by my side. I still want that, I always wanted it. I just let Jack Daniels try and convince me otherwise. I thought I was dreaming that night, when I did what I did. I was dreaming that you were there, touching me, stroking my cheek and my hair. And it was heavenly. It was an indescribable feeling. And then the dream bled into reality, and I didn't stop it, because I wanted the dream to be true, but it wasn't. _

"**Bella! It's Emmett, listen dove, I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket here and I was wondering if you'd be able to help me out and keep Rose busy for a few hours next Wednesday. I swear I'd owe you for a century if you'd help me with this…"**

_Nothing I can say will make anything different. But please, I beg of you, Bella, let me show you that I mean what I'm saying, that I meant every word I said before that disgusting night. I haven't seen you in months, and it kills me. Please let me change that. Please give me another chance, to at least just be your friend, or an acquaintance, anything. If you ever need me for anything, Bella, please don't hesitate to call me. Please don't hesitate to think that I won't drop everything to be with you and be there for you. If you don't want me though, I understand. I'll always wait for you, Bella. I will always fight for you. You are my forever, and I hope that I can get that forever back. _

"**I'm calling for a Miss Isabella Swan. This is the last contact information we have for her. We are hoping that we haven't reached this message in error, seeing as it says that a Miss Swan is unable to answer the phone. We hope, Miss Swan that you will get back to us as soon as possible as a very important matter must be dealt with…"**

_I'm sorry. I miss you. Please, give me another chance. _

"**Isabella Marie. This is your Grandmother speaking. Lawyers have been calling you for days and you have not responded. We will not wait any longer for your childish antics to stop. Your father has **_**died**_**, Isabella. I would hope that you're not as vindictive as your mother and that you'd be able to show up at his wake, funeral, and the reading of the will. Though you may not like it…"**

_Love,_

_Edward_

"**We are still family. So you will come and fulfill your duties and act in a manner in which you have been taught to act. You will not embarrass us, Isabella. I expect to hear from you within twenty-four hours. You will have your flight booked and your bags packed. We will be waiting at the beach house for your arrival. We expect you to come and show your father some respect, Isabella. You are to do what is expected of you." **

The letter ended and the message clicked off.

I was in shock.

My father was dead.

Edward wanted a second chance.

My grandmother expected me to return to a place I swore I'd never see again.

Edward ended his letter with "love."

Lawyers wanted to talk to me.

Edward wanted me to be his future.

How was I going to afford a plane ticket?

Edward was sorry.

How would I take time off from work and classes to go to New Jersey?

Edward tried to drown his pain in alcohol and had tried to do the same with the situation with me.

I would have to call my grandparents.

I would have to talk to Edward.

I would have to speak to family that hadn't acknowledged my existence for almost a decade.

I couldn't do this.

I couldn't do this.

What the ever-living fuck was I going to do?

Without my conscious permission, my hands reached for the phone and started dialing a number I never thought I would ever dial again. The voice that answered sounded groggy, as though I had woken them up from a deep slumber.

"Please… I need you. I just…I need you. Nothing more."

The voice on the other end of the line was quick to wake up and hear the panic and distraught in my voice.

"He's dead. He's really gone. Am I sad? Am I happy? He's…he's dead. He's dead."

A sob ripped through me and I found myself once again on the floor.

"He's dead. I need you."

The silence that filled me was not like the silence that came as a result of my parents' deaths or what happened with Edward.

This silence was like the one that wrapped itself around me after what happened with Jacob.

This was like I was a prisoner in my own body.

This was like my body was a shell, and I was looking out on this unknown world, where I stood unseen.

This silence made me invisible.

This silence trapped me.

This silence was so loud, it killed all other sound.

* * *

**AN: **

**hey there! ok so I know it's another short one, but I'm working on chapter 14 right now getting it all pretty and ready for my lovely beta. Many thanks to musegirl for her awesome beta-ing skills and her lovely companionship in this literary adventure. (that makes writing a story sound so much more entertaining/exciting than it actually is in reality.)**

**SO!**

**Who did Bella call?**

**What's she going to do about the GP's? **

**Will she go to New Jersey? **

**Will she face her dead daddy?**

**Will she do what is 'expected' of her?**

**Will she give the world the finger and crawl into her closet and never come out?**

**We'll find out chickadees. We'll find out. **

**To all those lovely people who've been reviewing: Thank you thank you thank you! I love each and every word that you write and they seriously make my day! HI! to all those new readers. It's good to have you aboard. **

**Ok kids, you know what to do, you've read, now let's review and let lovely lil Mo know what you think of her chapter 13, shall me? brilliant. onward, loves. **

**i'll meet you back here in a week with chap 14. check out the polyvore for the new set. 3 **

**mucho love,**

**Mo  
**


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: And in this chappie, we get some answers. I'm nervous about the reception that this chapter will recieve. I'm probably the most nervous about this chapter. i kinda don't want to post it and just skip right on over to chapter 15, but i think there might be lynch mobs, and those are never fun, and i just started sign language class, I'd like to actually graduate. So: Read on Oso-ers, read on! I'll meet you down beloooooooooow!**

* * *

The woods were dark and lovely at night. They hid everything. I remember running into them, seeking refuge every time the faint, delicate sound of clinking bottles could be heard from the basement. A sound considered so faint, something that might even be seen as music, reached my ears as a loud, roaring warning to get far away.

There was a swing within the trees. Sometimes I had to wander in the darkness for a while to find it, but I usually did. For some reason, the solitude in the darkness didn't frighten me. If I couldn't see anything, nothing would be able to see me.

That swing was there all the time. When I needed to take comfort within the darkness. When I wanted to cry and have no one see. When I just wanted silence. When all I had left was silence. It was always there.

All I could think about was that swing and how much I wished I were able to just go to it right now. My dad had shaken up my life once again, and all I could bring myself to think about was the swing in the back of his house in Forks. It was like it was engrained in my mind. Charlie did something, I went to the swing. Now there was no swing and I wasn't sure what to do to seek comfort.

"Bella?"

I looked up from where I was sitting to see someone looking down at me with concern in their eyes. It was the first sound I had heard since I hung up the phone. I wasn't trapped in the silence anymore at least. I wasn't sure if this was the first time my name had been called, but it was the first time it had registered in my mind.

They crouched in front of my and hesitantly put their hands on my shoulders.

"Bella? I don't know what to do for you. You have to help me out here. What do you need, Bella? What can I do?"

Just the fact that I could hear this person's voice was making it easier, better. I was being held down to earth again. The hands on my shoulders were planting me to this floor and making it so I wasn't just flying off into space.

"I think…I think I want… to take a shower."

Eyes filled with shock looked back at me.

"You... you want to take a shower? Right now?"

"Yes."

I sat on the floor a little longer staring into the concerned eyes. Neither of us moved. Neither of us spoke. We stayed where we were until I was picked up off the ground and carried into the bathroom where I was placed on my feet once again. I sat down on the toilet and stared at the shower. A little while later, I'm not sure how long; a clean set of clothes was thrust in my line of vision. Sweats.

Just as the door to the bathroom was closing I seemed to snap out of my daze and be able to speak.

"Stay! Please…"

Shocked eyes met mine once again through a space between the door and its frame.

"Ok."

I stepped into the shower and took off my clothes, throwing them over the curtain when I was done. I turned on the taps and stood in the corner until the water adjusted.

"You can just sit on the toilet if you'd like. Or…whatever…"

I checked the water temperature and when it was hot enough to leave my skin pink but not hot enough to burn, I stepped under the spray. I didn't really need a shower; I had taken one at the gym. But for some reason, whenever something happened, the water always calmed me down. For some reason everything just made sense in the shower. The steam itself seemed to seep into me and clear out my mind. The heat that pulsed against my skin and ran in rivers down my body was warm and welcoming, like the water itself was comforting me. It was as close as I could get at times to someone wrapping their arms around me and holding on tight. I don't know how many times I had done this in the past. Sometimes it left me feeling empty, but it always made me feel like I could hold on for just a little longer.

"Why did you call me?"

I turned my head toward the voice that came from just beyond the flimsy shower curtain. I was pretty sure my silhouette was visible through the thin barrier, but I didn't think much of it and I felt no shame.

"I don't know."

That was a lot of the truth. I really didn't know why it had been my first instinct to dial the number that I did. I don't think anyone was as shocked as I was that I had made my fingers punch those few keys into the phone.

"Who died, Bella?"

It was like someone slapped me. Somehow I had seemed to just get lost in the feelings that were drowning me alone and forgot that he was really gone. My dad was dead; it was a strange notion to come to terms with.

"My father."

There was a beat of silence before he spoke again.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"I'm not entirely sure I am…"

There was more silence as I just stood under the water. I reached for the shampoo and decided to at least pretend that I actually needed this shower. My water bill was going to be insane because I knew that I wouldn't be getting out of this shower anytime soon and that this would be happening for a few days to come.

"Why did you call me, Bella?"

I thought about his question.

Why had I called him? It was pure instinct. I didn't think about it. I needed him, and I wanted him with me. Things had happened between us, but that didn't change the fact that he was the glue I needed to hold myself together.

"You said that if I needed you, you'd be here. I need you."

A moment passed and I took my time rubbing the shampoo into my hair.

"Do you…do you forgive me?"

I thought about this as I kept lathering the shampoo into my hair. The strawberry scent was pungent in the air.

"I don't know… I just… I'm not sure yet. I don't really understand what happened… or is happening. I just… I need someone right now. You were my first instinct. You were my first reaction. Can you just…be with me? Just for right now? I don't know how much more I can handle right now. I'm not sure I can deal with everything all at once…"

"That's fine. I'll do whatever you need me to do."

"Thank you."

I washed out the soap from my hair and moved onto conditioner.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"What do you need me to do?"

I rubbed the conditioner into the ends of my hair, the spread it through the rest of it. I massaged the cream in for a while as I thought about it. What did I need? What could someone actually _do_ for me?

"I have to go to New Jersey. I have to face my father's side of the family. I can't fall apart. I don't know… I don't know how I'm going to do all of this-"

"I'll go with you."

My head snapped up at this and I tried to make out his shape in through the shower curtain.

"You will?"

"Yeah. Of course. You said you needed me; I'll go. No obligation, no tricks. You need me; I'll be there for you. Always, Bella. I told you that. In a heartbeat."

Tears slowly and silently made their way down my cheeks, mixing with the water from the shower. Sometimes crying silently took more energy than heaving great sobs. Sometimes it drained everything out of you.

"Thank you."

"Bella?"

"Mmhmm?"

I was washing out some of the conditioner, running my fingers through the silky strands of hair that were left behind.

"I thought your father was already dead."

My heart stopped. He's dead.

He's dead.

Why does it seem like I keep forgetting that he's gone? Is it because it seemed like he always was gone? Is it because a part of me has been waiting…maybe even…hoping? That he would be gone. But now, now it's forever. Now there is nothing.

"No. I said he wasn't here. I said he was gone. He was alive. I don't know where. Washington, New Jersey, somewhere else… I'm not sure. He's dead now. Charles William Swan. He's dead. He's gone."

The silence that fell among us after that statement was pressing against my lungs, shouting louder than anything I'd heard. It seemed to drag on forever and not even the sound of the water falling from the shower was enough to counteract it.

"Bella, what did he do to you?"

I stared at the tiles as I sank down to the floor of the shower, the water hitting harder against my skin. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around myself. And then I began the story that I never wanted to tell again. Then I became naked.

"My parents divorced when I was young. My mom hung around for a while, staying in Port Angeles, near Forks, where I was born. But eventually, she met my stepdad and we moved to where he was from, in Arizona. I saw my dad on weekends when we were in Washington but once we moved, I saw him every summer."

"I never knew why my parents divorced. To me it seemed like they loved each other. I mean, looking back now, it was obvious that they didn't. Ignorance really is bliss, I guess. In the child's eye, it looked like love, but in reality, it was survival. My mom was trying to survive so that she didn't tear my life apart. She was trying to give me stability and the home life that she had when she was a girl. She wanted things to work out. My dad was just trying to get what he wanted. It was cold...they…were just… cold. Everything in my mind is just these cold memories of the two of them. They never touched. They never laughed with each other. They never danced or played or really spent any time together. They were more like roommates than lovers. But that's hindsight, I suppose."

"When I was thirteen my mom started making me go to Alateen. It's a support group for kids and teens that have alcoholics in their families or immediate circles. I never knew who the alcoholic in my family was, so I never really got a lot out of it. It was just something I had to do on Sunday nights. My mom went to Alanon, I went to Alateen. That's how it was. Finally, I learned from my mom that it was Charlie, my dad, who had problems with drinking. I didn't believe her at first. Then I kind of got a rude awakening."

"After we moved to Arizona, Charlie was different. Whenever I talked to him on the phone, he was always going on about how horrible my mother was. He would tell me these stories about how she always wanted to get rid of me. He told me once that she drove to Portland and left me there with a woman and my dad had to go all the way there to get me. But, my mom had never been to Portland. She'd never even been to Oregon."

"When I would visit, he started being so…I don't know what the right word is. Controlling, in your face, I don't know. He wanted to know what I was doing and who I was doing it with at all times. Not like a father who wants to know what his daughter is doing, but like…like a jealous and controlling boyfriend. Dating was out of the question. My dad was police chief for one, so it's not like anyone there would want anything to do with me. He started yelling, all the time, just constant yelling. The noise…God, he would just yell and yell and yell about everything. The house was a mess, the car wasn't working, my mother was a whore, my mother's family was insane, my stepfather was no good, I was useless. Always things about how useless I was. My father was the only boy in his family, so he had to have a son to carry on the family name. Obviously, that didn't happen."

"In his family's eyes, I was an automatic failure. I would never continue on the family name, which was all they wanted. They wanted Swan in high places and among high people. My father's job was to produce an heir that would do that; he failed. But in turn, he made sure I knew all the time that it was all my fault. I killed the family because I couldn't be a boy."

"Girls can't do anything. They're good for nothing, only carrying babies and cleaning. What was he going to do with that? So that's what I did. I was his surrogate wife. What he couldn't get from me he got from the town's whores. That was the only way in which I wasn't his true wife. He never saw me as a daughter. Never. He saw me as something to own. He saw me as some sort of…tool. An object. I can't explain it. There was no love. There was only convenience. Most fathers would protect their daughters with their lives. Mine didn't. Mine wanted me to cook and clean and ignore the fact that he was constantly drunk."

"He would go into the basement and come back reeking of cheap beer. And then he would start in on me. When I was in my junior year, my mom married Phil, and that was when I went to live with Charlie. They were newlyweds and I didn't want to take away from their time together. I thought they deserved to be alone without the hindrance of a teenager hanging around. I figured I could stay out of Charlie's way and he'd stay out of mine."

"But that's not what happened. He would constantly try and set me up with these guys. He would constantly try and get me to want to be with one of his friends' sons or just even his friends. And I would date them, just to try to get some peace. But then as soon as we were alone Charlie would just scream. He would scream about how I was a whore like my mother, good for nothing, and that I was supposed to stay and take care of him. He told me I had no business leaving him and how dare I even think about being with another man. He always told me that I was nothing without him. Nothing, he would say. Worse than the shit on his shoes. It was horrible. Nothing I did was good enough. I was working, going to school and getting straight A's in high level classes, all AP and honors, taking care of the house and him, having no social life outside of all the dates he forced on me, and just trying to survive."

"He would do things. God. He made me live in fear. In constant fear. He never hit me. Never once did anything illegal. But that's not really surprising; I mean he was the goddamned chief of police. Who would have thought that Charlie Swan would ever be anything other than charming and polite? But he kept me filled with fear. I wouldn't sleep, I'd stay up until all hours of the night because I was afraid that he would come into my room and do…_something. _I didn't even have a door to my bedroom. Just the frame. He took my door off one day because he said it made more room. But God, it was just another way for him to control. It was just another way for me to jump at every little goddamn noise that came through the air. Every shadow that passed in front of that doorframe made my heart leap. I would get dressed in the bathroom. I had no privacy. Nothing was private. It didn't matter. In his eyes I shouldn't have anything that was private. He wanted to control. He wanted me to be weaker."

"He would just, touch me. High up on my thigh. And…_rub it. _And then just smirk and walk off. Like it was _nothing. _Or I would say something and he would get this look on his face and wind up like he was going to hit me. He used to smack me upside the head constantly. _Love pats_ he called them. Sometimes it would make my vision go out for a few seconds, but it never left a mark. An open handed smack to the back of the head. No severe head trauma, no bruising or swelling, no evidence, nothing. Just a _love pat_ to make sure I stayed in line. And he would get this look on his face. God, I see it in my nightmares and I just can't take it. He would look at me like…like he wanted to kill me. Like he was going to do all the things that I was so afraid that he would do. And he had…pure evil in his eyes. He would grit his teeth and lock his jaw and his veins would be bulging and he would just c_harge _at me and it was horrible. It was horrible. The fear. I can't even explain it. All I knew for so long was fear from my father."

"One night, _God, _I hate thinking about this. I hate reliving it, but it plays in my mind over and over like a goddamn fucking movie. I came home from visiting my mom, and I was so tired. I had just graduated and I was going back to Arizona in a few weeks again to live with my mom before going off to college. I hadn't told Charlie about it but I had to get all sorts of things organized before I left so I had to come back to Washington. I had to. I couldn't…I _had _to go back. I came home and he just, he headed straight for the basement. He was gone for so long and he just… he came back and there was just fury. Pure hatred. Nothing less. He yelled and yelled about how I was selfish to leave him, that my mother would ruin me. That she never cared about me and that the only person who could ever love me was him. God, he said that so much. No one could possibly love someone like me. He kept saying it over and over and over. And I snapped."

"I told him I was leaving. I told him that I would come back, because I didn't want him to freak out. But I said that in about a week I would be on a plane back to Arizona and that I would be staying there until college, a college that he didn't know I was going to, that was not in Washington. I said that I needed to pack my things and leave. I told him that I would stay for a week, but that my mom was coming. She was going to come up a few days later to help me with some things."

"And he just…he flipped. I don't know how to describe what happened… it was chaos. He started screaming that I wasn't leaving, that there was no way in hell that I was leaving. He told me I would never make it in college. He told me that I didn't have what it takes to be in the real world. He told me I would never be able to survive without him. He said that he brought me into this world and he could take me out just as fast. Then he just started waving his hands at me. He was just throwing his arms around in the air gesturing wildly. I can't…I don't know. I just don't know. He told me I was dead to him. He said that I wasn't his daughter, that I was just a piece of shit whore. And he walked out of the house to go to the basement. You had to go outside to get to it, there were these metal doors with stairs that led down there, to like a crawl space, I don't know. But he left."

"I ran upstairs to my room and just started packing. I called a friend from school who had his license and had always helped me out when I really needed it but didn't want to ask for it. Seth did everything he could to try and help me out. When I call him, He started freaking out, because he was on his way to his apartment in Port Angeles, about a half hour away, maybe more, I don't know, I can't really remember… like an hour away tops, but he turned around and came back. He turned around to help me."

"Then Charlie came up to my room. And he was so drunk. But…he had taken drugs this time, too. His eyes…you couldn't see the blue anymore…they were just black. Pitch black. He kept screaming at me to sit down. And I wouldn't. He just kept saying sit down, sit down, sit the fuck down, and I just kept saying no. I wouldn't sit down. It was like… it was the only thing I had. It was me standing up to him. You know? I mean, it was stupid but…it was the only thing I had. He had taken…everything. It was all I had…"

"I told him that Seth was coming. I told him that I would wait outside on the porch for Seth and that I would come back, but that I thought we needed some time apart to think. I was trying so hard to calm him down. I was trying so hard to just handle the situation. I was trying to just get out and get out alive. I was just…trying. There was nothing though… there was nothing. And he just sat down in my doorway, blocking it. He had nailed my windows shut previously, so I had no escape. There was nowhere I could go. He just kept yelling and yelling and yelling and I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. The things he said… the disgusting things he said. I was so scared. I didn't know if he'd rape me or kill me, or what. I just… I didn't know what to do. He just kept _yelling." _

"Then he finally got up, and he cornered me. My room wasn't that big but I just…God I can't explain the terror. I almost blacked out. And you know what the sick part is? I _wanted _him to hit me. I just wanted him to do _something_ so badly so that it would all just end. So that it could be over and I could move on. And he _knew. _He did it on purpose so that I would feel that way. And he never really _did_ anything. He just used words. He used something that I used so passionately; he used something that was a part of me against me. He got up in my face and screamed again. Then, finally, he stumbled to the side and I ran. I sprinted down the stairs and out of the house, calling Seth and telling him I would meet him at the diner and that he could pick me up there. I was walking away from the house as fast as I could. And then I heard them. The fucking footsteps. God, I still fucking hear them all the time. The sound of him fucking coming after me. Like I was a fucking dog. He chased me like I was just…cattle. I don't know. He chased me down the fucking road. He grabbed me and he held onto my arms so tightly that they bruised and he shook me. I remember my head snapping back and forth because of it. And he tried to pull me to the ground. He tried to flip my body so that I would go head first into the pavement so that I would black out and he could drag me back to the house. I had seen him to it to other people before; I'd seen him train fellow cops to do it. I'd seen him use it on criminals."

"I shoved him hard and then tried to get away. He grabbed my phone and my bag out of my hand and I shoved him again. I got free from his grip and I ran. I ran about 3 or 4 blocks before I stopped and just looked around me. I was alone, so I just started walking. We lived pretty far from the diner. Maybe 5 miles? So I just started walking. Eventually, a cop car pulled up alongside me. I freaked. I was afraid that Charlie has put his badge on, or that one of the creepier officers that Charlie had made me go on dates with was pulling up. I started hyperventilating. I just…it was a nightmare. It couldn't be real…it just couldn't be real… and it was."

"It turned out to be an old friend of my mom's, one of Charlie's cops. He stopped me on the side of the road and told me that my dad had tried to get them to pick me up for assaulting a police officer. I started sobbing. I sobbed and told Harry what happened and begged him to believe me. A younger cop pulled up, someone just new on the force, James…something… I think? He walked over to me and smirked, like I was some sort of plaything. He asked me, "So, your dad's the chief of police, huh?" Like my story didn't even matter. Like the fact that my dad wore a uniform and a badge made him completely above the law and made his word law, made him completely incapable of ever doing anything wrong, even though Harry was well aware that Charlie was drunk and high beyond belief."

"Harry told me he would go get my things from my dad's, but that I had to ride with James to the station to wait for Seth. I had to give my statement. Harry wasn't arresting me, he knew Charlie wouldn't remember what happened in the morning and he knew that I was innocent. Harry wanted the incident report written up though. He told me he would file it here and in Port Angeles so that Charlie couldn't do anything with it. James made me ride in the back of the car. Like I was a criminal. I did nothing wrong and I ended the night in the back of a cop car. He started cranking the radio, playing this new Britney Spears song and singing along. He actually stopped the car and started talking to these girls about his plans for later that night. It was disgusting. He kept winking at me through the rear view mirror, leering at me. He finally got me to the station and Harry was already there with my suitcases and a box of my things. He handed me my cell and told me Charlie had passed out, so he cleared out my room for me. I called Seth and he came and got me. I stayed with him until my mother flew up and brought me back to Arizona. I haven't seen Charlie since. His family wants nothing to do with me, I was supposed to just shut up and deal with it, just take care of Charlie and deal with the drinking. It wasn't something that was supposed to be aired in public. It was something to be swept under the rug and ignored. My job was to care for Charlie. That was my d_uty. _It was what was e_xpected _of me. And now I have to go…and face them all…and…God…the way they'll look at me…and oh my God, I'll have to…stay with them…shit… and… and-"

The reality of the situation was crashing down on me and sobs wracked through my body as the now cold water stung my skin. I sobbed and cried and barely noticed as the water was turned off and I was picked up.

I clung to him. I held on as tightly as I could. It didn't matter that I was naked, the words I had spoken left me barer than simply my lack of clothing. There was nothing left of me right now. I was aware he was speaking softly, but nothing was making sense. I was trapped inside myself again. I felt clothing being pushed on my body, but I wouldn't be able to tell you if I was in my bathrobe or if I had sweats and a t-shirt on. That night was flashing in my mind over and over and over. I couldn't escape it. I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't breathe.

"Shh…come on, Bella. Deep breaths. Listen, can you hear me breathing? Breathe when I breathe, ok? In and out. In and out. Good. Good girl. Come on. In and out."

My breathing calmed slightly as I tried to follow his breaths. I was desperate to just get away from this. But it was just so hard; it clung to me so tightly.

I was lying on my bed now, on top of him, as he exaggerated his breathing to try to get me to follow it.

"Tell me what to do, Bella. Tell me what you want me to do. What do you need?"

"I need it to go away, make it go away. Please."

"How? How, Bella?"

"Why is the sky blue?"

"What?"

"You told me…in your letter…you'd tell me why the sky is blue. Why is the sky blue, Edward? Why is the sky blue?"

"It's a reaction of certain gases and pollution in the air...I think. I'm not entirely positive."

I tried to think of anything else to ask, anything that would get my mind away from where it was but I was just getting sucked back into the movie that was playing in my mind.

"I can't…I just…I can't."

"What's your favorite Audrey Hepburn movie, Bella?"

What?

"Umm… uh… Paris When It Sizzles. Or Breakfast at Tiffany's. I don't… Sabrina? I don't-"

"What's your favorite fruit?"

"Umm…," I took a big breath of air, trying to calm my sobs and trying to be able to speak, "Strawberries."

"What color was your dress when your mother got remarried?"

"Uh… it was…" I took a big, deep breath, feeling like I was hyperventilating, "It was kind of a rose…rose pink. It was pretty. I still…I still…have it."

"Where was Phil from?"

I gasped in a deep breath of air, trying to follow the rise and fall of his chest as an indicator of how I should pace my breaths. His questions were all over the place and it was hard to jump from each one.

"He's…umm…he was from…Arizona. His mother…was… from Chile. His father…his father…was American."

"Do you speak any other languages?"

I nodded my head, desperately trying to regain control over my body.

"Three."

"Spanish? Do you speak Spanish, Bella?"

"Yes. I speak… I know…yes."

"How do you say bed in Spanish, Bella?"

The words were floating through my brain. I tried to focus on his voice. The sound of his voice was pulling me back.

"Cama."

"How do you say shirt?"

"Camisa."

"How do you say hug in Spanish?"

"Abrazo."

"Hello, my name is Edward?"

"Umm… uhh…God…um…"

I couldn't think. My mind was clouded and it felt like body was flooded with water and weighed down, and I was high above it. Like I was floating away but that I was just barely tethered to the earth. I felt separated and pulled apart in an inexplicable way.

"Come on, Bella, keep talking. Focus on translating for me. How do you say Hello, my name is Edward."

I racked my brain for the words. Shifting through everything trying to get the words I wanted.

"Hola, me llama Edward."

"Good. Good. Your accent is beautiful, Bella. How do you say 'How much does a cheeseburger cost?"

He was going all over the place with this.

"Umm… cuanto…cuanto cuesta una…hamburguesa con…queso?"

I wasn't sure if anything I was saying made sense in Spanish. But I was trying to focus on his voice; trying to get out of the trap my mind was setting for itself.

"Good girl. What other languages do you speak, Bella? Huh?"

"Umm… a little Portuguese? And ummm…"

"Good. Good. Say something, Bella. Say…Christ…ummm… Thank you! How do you say 'thank you' in Portuguese?"

Thank you. What did thank you mean? It was coming easier, my mind was tiring, but I kept trying to focus on what he was saying.

"Muitu obligado."

"Ok. Where would you go if you could go anywhere in the world, Bella?"

"Any…anywhere?"

"Anywhere, right now. Come on, Bella. We need you to calm down. You're almost there. Where would you go?"

"En- … England. Jane… Jane Austen's house. London. Everywhere."

"I'll take you, Bella. I swear. We'll go to England. Where else? Where else do you want to go? Shakespeare's amphitheater? Buckingham Palace? Big Ben? Where else, Bella?"

"Yes. There, too. Everywhere…just…every…everywhere."

"Ok. Good. Ok, if you could eat anything right now, what do you want? Any food. Name it."

"Umm…cheese…cheeseburger? Maybe-"

"With chips right? Do you want chips with your burger, Bella?"

"Yeah…ok…"

"Esme wants to visit soon. She wants to go to a play somewhere; do you want to go with her?"

"Ok… um… sure?"

"Great. What play do you want to see, Bella? What have you always wanted to see?"

"Um… the uh… Phantom of the Opera? Ummm…Les Miserables?"

"Ok. I'll tell Esme and we'll see what we can find. What do you want to do when you graduate, Bella? Hmm? What do you want to do? Where do you want to work?"

"I…ummm…teaching? And to…write."

I was fading fast, the hysterics were wearing off and exhaustion was setting in, but Edward kept me talking. He kept asking questions, he kept my mind away from where it wanted to go, and I prayed it would be enough to keep the nightmares away.

"Brilliant. What do you want to write about, Bella?"

"I don't…I don't know. Life. Goals. Anything…something…something good."

"What do you want to teach?"

"Umm…high…high school. Literature."

I was falling asleep and I didn't hear his next question. I just felt him stroking my hair and whispering. All I heard was his voice humming a melody I could just barely make out. Tears were still falling down my face, but I was no longer hyperventilating. I was just so tired. I was tired physically, and I was tired of the reaction that Charlie always caused. I was just tired of it all. I wanted to sleep and never wake up.

And then his voice broke through, just as I was about to drift away finally.

"I'll give you all your dreams, Bella. I'll fix it. I'll find a way to give you everything you deserve and more."

And those words took me to my dreamland.

* * *

**AN: So. we have Bella's story. Well, at least Bella's story in relation to Charlie. We have the re-entrance of Edward (umm... can I get a Hallelujah and an Amen?). Just a note: Bella is not running back into Edward's arms. This will all be explained later on (i know, you probably want to murder me for how often I say that. Please dont...) but for now we're at the: "fuck if i know" stage. **

**So: More Edward, no more Charlie, Family drama to come. OH MY! **

**About last chapter and why it was all italicized: i have no freaking idea. I kinda want to change it but I don't want to delete all the reviews it has. meh. when the story is finished, I'll fix it. someone remind me. haha! **

**so. Bella's story? what do we think? what do we think about edward being there? WHAT DO WE THINK ABOUT THE NAKED? though it wasn't really sexin' naked...**

**but it was still naked. **

**ok that's enough of my nervous rant. **

**read, review, and let me know what you're thinkin' guys, gals, and undecideds! **

**mucho love,**

**Mo**

**p.s. MUSEGIRL = BEST BETA EVER! for cereal boys and girls. you should be jealous. many thanks are being sent her way. many.  
**


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: hi folks! i hope you haven't forgotten about me of this tale! i'm not dead, and here is chapter 15. finally, i know. apologies below! **

**without further hogwash, B&E:**

* * *

_You don't have to do this. _

That little voice that had been popping in and out every few minutes making itself known. That small part of myself that wanted to be selfish and run.

_You don't have to do this._

But I did. I really did. There was a part of Charlie, a few years when I was younger and my parents were married, a few years right after the divorce when he stopped drinking, there was a man who was the ideal father. There were times he would take me fishing, there were times he would wake me up so early on a Saturday and take me out hiking, rewarding our efforts with brunch at the diner afterwards. There were trips to museums and to the beach. There were good memories. They were just overshadowed by the bad.

_You don't have to do this. _

And I didn't. I really didn't have to do anything. But then, he would win. I would be running again. I wanted to not only honor the man that my father occasionally was, the man my father _could _have been whom I myself had buried long ago, but also to show him that he didn't win. Charlie didn't win. I would not be afraid and I would not run. I would face my family one last time and then be done with it.

_You don't have to do this. _

I did. I really did. I don't know why. But there was never any doubt in my mind that I wouldn't go. It never occurred to me to _not_ go to the funeral. It didn't make sense to me. But now those words were in my head. Did not going make me vindictive and spiteful or did it make me weak and fearful? Did going to the funeral make me strong and fearless or did it make me meek and a pushover; did it make me stupid? There was no way I could win.

_You don't have to do this. _

Why did this have to be so complicated? Why?

That little voice wasn't even my own. It was Edward's. And he hadn't stopped saying them since I told him I needed to arrange a flight for New Jersey and one for him as well. It was so hard to explain, even to myself, this intense need to be at the funeral. To go back to where I came from and just…do…something. I didn't even think about it. It was like a normal person going to their father's funeral, just without having been terrorized by them.

What was the right thing to do? What was the option that I could easily point to and say "Yes. This is good."? Why wasn't anything in this world black and white?

Maybe this was why I clung so much to everything black and white. Maybe because there was so much uncertainty surrounding my father, that I was desperate for some black and white situations so that's how I chose to view the world. I wished everything could be black and white with my dad, but it wasn't. And now he was gone, and there was no hope of it ever being that way.

I shoved the shirts in my hand more forcefully into the suitcase lying on my bed as that thought passed through my head.

Edward didn't agree with me or maybe he didn't understand, I don't know, but he didn't want me going back to New Jersey. He had said that he would be coming with me, but now I doubted if he really would. Maybe he wouldn't see that this was worth anything. A part of me was desperate to have someone hold my hand through all of this, and another part of me, a pessimistic part, realized that the less of Edward I saw, the easier it would be when he just disappeared again.

I was shoving random clothes and items I thought I would need into the suitcase. I wasn't sure how long I would be staying in New Jersey, so I was packing enough to last… a while. I may also have been over packing to procrastinate getting on a plane this afternoon.

A honk sounded outside of my apartment and I looked down to see Alice's car in front of my building. I waved to her from my window, not sure if she could see me, and zipped up the suitcase finally, glanced around my room one last time and then grabbed up all my things and headed for the door. I guess Edward decided not to come after all. It was a daunting though that I was going to have to deal with all of this on my own.

Would I be able to deal with my family by myself?

Would I be able to handle going through Charlie's things?

Would I be able to cope with accepting that I would never be able to speak to Charlie again?

Would I be able to accept the fact on, on my own, that I would never get to hear Charlie apologize? To hear him tell me that he was proud of me? To hear him say that he was wrong?

Could I do this all on my own?

I guess I would find out.

As I was walking out of my apartment something on the door caught my eye.

A flash of yellow.

I twisted my head in shock to come face to face with a post-it note.

A post-it note from Edward.

He kept writing even though we were talking again.

He was still writing to me.

What did that mean?

I ripped the note off the door in excitement only to discover that it was more than one note stacked one right on top of the other

_You are the most stubborn person I've ever met_._ I don't know why I tend to find that slightly endearing…_

_I think I would follow you anywhere, no matter where you were to go._

_I wish I could make it all go away for you._

_We're not taking my car to the airport. _

What the hell did that all mean?

And did Edward plan on showing up if Alice was here?

And what was Alice doing here if Edward was going to take me to the airport? If he even is taking me to the airport?

Was he going to get on the plane with me or would he just be dropping me off?

There were so many questions, and the only way to get any answers was to walk down the stairs and out to Alice's car.

I walked down the stairs lugging my suitcase behind me, thanking God above that it had wheels and I wouldn't be forced to carry its full weight.

I stepped out of the apartment, and it was surprisingly sunny. I had to shield my eyes from the sun, before Alice's car came into view.

There was Edward, leaning against the side of Alice's car. He simply leaned over and opened the passenger side door. He walked to me, took my bags and helped me into the car before he closed the door and moved around to the trunk to put my suitcase away. He quickly jogged back around and got into the front. For a few seconds he just stared ahead before he turned to me and gave me a smile, and then started the car. I couldn't bring myself to stop staring at him. I placed my hand on top of where his rested on the gear shift and whispered the only words I could think of, even though they didn't seem even close to significant enough.

"Thank you."

To say I was a little nervous would have been an understatement. I was nearing a panic attack as we found our seats on the plane, that Edward had upgraded to first class. I gave him a look to show I wasn't pleased that he was still going the material gifts route, but he claimed that coach seats were not made for people over 6 feet and that this gesture was purely a selfish one.

Yeah, ok.

So here I was sitting in a huge, unnecessarily so, airplane seat, with a television screen offering all sorts of entertainment for the relatively short flight from Chicago to Newark airport. The plane was taxing down the runway now, and it seem I had just been staring at the screen. There was no going back now. I was stuck on this plane. I was going to New Jersey. I was going back. I'd have to face them. Why? Why was I doing this to myself? I gripped the armrest tightly and tried my best to stay calm and not embarrass myself in front of all these strangers.

"Bella?"

I snapped my head to face Edward at the sound of his soft, worried voice. My eyes were wide with fear and uncertainty, and I'm sure he could see that.

"How do you say plane in Spanish, Bella?"

I took a deep breath and thanked him for the distraction. Trying to stave off the panic attack and focus on Edward's soothing voice.

"Avion."

"Good. What did you want to be when you grew up?"

I laughed softly before I answered, knowing that he would never believe this answer.

"A cop. Or a firefighter."

Edward laughed loudly.

"You're fibbing. Though you would make a very pretty constable. I wouldn't mind getting arrested by you, duck. Though I can't say I'm thrilled that you'd want to be running into burning buildings." He winked at me when he said that and I blushed. I was still dead set on just getting through whatever was going to happen in New Jersey, and right now I couldn't think about the limbo that our relationship, or lack thereof, was in.

"Why did you want to be a policewoman or a firewoman?"

Without thought, I buried my head into the crook of Edward's neck, seeking the comfort his nook brought me. I stiffened as soon as I did it, but relaxed once Edward started to slowly stroke my hair. I had once told him that I loved when people played with my hair. That the feeling made me relax so quickly and was just so soothing. It surprised me that he remembered. I stayed where I was, in an unauthorized nook, something I was determined to declare a "friendship nook."

"My father was chief of police. There were some years when he wasn't drinking, you know? And…I don't really know how to explain it. He was also a volunteer firefighter. He was actually a firefighter before he became a cop. When my parents were still married and I was born, my mom begged my dad to get a new job, that the one he had was too dangerous and wasn't fair to me, that he was constantly putting his life in danger and one day I might not have a father because of it. So, my dad became a cop. My mom was furious, but she couldn't really do anything about it. I guess she figured being a small town cop was better than running into burning buildings. Anyway, I remember when I would be with my dad; he was constantly running out of the house when I was there to go on fire calls whenever he wasn't working. And every time he left, he would either turn on something like Law and Order or some firefighter movie or TV show for me to watch, and tell me that that was what he was going to do. And I would watch these shows and see how these people, my dad, were saving lives and helping people and making a difference and I wanted that. My dad would talk nonstop about how great it was being a firefighter. Sometimes, I think he really resented me because if I hadn't been born, he wouldn't have had to give it up professionally and for so long. He only started fighting fires as a volunteer when I was 10 or 11 again. Then he stopped again, when his drinking was too much to let him do much of anything, and I think he blamed me again for taking it away from him twice. I think he figured if I wasn't there he wouldn't have had to drink, if he didn't drink he could be back out there in the action. It was a vicious cycle that always led back to me."

"But how does a man who doesn't want his own daughter run out and save other peoples' lives? How can you point to a man and say, "Oh, he's a hero," when at home he's terrorizing his daughter? How does that make sense?"

I stopped talking and hid deeper in the nook, breathing in Edward's scent. I didn't really want to talk about my father anymore, just yet. When I had called my grandmother back to let her know I'd be coming, she made it clear that I'd have to say a few words at his funeral. It wasn't something I wanted to do at all. These people would want to hear about how great a man my father was. I couldn't lie, but how was I supposed to not lie and tell these people what they wanted to hear?

"Tell me about your mother, Bella."

I thought about it for a while. My mother was never perfect. She wasn't the world's greatest mom. I think after she died I created this idealistic picture of her. In reality, she wasn't the adult, I was.

"My mom…I don't know. I think some people aren't meant to be parents, but they'd make great grandparents. I think my mom was like that. She wasn't perfect. She worked and then I would be left to cook and clean when I got home from school. She almost always had a boyfriend and was always leaving me home by myself. It was really lonely sometimes. I ate pasta and eggs for years because sometimes that was the only thing we could afford and other times it was the only thing I knew how to make. My grandmother taught me how to cook some things so that I didn't starve after I told her that. One day my mom decided that she had sacrificed so much in her life and that she wanted to be selfish for once. She said that, out loud. I remember hating her for it. But I understand it. I understand now why she wanted to just do things that made her happy. It meant we moved a lot, she went from job to job trying to find her fit. She had all these different hobbies. "

"She was eccentric, and more like a best friend than a mother. When we would have fights, she would fight dirty and always make me feel guilty so that I'd apologize first, even when I wasn't wrong. She was stubborn and flighty, and forgetful. She loved animals. She made the best banana bread in the world, but she made this thing she called macaroni and cheese with… I don't know… it was like cheese soup, but it came in a packet and it was just powder, like instant soup I guess, and it was disgusting. She'd add onions to it and ugh. I hated it but I never told her that. I always ate it and told her it was really good because I didn't want to hurt her feelings."

"She always told me that I had to do whatever made me happy in the world. She told me she'd always be proud of me, even if I was just singing in a subway station, living off of tips, as long as I was happy. She was always so happy whenever I did something or got an award or anything like that. She was so funny. God, she was funny. She loved to travel, but she never made it to Europe. She always wanted to go. I was supposed to do a year of study abroad in England when she first got sick; I'd always wanted to do that. I was going to study English and Irish literature, culture, and history at Oxford University and Trinity College in Dublin for a year. A semester in each. She was so mad when I turned down the offers and stayed stateside to be there for her. We had a huge fight. I don't think she ever forgave me for giving up on that dream…"

My voice trailed off and my eyes were drooping as Edward still stroked and played with my hair as I rested on him.

"I'm sure you'd still be able to study in Europe, Bella. I'm sure you could still make your mum proud of you and that she's looking down on you now, proud of everything you've done since she's been gone. I'll help you do whatever you want to do. We can go wherever you want to go, Bella. Just say the word. I'll always be here."

I let his words sink in before I started talking again. I wanted him to know more about her.

"She was my best friend. She was great. Even with all her faults, even though she wasn't always the best mother and even though I had more responsibilities than most kids did, I loved her something fierce. God, I miss her so much. She'd know what to do right now. She'd know what the right thing to do was. She was a great person, and a great mom."

A silence seemed to settle around us as the words I spoke seemed to seep into the bubble we tended to put ourselves in.

"Tell me about England, Edward."

He took a deep breath and seemed to think about it for a while, maybe shocked that I had asked him a question after all this time of him needing to ask me things.

"Well… I lived mostly in London, much to the absolute horror of my grandmum. She thought we should all be in the country, where there was peace as she said. She was-"

"Where did she live?" I quickly interrupted him, eager for details about anything, any place in England that I had never seen, and greatly feared I would never see.

"She lived in a small town in Hampshire called Chawton, near Alton. It was about-"

My head shot off Edward's shoulder and out of the nook as his words seeped into my brain.

"You mean where the Jane Austen House Museum is?"

Edward's eyes held the shock of my sudden movement and the random fact I had blurted out at him. I may have spoken a little loudly and he looked around to see who was staring at us as a result of my loud voice.

"Umm… yes. Actually, my grandmum would be very pleased to know that you know that. She'd love you." He chuckled before continuing, "probably more than me actually! I think she may even want to talk about books more than you do! You'd get on handsomely I think. But eh… how do you know that? About Chawton?"

I cautiously resumed my place in the nook and hoped that Edward would keep playing with my hair. He didn't disappoint. I moved my head so that I could see out the window before I answered.

"I had planned on visiting it when I was studying there. I did all this research and was hoping that maybe I could even have gotten a job at one of the Jane Austen museums there are over a break or something. I don't know. It's kind of silly."

"When I take you there, we'll go. It's about an hour and a half outside of London. Anyway, we also had a house in Bath, to kind of please my grandmother, where we'd take our holidays if we weren't visiting her. Um… well, then we moved to Ireland but we still visited England a lot. Mainly in Hampshire, but occasionally London and Bath. Then after secondary, Emmett and I went to England for university. Strangely enough, we actually went to uh…Oxford. I guess we would have met either way, eventually. But, I always loved Big Ben. And the little hole in the wall places that tourists know nothing about. Ireland was like that a lot. There would be these big touristy type things, parts of the country that visitors would be dying to see, but if you were a local, or didn't know a local, you wouldn't really get the whole experience. Kind of ironic."

"Where did you live in Ireland?"

"We spent a lot of time in Dublin. We also lived in County Cork, as well; we traveled all over the country. When I'm there I lose a lot of my British accent and have more of an Irish brogue. Especially with a few pints in me." Edward winked and laughed at me as he said this, and I tried to imagine him with a stronger Irish accent and less of the British one, but it was hard to do.

"Do it."

"Do what?"

"The Irish accent. Brogue. Thing. Talk like you're in Ireland."

"I don't know that I'll do a very good job unless you've got some Guinness in that bag you've got there."

I looked up at him with my head still on my shoulders and smiled at him.

"Please, Edward? Come on, try!"

He laughed with he before shaking his head and looking down at me.

"I don't think I'd ever really be able to tell you no, duck."

I smiled softly and turned my eyes to look out the window before I looked back at him.

"Ok. Let's hear it, wonderboy."

He cleared his throat very dramatically before he looked down at me again.

"Me mam use' ta always tell me that the one grand ting in loife was ta love a wan an' be loved in retarn by 'er. She sounde' jus' like this, me mam did. An' me as a feckin' eejit a times. Feck. Arse. Emm…Jaysus. I don' know what else ye want me ta say."

I was laughing towards the end, trying to ignore the subtle push in the beginning. I knew he was trying to have me keep in mind that he still wanted me, but again, now wasn't the time to deal with it. I chose to not be annoyed by it, and to take it at face value. I was the great white buffalo right now to Edward, the one that got away. It was a challenge and I wanted to make sure that if he wanted this, really wanted this, it wasn't just the thrill of the chase. I also still had a lot to get through.

"What the hell is a wan?" I asked still laughing, and trying to pull myself out of my own thoughts.

"It's basically a woman. Like an aul wan is an old woman. I wasn't lying when I said I wasn't very good at it."

"No, no you're great! I couldn't tell the difference between you and a real Irishman!"

"Hey! I am a real Irishman! Half, at least. But it counts! I lived a lot of my life there, almost 10 years. So it counts, duck. Me mam was an Irishwoman through and through. And don't you forget it."

With that he winked and turned to look out the window, just as an announcement came over the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. At this time we will begin our decent into Newark International Airport. It's a balmy day at 61 degrees, and we'll be landing at approximately 4:30 p.m. local time. I would like to thank all of you…"

Edward's head snapped to mine and I knew that the reality was dawning on me and quickly.

I wasn't in limbo anymore. I couldn't turn back now. We were here, and I didn't know what to do.

* * *

**AN: I'M SORRY FOR SUCH A LONG WAIT! but as it happens, real life got in the way. (bastard.) and as we speak, i have 3 papers qued up that i need to write this week. and a whole heck of a lot of other things. so far i've eatten like 5 alfajors. disgusting (if you know what an alfajor actually is, leave me some love so we can bond over my freakin personal brand of crack. [just a lil PSA: alfajors are not drugs, they're slices of heaven dipped in chocolate that stick to my ass like glue.]) i'm in a rambling mood today so i'll try and keep it short and get chapter 16 to you asap.**

**just a note: since real life is kind of kicking my ass, i can't promise a consistent updating schedule. not that i was really doing that before, but there was a while there when there was an update every week. i'm hoping you all haven't forgotten my lil story in the what? 2 weeks since i've posted? 3? i honestly can't remember the last time i update. ANYWAY!**

**many thank you's to my fab beta musegirl. she rocks my socks hard and seriously helped me with my irish-ness. did any of you know that scottish is not a word? that has seriously thrown me through a loop. i'm obsessing over it a tad bit. but anyway. THANK YOU TO HER! MWAH! **

**and finally:**

**LEAVE ME SOME LOVE AND CLICK THAT LIL REVIEW BUTTON!**

**mucho love and many, many alfajors,**

**Mo  
**


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: **

**...**

**Hello?**

**Do you remember me?**

**Have you all forgotten about my lil story? **

**Here's an updat anyway. More from me below!**

**And heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Bella!  
**

* * *

Last Chapter:

_ With that he winked and turned to look out the window, just as an announcement came over the intercom._

_"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. At this time we will begin our decent into Newark International Airport. It's a balmy day at 61 degrees, and we'll be landing at approximately 4:30 p.m. local time. I would like to thank all of you…"_

_Edward's head snapped to mine and I knew that the reality was dawning on me and quickly. I wasn't in limbo anymore. I couldn't turn back now. We were here, and I didn't know what to do._

Landing in New Jersey was a weird feeling. I looked out the window of the plane to see the dank, dismal view of Newark, NJ, the reason most people referred to this state as "The Armpit State". Many never saw past the warehouses, chain-link fences, and the grey blanket that covered Newark, and believed the entire State to be like this. They never saw the small towns I'd lived in. They never saw the blue, crystal lakes that I'd swam in. They never saw the beautiful beaches with endless boardwalks and sunrises that could break your heart. They never saw the rolling hills and fields of the country that was the heart of New Jersey. They only saw the darkness. This one depressing area is what people based their opinions on. And Newark wasn't all bad. There was a Portuguese section where you could get the best Brazilian barbeque in, I think, the country. There were small mom and pop stores and businesses where everyone knew you by name and knew all your preferences. It only appeared to be horrible. But appearances can be deceiving.

We landed and taxied to the gate and I still couldn't take my eyes off the window. I watched the people below me unloading bags and others guiding in airplanes. I watched the people watching me through the windows of the waiting area. If I stayed behind this piece of glass than I could pretend, but as soon as I got off this plane, I'd be slapped in the face with reality.

Thus, I shut down.

I don't remember getting off the plane.

I don't remember walking through the airport to baggage claim.

I don't remember Edward, or anyone for that matter, saying anything.

But maybe I just didn't hear them.

I don't know who pulled the bags off the conveyor belt, but I was suddenly towing one behind me as Edward took his duffle and wheeled another one of mine, or I assumed as much, I don't really remember.

I don't remember walking out into the bright, sunshine of New Jersey.

I don't remember walking to the rental car or even standing at the rental counter.

I don't remember getting in the car.

I don't remember driving to the hotel.

I don't remember checking in or getting in the elevator.

I don't remember lying on the bed and curling up into a tight ball.

But that's how I woke up some time later, with someone stroking my hair, as silent tears fell down my face.

I didn't want to cry so fucking much.

I didn't want to wallow.

I didn't want to feel all that I was feeling.

I didn't want to fucking _be_ in New Jersey and because of some sick, stupid sense of duty I was here.

I didn't want to see my _fucking_ grandmother and deal with all her smug, selfish bullshit.

I just didn't want to do any of this.

I remember getting up.

I remember ignoring whoever was next to me.

I remember opening my bag and pulling on gym clothes, right in front of the other person, not caring who it was, assuming it was Edward.

I remember grabbing a room key and walking out, slamming the door behind me.

I remember ending up in the gym and signing out a pair of gloves.

I remember standing in front of the bag.

I remember beating the shit out of it.

I stood there and kicked and punched and got all my frustration and anger out. I threw every single god damned emotion that I didn't want to be feeling into every punch I had. At one point the bag stopped swinging so much, but I didn't give a shit. I kept going. I didn't hear anything around me. I didn't pay attention to anything around me. All I cared about was kicking the shit out of this stupid fucking punching bag.

I saw my father's smug face.

I saw my grandmother's confident smirk, and her holier-than-thou-look she always wore on her face.

I saw my family belittle me.

I was fucking pissed as fucking hell. I didn't want to be a little emo bitch anymore. I didn't want to break down crying every fifteen fucking minutes and have mental breakdowns all the time. I didn't want to shut down, shut the world out, and break apart. I just wanted to be left alone, to be normal, for once in my fucking life I wanted something to be _easy. _My father was never something easy, my mother dying wasn't easy, putting myself through school wasn't easy, dealing with my "family" wasn't easy, being alone wasn't easy, even _Edward_ wasn't easy.

And I was fucking sick of it.

I wanted to feel the punching bag.

I wanted to feel every hit that I laid on it.

I growled under my breath as I ripped off the gloves and flung them to the ground and kept hitting the bag, aware of the pain that was coursing through my fingers. But it didn't matter. I welcomed the pain, and even though I knew that was an unhealthy reaction, I couldn't stop myself. In some twisted place in my mind I was feeling what I wanted everyone that was pissing me off to feel. And it made no sense. But I kept on hitting, not caring at all. I fought the shadow that followed me every goddamned place I went, and I didn't want to stop until I felt like I'd made it afraid of me. Blood was running down my arms, but I didn't give a shit.

At all.

I kept hitting until a pair of arms wrapped around me and pulled me off. I fought those arms too, kicking and clawing and fighting the unknown person who was dragging me away. The silence that I seemed to be drowning in finally burst and the words being spoken suddenly made sense to me.

"Easy, Bellarina! Come on, lass, take it easy! It's me, ok? Stop it, will you! You're going to hurt yourself even more!"

I tried to spin around to see the face of who was holding me, but couldn't do so until he put me back on the ground.

"Emmett? What are you doing here? When did you get here?"

His hands were on my shoulders and he pulled me into a tight hug. A small, sad smile graced his face and my first reaction to it was anger, anger that he pitied me. It passed quickly and I melted into his embrace, glad that I had my brother figure with me to hold me up so I wouldn't fall.

"Bells, we were at the airport. We all rode in the rental with you and we're all at the same hotel in adjoining rooms. We're here because, honestly, you need us right now, duck."

It really bothered me that I was that shut off from the world like that. I didn't want to do that again, it was a weak thing to do, and I was much stronger than that. I would prove that to everyone here.

"We? Us?"

Emmett sighed at my question like he was just as worried that I was so nonresponsive.

"Yes. Us. Jasper, Alice, Rose and me all flew out on a flight right before yours and Edward's. Esme and Carlisle are going to be here tomorrow. Alice was with you in your room when you seemed to have some epiphany or something and sprinted out o' there like your arse was on fire and the only water was 6 floors down. She called me and told me to go with ya. Jazz is on his way down now and Edward is getting you something to eat and putting your things away, so he'll pop up eventually."

I took a deep breath and let it out.

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yeah, I think so."

I pulled back from the hug, not really wanting to leave it all that much. Emmett held onto my shoulders still, probably to make sure I didn't attack the bag again.

"'Sup break-a-face?"

I spun around to see Jasper leaning against the doorway with his hands in his pockets, smiling slightly, but with concern evident on his face.

I waved a small wave to him and as soon as I did that his face fell.

"Hey, Jazz."

"'Hey, Jazz?' Jesus, Bella, what the fuck did you do to your hands? Beggin' your pardon."

I looked down at my hands, wondering just how badly I had messed up my hands, and in the back of my mind wondering how much worse I had made meeting my grandmother not that my appearance wouldn't be perfect.

"Holy shit!"

My knuckles were split and bleeding, all swollen. My left wrist was swollen, I had probably irritated an old break, and a finger on my right hand wouldn't close with the rest of them.

"Goddamn, Bellarina. You really reamed that thing. I couldn't let go of the bag fast enough and get you to stop. I'm so sorry, Bella. Come on, let's get you some ice and I'll wrap those for you."

Emmett cradled my hands in his, which were easily twice the size of mine, before he looked up to talk to Jasper.

"'Oy, Jazz, call Edward and tell him to have some ice ordered up to the room, I'll go see if they have ace bandages and some other stuff in the hotel shop, if not I'll go to a drug store somewhere, can you take Bella up to her room? I think Edward should be there in a little while."

Jasper wrapped an arm around my waist and I was feeling suddenly really spent so I let him support most of my weight. We started to walk out the room with Emmett trailing behind us.

"Hey, Em, if they don't have what you need, just come up to the room and we'll figure it out. I think I have a first aid kit in my bag, but I'm not really sure."

Emmett smiled knowingly and nodded his assurance and took off for the gift shop.

Jasper and I walked up to the elevator and got in, before he turned to look down at me.

"How ya doin', Bells, really?"

"I'm sick and tired of being sad and angry, Jazz. How about you?"

"Well, a good friend of mine just found out that the father she hasn't talked to in years has kicked the bucket and now she has to go to the funeral and deal with family she hasn't seen since who knows when, deal with this whole big past that she has and on top of it, she just went all Mike Tyson on a punching bag. But other than that, I'm just ducky, thanks for asking."

For some reason something in me just cracked and I started laughing. Hard. I was hysterically laughing like this was the funniest thing I would ever hear in my life. The elevator reached my floor and I was finally able to catch my breath enough to speak.

"Jazz…I'm going…insane…" I was trying to stop laughing and appear like I didn't need to be checked into a mental facility, but it wasn't looking so promising so far.

"Well, that's alright, darlin', we're all a bit insane. I married Alice, what's that say about me? I'm a crazy fool! But, hey, screw it! You only live once!"

I couldn't stop laughing, Jazz was purposely trying to egg me on as he led me down to the room and try to get me to keep laughing. My sides and face hurt from smiling so much and I felt like I couldn't breathe, but I felt _good. _I felt like I was _me_ again, finally. I started to dance down the hall towards the room, and then Jasper started dancing with me. He spun me around and ignored when I stepped on his feet and tripped over my own. I was laughing and smiling and _squealing like a girl. _I don't think I'd ever done that before. I was making that "eeeee!" noise. Jasper started singing and I joined in. We were dancing and singing and I felt whole.

"Well, I see you're doing better. I've not heard that sound in a long while. Are you feeling better?"

I turned to see Edward leaning in the doorway and smiled. I nodded my head and then Jasper spun me out of the waltz stance we were in towards Edward. I tripped when Jasper let go of my head and made to face plant, but Edward rushed forward to catch me in time. He placed me right side up but kept his hands on my hips.

"Dance with me, Edward. I'm having a blast and I don't want to stop right now. So dance with me. Please?"

For some reason I didn't even think before I asked him that, and as soon as I asked, I feared that he'd reject me.

He smiled down at me and look at Jasper over my shoulder, who I turned to see shrug his shoulders and wink, before walking away.

"We haven't any music, love."

"Well, I didn't have any music before, but Jasper was singing at the end. But if you don't want to then it's-"

I had started to pull out of his arms before he interrupted me and pulled me back towards him.

"Well, are you all sung out? Or do you still have a few songs left in you?"

I smiled as I rested my hands on his shoulders happily.

"I've still got a few."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, Edward dropped me into a deep dip, where my head was only a few inches off the ground, and I screamed and clung to his shoulders as he laughed at me.

"Edward!"

I tried to sound stern but I couldn't help but laugh with him.

"What? We're dancing! And I happen to be an excellent dancer. So! Let's go, sing us a tune!"

Edward mockingly got into a very rigid waltz pose and I started to sing any song that came to mind and he moved us up and down the hall, twirling, spinning, dipping, and hoisting me into the air the whole time. I jumped around, not finishing one song and launching into another. We did this for about 5 minutes before the fatigue I was feeling from before and the pain in my hands began to outweigh the endorphins my body had rushing through it.

I ended up with my head resting on Edward's chest as he held one of my hands in his over his heart and his other arm was wrapped around my waist. My other arm was up behind his back holding onto his shoulder. He was humming a beautiful melody that was putting me to sleep. I think it was one of the happiest and most peaceful moments of my life, dancing with him to this mystery melody in a hotel hallway in the midst of my emotional chaos.

"Edward!"

A shout from down the hall, near the elevators broke us apart. I reluctantly pulled my head away from Edward to see Emmett walking towards us with a strangely smug look on his face. I pulled out of Edward's embrace, immediately missing it, and feeling more like my own leg was gone, rather than I had just stepped out of his arms.

"What do you want, Emmett?"

I turned at the annoyance in Edward's voice to see him almost glaring at his brother, but when his gaze turned to me, it softened into something else.

"Ed, I called you almost ten minutes ago to meet me in the car. We were going to go to the Pharmacy. I need to get some things for Bella's hands and you said you had some things you needed to get."

Edward's eyebrows moved together at the mention of my needing medical supplies and he grabbed both of my hands in his and turned them over and over.

"Bella? What happened? How didn't I notice this? Are you alright?"

"Well, you were a little busy there getting your cuddle on, mate."

Edward full on glared at Emmett this time before looking at me with concerned eyes.

"I'm fine, Edward. I just… I was…uhh…"

"She kicked the bloody piss out of a punching bag down in the gym. Threw off her gloves at one point and I couldn't grab her before she made a mess of herself."

Edward sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and his forefinger.

"Alright, we'll go to the pharmacy and get you some things. Do you need anything? I have to get shampoo and soaps and such, do you have everything you need?"

"Wait, you're buying shampoo while we're here? The hotel has it."

"Yeah, but I need new shampoo and everything anyway and hotel shampoo freaks me out. And there's never enough. Sometimes they don't give you new ones and you'll most likely use it all-"

"We're sharing a room?"

"Uhh… well yeah. We are. Everyone else is with their significant other. Is that a problem? I mean if it is, we can switch with someone so you're more comfortable, I just thought that maybe you'd want to be away from us all sometimes and I can leave the room whenever you want and if you want the girls they'll just be beyond the adjoining door or I could run and fetch them for you if they're not, but it's whatever you're most comfortable with, Bella. I don't want you to stress about anything else while we're here-"

"It's fine, Edward. I'll grab you some money and you can just grab me anything. I can't really…think at all right now. I just can't… I don't know. Reality's set in again. But when you get back, can you just… maybe sit with me for a while before you go to bed, please? You somehow make the crazy in my head shut up."

"Sure, no problem, duck. We'll be back soon. There's food for you in the room."

He dipped a quick kiss to the top of my head, and before I even had time to react, he and Emmett were walking back down towards the elevators.

I headed back to my room and found a cheeseburger and fries, just how I liked it. My garment bag was hung up in the closet, my carry on was unpacked and put away, and most of my clothes, save for the bag of my…ahem…unmentionables, were all put away in the chest of drawers.

I grabbed my phone and looked through all of the missed calls and messages, calling some of my professors and my advisor and letting them know what was going on, before giving Angela a call and promising super double overtime and pledging my soul for the next 5 years of black Fridays, even if I didn't live in Chicago anymore.

I ate as I made the calls, and as I hung up from the last few calls, I sat on the bed picking at the fries. My phone rang as I ate and I answered it quickly, thinking it was one of my teachers calling back with a question or an assignment.

"Bella Swan."

"Isabella, this is your grandmother."

I sat up straighter in shock.

"Grandma. How did you get this number?"

"That's how you greet your grandmother on the telephone? One of your only living relatives? 'How did you get this number?' That's what you're going to say? And is that really how you answer the telephone? 'Bella Swan?' Are you a lawyer or something? We both know you're nowhere near lawyer, dear, so just stop that act right there."

"I'm sorry Grandma, I was just shocked that you somehow managed not only to get my unlisted home phone number, but also my unlisted private cell phone number."

"Bella, darling, you should know by now that being an important person means the rules don't apply to you. That is why you must mingle and be with important people. Now, if you had been with Ja-"

"Grandma, right now is not the time to discuss that. In fact, there is nothing to discuss about it. I don't want him anywhere near me, is that understood? Not within 100 yards? Ok? I have a restraining order that is still in affect, do not forget that."

"Isabella Marie, first of all do _not_ interrupt me. Second of all that is no way to speak with your grandmother. "

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly not wanting to deal with her any longer than was absolutely necessary.

"Grandma, I don't want to…waste any more of your time. Why was is that you called."

"Right, the family is getting together for dinner tomorrow. You're to be there. And don't wear anything frumpy or untoward. In fact, I'll send something over to your hotel."

"That won't be necessary Grandmother, I can dress myself. And I won't be able to attend the dinner, I'm not here alone."

"Since when is your father's funeral a social event? You're bringing some…lowlife boyfriend as your _date? _Oh, your mother definitely raised you after all. You have nothing from my family in you."

"I didn't bring a _date_ to my _father's_ funeral, Grandmother. A family who are friends of mine have flown out here to support me and help me. They're all here for me."

"And how many are there?"

How many are there? Was she asking me how many cows were in the field or how many different scenarios I had of murdering her?

I pulled the phone away from my ear and stared at it incredulously, putting it back at the sound of my grandmother's voice.

"Isabella? Isabella! Are you that dumb that you need to think and count? How. Many. Are. There?"

"It is a family of 7. 3 couples."

"And the single one?"

"Is single."

I knew where my grandmother was going and I was not falling into that trap.

"And that gives you the right to whore yourself out then? Fine, Isabella. You and this family will be at the house tomorrow at 4:30 p.m. No sooner and no later. You will be dressed appropriately. We're having guests."

"I thought you said the family was having dinner?"

She sighed exaggeratedly like I was just wasting more and more of her time.

"We are, Isabella, dear, do try and keep up. Just show up, dressed appropriately, on time."

With that, she hung up. I snapped my phone shut and flung it across the room onto the couch. Edward walked into the room right at that moment and narrowly missed being nailed in the head by the flying Blackberry.

"Woah! What the bloody hell did I do?"

"Nothing. I was just on the phone."

"With whom, might I ask were you on the phone with that you launched it across the room in a suicide mission?"

"Grandma Aro."

"Aro? Your grandmother's name is Aro?"

"Yeah, like 'She's an Aro right in my ass.'"

"Seriously? That's really her name?"

"No. Though her Native American name is Pisses on Small Children While Throwing Fire at Innocents. Aro is short for Arothena. It's some weird name her insane, alcoholic mother gave her. I'm lucky my mother was in an Italian phase when I was born or I would have been named something like… Graheida or something insane like that."

"Graheida?"

"It's a mix of Grace and Heidi and Ida. All of my grandmother's dead female relatives whom she thought I should be named after. My mother waited until the very last minute to scream out Isabella, and then slipped a nurse twenty bucks to make sure my grandmother didn't change the name no matter what."

"Jesus Christ."

"I know."

"Well, what did she want?"

Edward sat down on the bed and placed a large plastic bag in between us and began to pull out medical supplies to fix my hands.

"Get ready, you're all going to be meeting Arothena Swan tomorrow evening. She'll rip you all apart before you've even walked through the door and by the time dinner's over she'll have you begging for mercy."

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**AN: hellooo!**

**i have to keep this short because everything is a clusterfuck right now but:**

**I AM SO SORRY FOR THE DELAYS! **

**i have been so terrible about posting and it's not ok and I completely apologize. **

**Also, many thanks to my beta extraordinaire: musegirl, who has started a FANTASTIC story that i get the privaledge to beta called Quarterback Rush. Here is the link:**

http:/ .net /s/6467809/1/ bQuarterback_b_bRush_b

**Take out the spaces and copy and paste for a great story about Football Edward and Sorority Sister Bella, who is not your average member and is constantly surprising, and how they fall for each other in the great state of Texas. =D**

**seriously, go read it. It's also in my favorite's story section on my profile. umm... que mas que mas que mas...**

**ok. so, chickadees, I know this is the last thing you want to hear from me but:**

**i will be going (tomorrow) on a missions trip for a month. **

**before you start lighting your torches and grabbing the pitch forks! I WILL have internet and i will do my best to post once a week! OK? i have some chapters saved up and if I miss a week I'm terribly, terribly sorry and I feel horrible about how I've been about posting. **

**but here's a fab chap and i'll be finishing chap 17 asap, and we already have chap 18 done. (i know. its weird.) **

**so leave me some love and go check out musegirl's fantastic writing. **

**xoxo**

**Mo  
**


	17. Chapter 17

**...hi?**

**so, first and foremost I AM SO SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT! I'm back and I'm working right now really hard, I've had some recent inspiration (nothin' scarier than a woman scorned. and heaven help us if she's got a pen and a laptop. she'll write out her feelings in her fanfiction. ;) haha) this chapter is short, but I really felt like the stopping place I had, though evil, was really necessary for this story. I'm going to post a big part of chapter 16 for those of you who need a lil rememberin' and then I'll meet you down. below. **

**ENJOY!  
**

* * *

_"Woah! What the bloody hell did I do?"_

_"Nothing. I was just on the phone."_

_"With whom, might I ask were you on the phone with that you launched it across the room in a suicide mission?"_

_"Grandma Aro."_

_"Aro? Your grandmother's name is Aro?"_

_"Yeah, like 'She's an Aro right in my ass.'"_

_"Seriously? That's really her name?"_

_"No. Though her Native American name is Pisses on Small Children While Throwing Fire at Innocents. Aro is short for Arothena. It's some weird name her insane, alcoholic mother gave her. I'm lucky my mother was in an Italian phase when I was born or I would have been named something like… Graheida or something insane like that."_

_"Graheida?"_

_"It's a mix of Grace and Heidi and Ida. All of my grandmother's dead female relatives whom she thought I should be named after. My mother waited until the very last minute to scream out Isabella, and then slipped a nurse twenty bucks to make sure my grandmother didn't change the name no matter what."_

_"Jesus Christ."_

_"I know."_

_"Well, what did she want?"_

_Edward sat down on the bed and placed a large plastic bag in between us and began to pull out medical supplies to fix my hands._

_"Get ready, you're all going to be meeting Arothena Swan tomorrow evening. She'll rip you all apart before you've even walked through the door and by the time dinner's over she'll have you begging for mercy."_

Edward had laughed me off, thinking that I was over exaggerating. He said that he just couldn't believe that anyone's grandmother could really be _that_ bad.

But she was.

Arothena Ailbhe Swan took no prisoners. She had no mercy, and found her greatest joy in belittling as many people as she possibly could. When I was born, she took one look at me, the fact that I didn't have a penis, looked at my mother and said that she was disappointed in her. That was it. The Swan name would not be carried on, so why should Arothena Swan waste her time on something that was nothing? Even if it is was her own flesh and blood. Even if that something was supposed to be an exciting addition to the family.

No.

Not for Aro Swan.

She refused to go grocery shopping on the sole principle that it was what _unimportant _people did. She hired people for that. She never left the house in jeans. In fact, I don't think she even _owned _a pair of jeans. Jeans were for people without status, and working people. Arothena Swan did not work. Charity work was fine as long as people knew you were doing it, and as long as that charity work meant hiring other people to organize charity benefits and writing a check. Children were to be seen when they were meant to be seen and never, ever were they to be heard. The list went on and on. And on.

In short, she was going to hell, with a one-way ticket.

Edward snorted when I told him this.

"Bella, you can't be serious. I'm certain she's not as bad as you say."

He had wrapped my hands and was now icing them, trying, probably in vain, to keep them from puffing up and swelling. My hands sat in his lap, and I was back to ardently ignoring the electrical current that ran between us.

"Edward? She really, honestly is. And I'm scared that… I don't know. She's a real bitch. Ok? Don't think of her as something separate from my father. I'm sure you wouldn't be saying that you're certain he wasn't as bad as I say. Or… would you?"

"No! God! No, Bella! Of course not! But don't worry, duck. We can all take care of ourselves and we'll be on our best behavior. We don't even have to go with you if it will make it easier for y-"

"No! You have to come! You can't let me go alone, Edward! I can't… I don't know that I can do that."

"Alright, we'll go, at the very least I'll go with you."

"You all might as well just come. If it were just you and me, my grandmother will say how uncouth it is to bring a date to a funeral for the entire dinner."

"Ok, we'll all go with you to the family dinner of death. Satisfied?"

"Oh, immensely so. Now I just have to figure out what I'll wear, since it can't be anything untoward or frumpy. And there's no way in hell in a hatbox that I'm wearing _anything_ Arothena sends over."

Just then Alice and Rose all but fell through the door adjoining our rooms.

"We can-"

Their bursting into the room caused me to have some sort of kneejerk reaction that made my one arm slam into Edward's nose causing his head to snap back, also dropping the ice roughly onto his… man regions, causing him to groan and hunch forward. My other arm hauled back the second bag of ice and launched it at the intruders, clipping Rose on the shoulder and knocking Alice right on top of the head.

Alice was holding her head and jumping up and down, while Edward was clutching his nose with one hand and protecting his junk from any other confrontation that might happen. Rose just rubbed her shoulder and tried to dance out the ice cubes that had fallen down her top.

And I, once again, busted out in hysterical laughter.

"Oh, my… gosh! I'm… soooooo…."

The look on Edward's face, a mixture of pain, annoyance, and at the same time, amusement, made me laugh even harder before I could finish.

"Sorry!"

I rolled on the bed laughing before I felt a foot in my back and I was launched off the bed and onto the floor, where I landed face first with a loud "Ompf!"

"Bloody hell! Bella? Are you alright?"

I groaned and rolled over to see Edward's head popped over the side of the bed, looking at me worriedly.

"I didn't mean to push you that hard! I just… and you were… and I mean. My god, I'm so sorry, duck!"

"Edward. It's fine."

I sat up from the floor and sat cross-legged, taking a deep breath to compose myself, before I caught sight of Alice trying to stifle her giggle. And then it all started again. We were both rolling on the floor laughing as Rose and Edward looked on.

"Ok you freakin' giggle twins. Can you shut the fuck up? We've got shit to do and bitches to cool."

"Bitches to cool?"

Rose shrugged her shoulders.

"The way you were talking about her it sounds like she's the spawn of Satan. So, we'll cool the bitch. Like throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West?"

"Please don't tell me you're planning on throwing a bucket of water on my grandmother."

"No. We're just going to fuck with her so she won't fuck with you anymore."

An evil grin spread across Rose's face and I knew she meant serious shit. Alice laughed and turned to me.

"I have the perfect pair of shoes."

I stood on my grandmother's doorstep; in a modified version of the clothes she sent me plus bright yellow heels. A plain black pencil skirt, a cream top, which originally had been dated and filled with ruffles that Alice had taken a pair of scissors to, was now tastefully detailed, and sleeveless. With a v-neck. A pretty significant v-neck. The girls were pushed up and together, but tastefully done, so that my cleavage was only hinted at. I had a gorgeous necklace and cocktail ring on.

I was so not ready for this shit.

The door was opened before we could even ring the bell; another rule: the help always anticipated everyone's every move. Or they were tastefully let go.

"Name, please."

The butler had a stoic look on his face, and I had the greatest urge to just hug him. I'm sure that Aro had drained the life out of him. I smiled at him sympathetically and told him my name. He didn't react when he heard it, just nodded his head. That was kind of a disappointment. I would have liked him to widen his eyes or gasp. Or even just slam the door in my face. That would have been fun. Then I could just go back to the hotel and eat room service and watch pay-per-view.

The butler interrupted my thoughts as he gestured to take my coat. I walked into the foyer, followed by Edward and my entourage. Now, the butler sniffed slightly at how many people had showed up with me, obviously messing up my "plus one" on the guest list that was no doubt floating around in his mind.

"Are all these young people with you, Miss?"

"Yes. They are. Didn't my grandmother tell you? I told her on the phone last night when she called and invited me. I'm sorry if she didn't let you know. There's not going to be a problem, will there?"

The butler just shook his head. I felt like a bitch just calling him that. The butler. I wanted to call him Steve or Chip or something. Anything but "the butler." I could feel myself slowly slipping into the hard armor. I felt my shoulders, now free of my coat, go back, my head lift and I took a deep breath.

Chives began to lead us into the sitting room. Edward put his hand on my lower back reassuringly and gave me a small wink. I smiled back at him and braced myself for what was to come.

"Isabella, so lovely of you to join us."

* * *

**AN: so...how do you like it? what do you think? next chapter is the big confrontation with Gramma Aro. but let me know how you feel about this, it's not much but i feel like we're getting somewhere. i don't know how much more we have left, but we've got a big surprise up ahead. and oh, i'm just oh so excited for all that's to come. ;)**

**so review review review review please and thank you. **

**once again: a huge super incredible fantastic thank you to my beta and friend musegirl who's story Quarterback Rush is amazing and you need to go and check it out (it's on my list of favorite stories.) but she's also PREGGERS! so go on over, check out her story, drop her a review, and give her your congratulations. She's not only beta-ing my story, but she's being a fantastic friend and letting me rant about my sad, sad, pathetic life. :P haha! **

**read and review chickadees!**

**so leave me some looooooooooooooovvvveee and maybe... i'll write a lil love for you ;)**

**~*~Mo~*~  
**


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